How to support support stockings

[Title suggested by LizSara suggested this title when I asked; here]

I do realise that tights are, by far, the least loved of the legwear world. Stockings might be sexy, socks might be sensible, and well, I mean, Im screwed if I know, all the cool kids may well be rocking pop socks this year. But I care not. Tights are best. Particularly, and Im not even slightly ashamed of this, so you neednt think I am – particularly what are technically known as suckyinnytights – which are terribly good for the confidence, and the line of your dress, and for the arse.

ALSO – and this is a very good thing – it is almost impossible to lose a matching pair of tights, because they are connected at the top.

Perhaps socks should also consider this. Perhaps in some manner like mittens: you know, with a string around the crotch. Or something.

However, all the love for the suckyinnytights shouldnt be one way. A one way love would be wrong, and bad, especially for something with two legs. Love between things with two legs should be a two-way love. One love per leg.

So, you know, if you are a person, and you are wanting to show love and support for your legwear, there are various ways you can do that.

Putting them in a special drawer is good one, as is making sure you dont have lots of snagged nails before pulling them on. Not hanging them up in the bathroom in what must be considered a come hither (and rip me to shreds) fashion while your two teenaged cats are watching is also a life-prolonging tip to remember.

You could also try buying them flowers. Or talking to them in a soothing voice and saying nice things. That would also be considered reasonably supportive, if a little odd, what with them being tights and all.

I am lost for other things that one could do. However, if you wanted to have music piped into the drawer in which you keep your suckyinnytights, or any other tights, for example, that would be a nice idea, and I would suggest any of the following tracks might be applicable.

1) Ill Be There For You, Other Leg – by The Rembrants, who moved on to making tight-based songs to capitalise on their Friends theme tune success.

2) Good Nylon Sweetheart -its a be-bop classic.

3) Non-slip Lovin’ – by some big-haired metal band of the mid eighties.

4) Ladder Me Tender by Elvis, though at this point he was really considered completely off his tits.

5) Some other songs.

Which I am too tired to think of.

No, Im not going anywhere with this. It was a nice title though.