Watch with Doozer: The Film Edition, part one.

I have been to see four films with Doozer at the cinema so far, at parent and baby screenings where the audience are free to scream, cry, go to the toilet in their pants, feed on things not from the cinema snack bar (like breastmilk) and fall asleep anytime they want to.

And the babies are allowed to do stuff too.

Im kidding. I was talking about the babies.

The parents are expected to mainly behave with normal adult cinema decorum, boo hiss.

Anyway, I have previously seen:

The Artist

A beautiful and brilliant film, silent and in black and white, containing many subtleties that it is easy to miss while sniffing the nether regions of a baby in an attempt to work out whether they have committed a poo or not.

There was a man, and a dog. And a lady. And another man. Or lady. There were several men, several ladies, and a dog. Some things happened, and there was a bit in the middle I particularly liked. There were also some sad bits, which I missed as I was being vomited on. But when I looked up, my friend was crying, and assured me that something sad had, indeed, just happened. She just couldnt remember what it was. I liked this film very much.

The Muppets

Apparently, a 10.45am screening of this film is what passes for a date night for new parents of around my age. There were a half dozen mothers with babies, a handful of fathers with babies, and a record number of both mother AND father with their babies. It was most touching.

I dont remember much about the film.

It had muppets in it, and I liked it.

Doozer, meanwhile watched the last five minutes intently.

(He mainly fed and slept through the rest)

The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel

Like relaxing in a bath filled with lukewarm ovaltine, while watching sunday night bbc television comedy drama. Not very good, but ever so relaxing.

We both slept extremely well (during the film).

Today, we saw a film about someone who bought a zoo. Usefully, for cinema-goers who cant remember anything about the thing theyve just seen just after theyve seen it or, in fact, about the thing that theyre watching while theyre watching it the film about some people who bought a zoo was called

We Bought a Zoo

It was about a man, who wait for it bought a zoo. He bought the zoo after the death of his wife, which had made him very sad. The dead wife, not the zoo. The dying of his wife had also made his children (who were both cute as buttons) very sad, like little sad buttons.

The zoo contained a lot of peacocks, a couple of monkeys, some snakes, a lion, and one sick tiger who was dying of either Poorly Tiger Syndrome, Tiger Cancer or Tiger Tiger Death Disease (it was never confirmed as any of them, though had symptoms of all), and Scarlett Johansson, who was trying very hard to look dowdy like a zookeeper and not stunning like a starlet, and mainly failing.

Eventually, the man learnt to let go of both his grief and the tiger, the son learned to love his father again, and everyone got off with Scarlett Johansson. No, thats not true. The man got off with Scarlett Johansson. No one else did, not even the tiger (because he was dead).

And the zoo became a very good zoo, and everyone went to it. And the film ended, after being unspeakably long, and concluded with a completely unworkable parking situation.

Basically, a lot of people arrived to visit the zoo on its opening day (which was good), but then a tree had fallen across the single-track tree-lined road leading to the zoo (which was bad). However, everyone was so keen to go to the newly opened zoo (trust me, these dont count as spoilers, its really quite obvious that nothing bad is going to happen in this film from the second it starts), that they got out of their cars, leaving them end to end in a single lane road, and clambered over the fallen tree to get into the zoo.

Seriously: how is anyone going to get out of that situation happily? Unless the people at the very back of the solid queue of cars are by coincidence the very first ones to want to leave to the zoo, and the people next-to-last the ones who happen to leave second, and so forth? Logistically, there is literally no way that this could end happily.

Honestly, I may be picking on it because it arrived at a point when the film had been going on for approximately 967 hours and I was concentrating very hard due to needing the toilet, but it has been annoying me for the rest of the day.

I mean, even if they happened to manage to move the tree, how would they get the driver of the first car in the queue back in order to move it forward into some kind of turning circle, let alone oh alright Ill leave it now.

It turns out that buying a zoo is a mainly positive thing to do, though quite longwinded and logistically unsound.

Next week: Some film about some people who do stuff until something bad happens and they have to find a way to continue doing the thing they were doing in the new circumstances that have arisen.

Ill let you know what its like.