My Advent Calendar of posts about pregnancy is a few days behind. I am catching up.
One of the things that no one mentions much about pregnancy before you happen to tumble under its wheels is the gas. I know I said I wouldnt mention the gas, some time ago, but damnit, I cant not.
Babies are made of gas. That is what I have concluded.
Unborn babies, I mean.
Borned babies (technical term – thanks, internet) are made of real stuff, like bodies and cuteness and matter and biology and other sciences. And poo.
But unborn babies are made of gas. Its hard to believe, because theyre quite heavy, and move around in your stomach quite a lot, and you can look at them with magical cameras and listen to their heartbeats with magical microphones, but the point is: They Are MADE of GAS.
Because if they are NOT made of gas, there is no earthly explanation for the amount of gas that goes along with being pregnant.
They are not very attractive facts, but please deal with that, or go away and wait for the next post. I promise it will be along soon.
- I think I burp more often than I speak at the moment.
- I used to hide it, fearing it might make me seem less ladylike, but I gave up on that about four months ago. Honestly, you cant get more womanly than having a baby, right? So taking that as a given, I decided I might as well burp as much as I wanted.
Or rather as much as I was going to anyway.
- Once, several months ago, after thoughtlessly eating a tin of beans when Id just got to Canada and hadnt remembered to get any gas tablets yet, I had to sleep lying on the floor with my legs straight up against the wall at a right angle, because it was the only possible way to stay vaguely comfortable.
- My Beloved thinks that the fact that I might be farting an extraordinary amount means that he has free rein to fart as much as he wants. THIS IS NOT THE CASE.
- Apart from beans, the type of food eaten or drink consumed seems to have nothing to do with the volume of gas released from the pregnant body. Or if it does, the amount of gas is so far above the amount of matter consumed that it is almost impossible to work out the correlation between the two.
- I can burp half the alphabet now.
- I could probably fart the other half, but frankly Id never thought of it until this moment. Ill let you know.
- I used to be a lot more English and reserved about talking about these sorts of things.
- There are only some kinds of gas/wind/indigestion tablets you can take during pregnancy. You have to look on the side of the box to check if theyre the right kind. I think someone out there should probably just market a brand with a box that just has writing all over it, shouting HEY MS BLOATYFARTBURP! YES! YOU! THE SUPERGASSY PREGNANT OVER THERE! THIS IS WHAT YOURE LOOKING FOR! YAY! because frankly pregnants must make up 90% of their market anyway.
- I burped four times while writing this list. And it really didnt take that long to write this list.
Because babies are made of gas.
But how can something so tiny, and so innocent looking, possibly be the cause of so much gas? How can a baby, swimming around in a bag of amniotic fluid, possibly help create such a volume of expellable air? How? There is only one explanation. Because, and I will find scientific proof for this if it kills me: BABIES ARE MADE OF GAS.
I know that when theyre born, theyre solid. Painfully solid. I can only assume that they change from their gaseous to their solid state at some time during the passage out of the womb, which, frankly, seems to be shoddy timing on someones behalf. They could have the decency to remain gas until they had escaped from the womb, and THEN become solid, although I realise that them solidifying out of thin air might be slightly freakier than what actually happens anyway.
Oh who am I kidding? Nothing could be freakier than what actually happens anyway.
But regardless, it is a very sound theory (and one day, will be a very firm scientific proof) that babies are made of gas. It is the only possible explanation.