A life in the glow of floor-cleaning majesty

In an antique shop in the middle of Santa Rosa, north of San Francisco, I had to be physically restrained from buying this users manual for a vacuum cleaner from the mid-fifties.

It wasnt as if the vacuum cleaner even came with it. I just liked it because of the sheer amount of joy the family pictured on the user manual cover were just so insanely overjoyed by their new hoover.

How exciting can a floor cleaner possibly be?

Well, THIS exciting, apparently.


From the left, I think the little girl is the most proportionally happy of all of them. Shes pleased at the sight of this new piece of cleaning apparatus, but looks at it with a sort of condescending acceptance. Yes, its a hoover, its nice to have it, but it doesnt, it seems, represent her entire future, her desires or expectations. No, its just a hoover.
Then again, she does look like shes going in to stroke it, so perhaps shes just a literal moron who believes it to be the new family pet. Who can tell?

Her father, to her right, swells with pride. In possibly more than one way judging by the cut of those slacks. Have you recently acquired a new vacuum cleaner, or are you just pleased to see me is a well-known phrase for good reason, you know.
Hes not looking at that hoover with excitement, more with the knowledge that he, and he alone, paid for that hoover by the sweat of his brow. If his brow did sweat, which, lets face it, it doesnt. It might sometimes warm enough to make his hair laquer a little runny, but thats as close as it gets. No, to this man, that new-fangled electronic marvel before him is not a mere vacuum cleaner. Its a mighty extension of his very own ego, his own manliness – Id go so far as to say his penis.
Yes: Penis.
Its a expanding-hosed multi-nozzled penis extension powered by mains electricity.
No wonder hes twanging those braces. You would too.

The little boy isnt excited about the vacuum cleaner at all. Hes actually staring into the middle distance. I think hes just had his attention caught by something shiny. My littlest cat does that face. The runt-of-the-litter mentally-special one.

The mother of the family, towering above her idiot son, is happier than any woman has ever been. About anything. Ever. Shes literally NEVER been this happy. Not on her wedding day, nor her wedding night. Cheeks flushed, eyes bulging, mouth agape, this is the face of true ecstasy.

Alternatively, that could just be the face that shes forced to pull by the insane tightness of her belt. It does seem a little like she might be squealing …help h..elp in a breathy whisper, as the last breath is squeezed out of her… …the dog. is pissing. on. my. f…o…o…o…o…t

The dog, meanwhile, is clearly showing his excitement about the new vacuum cleaner by urinating on it liberally. Well, that and his mistresses foot. Luckily, she is either too filled with elation or close to death to care.

Man, I wish I got that excited about a new vacuum cleaner. Life would be amazing.