Potato-monkey and the wilful kicking schedule.

Quick quick come here!

Ok ok. Ill just finish this thi…


…Ok. Now. Put your hand here. Where my hand is. Now. Any second. Just wait. Wait a minute more. And. Oh HONESTLY. There was kicking! There was LOADS of kicking. I felt it myself! From the outside even. GAH. The little potato-monkey.

Ok. Well, Ill only be over here, finishing this

Now theres more kicking! Honestly, this is ridiculous. No, dont come back, itll only stop again.

The baby, I am pleased to say, it doing quite a lot of kicking right now, or moving around, in general. Occasionally, the baby appears to be having a caffeine-fuelled bongo dance party in my middle-section. It is, I know from experience, difficult to imagine how this feels – and, unhelpfully, its difficult to describe too, especially given the whole every pregnant woman is different thing.

But for ME, it started off feeling like that tingling brush you feel if someone runs their finger lightly across your palm – but across the inside of my stomach instead. And then there were nondescript feelings like little balloons being popped somewhere deep in my middle. And then, in the last couple of weeks, its been more like someone flicking you with their finger and thumb. Flick. Flick. Flick. But, again, on the inside, with the occasional whooooooosh as whoever-it-is-in-there turns head over heels. And now, the thudding in the side. These must be kicks. Unless, as I suspect, the little potato has somehow smuggled a set of bongos in there. I would not be entirely surprised.

All of this, and I cannot, for the life of me, make anything happen whenever My Beloved tries to feel any of it. If the little potato-monkey in there is kicking, all kicking ceases as soon as the hand on my belly changes from mine to My Beloveds. If there is flipping, the little flipper has bored of it all by the time My Beloved makes it from the other side of the room to feel.

And in theory, this shouldnt be a deadline situation. There will be more kicking, more flipping, more punching in the innards, I know. But (because we are us and we like things to be complicated and interesting), it kind of IS a deadline thing, as on Sunday Im flying off to Canada for a couple of months to work (coming back just before I become an official no-fly zone in November. And while My Beloved will be coming and going throughout that time, and will undoubtedly be able to rely more on the movements at some point during that, I am determined he will feel SOME kind of kicking before I go.

So here: asking for a little actual advice, for once – does anyone have any tips for making a recalcitrant 23-week old foetus kick on demand?

Oh god, Im screwed, arent I?