Break for the boreder

You know what I miss about home? Home in the sense of where I am from, you understand, rather than where I live, which is clearly here and not there at all and therefore isnt something to miss? You know what I miss?

Being able to leave it easily. I mean, I can leave here pretty easily, we have doors – although not as many as I am accustomed to, it being one of them fancy-schmancy loft apartments with mezzanines an open plans and only one wall with windows – but we cannot just decide to pick up, get on a plane, and go for an explorey city break in a foreign land. And sometimes, I get a little bit sad about that, because it is one of my favourite things.

And then I realise how stupid that is. Because Im living in this enormous country of which I have seen approximately 0.0009% of and perhaps only a limited time to see as much of it (and perhaps get as much lucrative writing material out of it) as we can, so I should shut the fuck up already and get on with it.

So I want to start having breaks. And I want to go to just anywhere I can get to from here, quickly (ish) and easily (ish) because if I dont do it now, when am I going to. I have my itchy feet again. I love my itchy feet. I need to explore again.

I want to go to Boring, Oregon. And, Ordinary, Kentucky. I want to see whats so Happy about Happyland, Oklahoma; I want to visit all the folk history and small enthusiasts museums I can find. Im even considering visiting Florida, although mainly because the Holy Land theme park there offers perhaps the only roller coaster + recreation of crucifiction recreational experience I might find anywhere. I want to go to competitive Steak competitions and find large foodstuffs made of fibreglass and take pictures of them. I want to visit Bubblegum Alley, where the walls are coated six inches deep in pre-masticated goo, just to say Ive been.

Im not quite sure how Im going to fund this, though I have a few ideas (however, if it turns out I need all my livers after all, I might have to go back to the drawing board) – and we might have to start small; but if I can find a way of funding it or at least justifying it, theres nothing I cannot do.

I have a weird yearning to go to Kansas at the moment. Admittedly its mainly so that, on the plane out again afterward, I can turn to whoever might be my seat-neighbour half an hour after take off and say, in that polite jolly tone you only use with strangers during small talk, Well, I guess were not in Kansas anymore!!!

Man, the travelling businesspeople of Kansas must love that joke and all the hilarious people who think they are the first to make it. I know they must.

Specifically, Im thinking I might first target Liberal Kansas.

No, dont worry, I wont have to do as much careful searching and combing of county political polls as that might suggest: its a town. Liberal, Kansas. And it has an airport. And a Wizard of Oz museum with a real yellow brick road and from the looks of it, only three hotels, and one of them is called the SUPER-LIBERAL! (or, alright, the super-8-liberal) which pretty much sums me up. And ALL the hotels are on Pancake Boulevard, all of which sounds heavenly to me. Also its within driving distance of Beaver and Hooker, Kansas, and I just have to visit once before I die, right?

Monkeys Eyebrow, Arizona; Novelty, Missouri; Pigbutt, Idaho; Hell, Michigan; Humptulips, Washington; Tigertown, Texas; Bumfuck, Idaho; Experiment, Georgia. Hell, only some of these are made up, people! Most of them are out there, theyre real, and unknown, and waiting.

Mainly Im interested, though, in people gathering together in these places to celebrate the things they feel passionately about. I would love to go to the Spoon-Art championships in Horsefingerer, Ohio. Ive already got the Yo-Yo championships (California. Near me, in fact) and a good few other whos the best at that thing no one else has ever really considered doing much competitions marked into my diary. But if any one else hears of any – no matter how silly it seems – a place or a competition that they think that cant be real, can it? please, let me know. And if I can find a way to go – I will