The revolutionary new

. abdominal exercises you can perform using only a resistance thong and a tin of superfoods that will guarantee you your perfect bikini bod within 28 minutes!

There must be some logic to the collection of magazines that crowd the racks of my little neighbourhood gym. In fact, its possible to come to a whole set of conclusions about the kind of people frequenting the gym just by going through the glossy pages shoved into the boxes by the ineffectual recumbent bicycle or the youre-trying-to-kill-me stair climbing machine.

You would quickly come to the conclusion that:
a) You assume this to be a reasonably affluent area with a lot of new parents of a possibly slightly older age, with the preponderance of Parenting, Ladies Home Journal and Martha Stewart Magazine. Youd be correct.
b) The quite overwhelming number of magazines with rich and/or calorific recipes on every page might lead you to suspect that the people who use this gym either dont really have much weight to lose, or have the self control of GODS. Youd be mainly correct.
c) Women like reading magazines on exercise equipment more than men. Possibly true. Well, thats one way of thinking about it. You could also presume that d) the men who frequent the place like reading womens magazines, or e) that San Francisco is so beyond the traditional genre constraints when it comes to magazine usage that such conclusions are immediately nullified or f) that ALL MEN CANT READ, but then thats the problem with drawing conclusions, you can really draw any conclusions you like from whatever information youre given, if you feel like it. I could draw a conclusion that the majority of the gym memberships were held by ducks because I once found a feather under the treadmill, but I wont. Not again.)

I dont want, particularly, to read about the latest results of the leading consumer diaper tests (number 1 class), have long since decided that coming out of a hard hours exercise wanting nothing more than to cook one of Home Journals traditional apple pies and eat it all at once is a bit counterproductive and, frankly, find Martha Stewarts perfect robotic demeanor nothing less than terrifying. My problem, which wasnt one I would have expected, is that the subject covered least in the two dozen shallow bins of magazine is Fitness. There is little evidence of things on the subject of Exercise.
Nothing by the title of Health.
Or The Magazine of Subjects That People in Gyms Might Like

I dont want to sound completely ungrateful. There are (generally) two magazines on the topic.
I end up reading them a lot. I think theyre monthly – or perhaps fortnightly – so by the end of whatever period it is they come out (or until they disappear off home in someones gym bag) I have generally read them cover to cover. Each issue. And have for many many months now.

And therefore, I would like to officially take my hat off to the people who write, edit, and commission for health and fitness magazines. They are literally AMAZING. Honestly, they just say the same thing, every single issue, with almost no new information, deviation or recourse to the power original thinking – just a LOT of repetition, in various combinations.

See, it doesnt seem as if health and fitness advice changes that fast. It is summed up by quite simple principles, really:
Eat less, move around more basically covers it, in fact.

There are ways to move your muscles that will strengthen them, there are foods that you can eat that are better for you than others, and there are tips and recommendations for how to exercise so that you can lose girth, raise fitness levels and avoid injury.

It is becoming clear to me that these rules are quite constant. They dont seem to change as often as you might imagine the editors of these magazines might like. Because all they do is throw the same informational ingredients into a blender, hit the on switch, and then pour whatever results from it into 140 pages of magazine.

If any of those editors, incidentally, from any of these magazines happen to be reading then – and I know you cruise by on a super-regular basis – I have some BRILLIANT new, groundbreaking ideas for features in upcoming editions of your magazine that I believe might be substantially different yet similar enough to anything youve published recently to interest you.

Ahem.

7 Revolutionary Tips for Getting YOUR Butt Beach-Ready In 7 days
A set of pictures demonstrating the same moves that were in last months feature Five Foolproof Ass-Kicking Bun-Tighteners YOU Can Do At Your Desk! but with the accompanying photoshoot taking place on a beach rather than in an office, and with the model wearing a swimming costume, rather than spectacles, semi-formal blouse and slacks.

Beat The Binge: How to Control Those Cravings All the Way To Thintown!
Rules for binge-beating to include: when you want a biscuit, dont have a biscuit. Have a carrot. And the groundbreaking: Eat breakfast and Drink water.

How That Celebrity Lady On The Cover Lost The Unfeasibly Small Amount of Baby Weight She Put On Previously
A revealing and exceptionally personal interview with whichever stunning celebrity of childbearing age is on the cover this month, revealing all her top secrets for losing the unnaturally small amount of weight she claims to have put on during pregnancy in an unhealthily short time. These tips will include: a) eating everything you like in moderation, b) morning yoga and c) realising how much more complete motherhood has made her life and suddenly dropping 15 unhappy pounds due to the revelation. Tips wil not include the personal nutritionist, in-house chef and trainer paid for by the studio of the next project shes working on, or the six hours of high-impact cardio a day, during which the baby-weight (now known as baby) will be looked after by one of three nannies.

Wait, what do you MEAN youve done all of these already this week?

Oh, ok, yes. Ill pitch them again next week.