Oh, the glamour

Yes, I can speak, of course, go ahead.

I clasp between the phone and my shoulder as nice, important, particular editor type person starts talking, and I continue to tie the corners of the litter tray liner as quietly as I possibly can.

Yeah, so thanks for sending that over, its great. Can you just tweak it a li

I thought I was all fixed and filed for the moment, was going to take twenty minutes, heat up some soup, do a couple of necessary household things (litter, laundry hanging, lunch) then get on with a new task. I was halfway through changing the litter tray when the phone rang.

love the joke at the top, but maybe we lose it? Straighter intro, I think, maybe move the gag further dow

The kittens are sniffing around the bottom of the cabinets as I quietly stealthily open a drawer, silently pull out a binbag and then shut it with a bang as I notice Squirrel disappearing into the cupboard from whence Ive just pulled a bag of litter.

le more statistics, and

BANG! says the drawer.

are you sure nows a good time to talk?

Oh, of course, go ahead!

I place the bin bag on the floor near the bin and the litter tray, in preparation for adding the used litter bag to it, as soon as Ive saved

Rorw? Rooooo? Meeeeeeeeooooooo-uuououo a plaintive noise fades back and forth under the kitchen units. I put my hand over the phone.

Yes alRIGHT Squirrel, Im COMING I hiss.

This is her favourite game at the moment. Run into the cupboard, which is rarely opened, but whenever it is: whoosh. Once in there, sneak behind all the rarely used pots at the back, disappear and then be completely unable to get out. Luckily last week I discovered the skirting under the oven is a little loose. I lie on my stomach and juggle it.

at sound ok? Comes the tinny voice from my ear.

Yes! Oh yes, marvellous, certainly. So its bring the top joke down, bring the info up, and .

Squirrel runs past my head, and over toward her sister who is, I notice, sniffing around the empty bin bag lying near the empty litter tray.

and you want it written through, rather than in point form? Yes? Or noooooo I trail off, as Widget squats down over the binbag and starts gleefully releasing urine onto the crinkly black surface.

Yes, not point form, I think. And less points abou

KitchenRollKitchenRollKitchenRoll. Actually, do we have any? ToiletPaperToiletPaperToiletPa

I run into the bathroom and back. Widget is still weeing. How such a small cat can contain a pool of liquid the size of Lake Windermere, I have no idea, but have no intention of lifting her midstream.

et that back to me by quarter past, yeah?

Oh yeah, no problem I say, dabbing at hot cat piss with my non-phone-holding hand. Sooner! Itll be with you in ten minutes.


No problem. Anytime.