Goodness me, but Ive been rubbish. At writing. Here.
I have been successful at writing elsewhere, I mean, otherwise I would be knocking on the doors of debtors prison, by now. Or its doors would be knocking on me. Or however that works.
But I have been around. I was in Vancouver, as previously noted, where I did a bunch of amazing work that Im not allowed to talk about very much.
And then I came back to the UK, via San Francisco, where I picked up an enormous suitcase full of the stuff that is still spread around various peoples houses, went to a one-year-olds birthday party, and then freaked a bunch more people out at a housewarming (Wait, didnt we say goodbye to you a few weeks ago? Arent you somewhere else now? What? How drunk am I, exactly? Etc).
And then came back again to Brighton. And then I went up to London where I held some meetings about some other work that I am allowed to talk about even less (it is most odd, I feel like, professionally, I have gone from having my name thrown about willy-nilly to being a completely hidden person with very fast little typing fingers. I like it much more, if Im honest)
The upshot of this is: I have been on planes a lot in the last couple of weeks (and managed to miss the travel/weather craziness every time, for which I am very grateful for myself, and very sorry on behalf of others not so lucky).
Multiple are my observations about my life on planes in this time.
Several are the ones below that I can remember in the form of a short list.
1) While many of the films that exist in the world are terrible, the ones that they show on planes are still, and irretrievably, worse than the lot of them. There are now, I discover, if you dig down a little bit, quite a few good documentaries to be found on some entertainment systems. I found a very good one about a family attempting to live without a single bit of environmental impact for a year. Though I cant deny that my enjoyment was a little tainted by the fact that I happened to be watching it on a long-haul flight. Which probably undid most of their years hard work. Um. Sorry.
2) The friendliest crew by a mile award goes to the stewardesses of the United flight I took from Vancouver to Los Angeles. So maniacally over-friendly were they that it took them about an hour to work their way from the front to the back of the plane. And it really wasn’t a very big plane. It was titchy. It seated about 60, and only about 40 people were onboard. Regardless, they managed to spin it out commendably – mainly, I think, because one of them was looking for a husband and somewhat convinced she was going to find one on this particular flight. It took an hour an ten minutes to get from one end of the plane to the other. It was an hour and forty minute flight.
3 The prize for mathematical numbskull crew of the year, however, needs to go to the same crew. Which might also go some way to explaining the length of time they took. Wine was $7. Beer was $7. Spirits were $7. For whatever reason, people seemed to be drinking an inordinate amount. This was very confusing for the crew. All the way down the aisle, I could hear: So, you had two beers. So thats seven. And seven. So thats Thats bear with me. Ohhhhhhhh-kayyy. So! You had a red wine. Thats 7. And you gave me ten. So I owe you Bear with me Just one second more hun Never was so good at the math and several dozen people in ears reach clutching at the seat and trying not to shout ITS THREE! YOU CLASSIFIABLE MORON! TEN MINUS SEVEN IS THREE! ARENT YOU SUPPOSED TO BE ON THE BALL ENOUGH TO SAVE MY LIFE IF NEEDS BE?! GAH!
4) Somehow, no idea how, every flight I boarded appeared to be the adultery express. The couple behind me on the flight from London to San Francisco talked in warm terms about how wonderful life would be once his divorce was in motion. “Do you mind swapping? I need to sit with my colleague?” said another pair on the Vancouver to LA flight before drinking copiously, making loud kissing noises, and talking about their (separate) matrimonial christmas plans. Do people really cheat this much? It makes me sad.
5) I still love being on planes. I still love being above the clouds. I still think nothing beats the feeling of taking off and watching the world slip away behind you. But going through security that many times in so brief a period? Yeah, thats considerably less enchanting, I will admit.
AND THAT IS ALL I LEARNT.
Oh, apart from some things about the sky mall catalogue which I will come back to later.
Which reminds me. I will stop being so rubbish and write more, now. That is all.