Funny old week. So, where were we up to? Ah yes. We came back from the Big Brilliant Train Trip (which was indeed brilliant).
My Beloved was going back to the UK for a wedding – I was meant to be going to a different wedding, elsewhere, realised I couldnt at the very last minute, and was already miserable at having to cancel and be at neither.
Wed arrived back on the train that morning, and after some lightning laundry and repacking, he went. On his way, he bought our tickets back to the UK.
As in, to live.
This was the beginning of a funny old week. For him, because hed just bought the tickets, and that was weird, and suddenly he was thrown into the UK to go to this wedding and see the flat we will be living in and meet up with friends and relations and see all the things we will be going back to.
But for me, I just wandered around looking at all the things and people we will be leaving behind.
This made me sad.
But it is not a sad thing we are doing.
Weve been here over two years now, made some amazing friends, learnt a lot about a part of the world that I would live in again, in a second, if the chance came up.
And in which we could, at a push, if we wanted to, stay. Were both getting freelance work, have flexible enough visas and its not a case of must go back Itll just be a lot more lucrative and afford us a lot more possibilites if we work out of the UK instead of the west coast of the USA right now: thats just the way it is.
So it is sensible, and rational, and logical – all are things Im not very good at in general, and as Ive been hinting, it is an idea weve been throwing around for months, and really is the best thing to do right now (for now).
I am happy because THINGS will be easier. Banking and accounts, insurance and all of that guff will be easier. Spending time with our very-much-loved family and friends in the UK will be easier. Getting work will be easier, in a way, depending on which of us is doing what. I am looking forward to having weekends away in lovely European places and seeing lovely friends there too. And just seeing THINGS there too. I am looking forward to having certainty about being able to stay where I am, and know what I am doing, and not have to process a lot of plans about if THIS happens then well do THAT, but if THATs happening well do THIS, OR this, depending on the result of meetings X, Y and/or Z
I am looking forward to well, lots of things. Theres plenty of time for that as we go along. Thats what the blog is for, right?
I am sad because I wont be here anymore. I am sad because I wont have the smells and the light and the sunshine and the geography and the possibilities and the sense of optimism that I like about being in California. Im sad, mostly sad, because Ill miss the family of friends that we have built and met here.
But I cant be that sad, because I dont have a ban on coming back here, and I dont have a limit on how often, either, frankly, so there.
And although these last couple of years have been very difficult, professionally and confidence-wise particularly, for me – and made infinitely more interesting with my Beloved going from fully employed to freelance – I dont want to dwell on that. Not only because they have been crappy/interesting times for so many of us, and I dont want to pretend were special in this.
But also because without them, I wouldnt have met the people Ive met, had the conversations Ive had, and somehow ended up with some of the most ridiculous and fun work I could imagine, working on a game. Called Glitch (Im still scared to say that out loud in case someone takes it away from me. But Im going to have to stop being scared of that some time or other) And Im going to continue doing that, on top of some other work things I hope to continue doing, some things I used to do that I hope to get the chance to do again, and some other things I want start doing, once we get back to the UK. It is exciting and interesting. In the good way.
My beloved explains it all in a more rational, professional, manly way here.
So there you have it. Were going back to live in Brighton – at the beginning of November. FACT.
It is exciting and sad and frustrating and brilliant and daunting and heart-breaking and anxiety-settling all at the same time.
I just thought I should make it a bit clear, for once.
Its not a bad thing. Or a failure. Or proof that this was all a mistake (by any, any means). Its a good thing. And a happy thing. And a logical, rational, sensible thing that will help everything be as wonderful as it should be, (or just as it should be) in the end. It is a happy thing.
But that doesnt mean its not also sad.