Sing me to sleep

I have, of late – though wherefore I know not – lost my ability to sleep without listening to the radio. I mean, I listen to the radio anyway, generally, while working. But for the last couple of weeks I have been listening to it also all night, very quietly.

Partly, yes, because I miss the snuffling semisnore of my missing bedfilller fella, but also because no, thats mainly it. I mean, also due to living in a highly-pubbed area, just a little white noise means I sleep straight through jolly people wending their way home, powered only by their own shouting and the much vocalised need to wee.

Its just no station seems to specialise in the perfect white noise. Interestingly, my fancypants alarm clock DOES feature a white noise facility, but since I have discovered that its actual white noise that I need so much as really quiet boring music I can sleep through, it just wont do.

It is annoying, then, that I cannot find Really Boring FM.

I have tried several things;

First, Easy listening stations, but I couldnt get to sleep for trying to sing along;

I tried Jazz ones, but there always came a moment where everything would get a bit modern and freeform and Bee-doodly-WAH-WAH-SQUEEEEEEE and frankly, that does not a restful nights kip make;

I kept coming back to a couple of Stations where People Talked all night in drowsy and dull monotones about incomprehensible things like international crop relations and personal finance, but I either kept waking up freaked out that I was hearing voices, or I started thinking about scary tax things and couldnt get back to sleep.

So I settled on a Nice Safe Classical Music station, seeing as I quite often have their world music show thing on as Im reading anyway before sleeps.

In the last few nights, then, I have discovered that relaxing overnight classical music is Not As Relaxing As They Say It Is, frankly. Youll have to bear with me, while I try and describe this:

Im alright on the classical music that I really like (very pedestrian – some Bach cello gubbins, fractions of Mozart, selected hits by that Beethoven guy, some of that Handel shit and random other things as and when I happen upon them) its been a while since I last studied it as a genre, and Im a little rusty.

So heres whats going to happen – Im going to have to describe them the best way I know how. And no, I dont need any help, thank you, this way is fine. I know nothing, and Im fine with knowing nothing, in this particular instance.

Which is funny, because theres some woman whos quite the expert on classical music who has almost exactly the same name as me but writes for another paper, and sometimes I get her mail. No, sorry, its not that funny.

So. it is not as relaxing as classical music through the night would seem to suggest it might be. I mean, it is for a bit, generally going on with the strings and a bit of soft, smooth wheedaw-wheedaw nyooze nyooze wah wah neeeeeee, which is fine, because it sounds a bit like walking through gentle moonlit valleys that smell of cedarwood and contain babbling brooks, but then theyll suddenly realise that theyve done that bit for a while, and move on to the cresendo into the passage which sounds a bit like angry giants coughing in a giant tiled toilet while farting, and goes BUUUURM-BIIRRRM-Booooorm TACH TCH Phumph PHA!, and while the cedarwood bit was very quiet, this bit is not, because it wouldnt be so sodding dramatic that way, and oh no, those classical musicalists wouldnt like that At All.

Those Classical Musicalists, in fact, would say the shouty Rum-FLUMP-MEEEEEEH bit was, in fact, the best bit.

Which I completely disagree with. I mean, I know theyd be all it has an intrinsic worth above and beyond Being *snort* Your Lullaby, MUZZ Pickard, and I think youll find people want to listen to to it rather than IGNORE it while they get their SLEEP, young lady.

To which I would say Well thank you, as being 30, I dont nearly get called young lady enough anymore. In fact some little bastard in the shop held the door open for me and called me a polite and respectful name one would usually bestow on a Victorian Schoolmistress the other day, the wee toad, so really thanks for that. And re: the other thing – I totally get what youre saying, but seriously, its loud, and its shouty, and really – cant they play that shit during the day?

By which point the Classical Musicalist either would have walked off in disgust or made that disgusted HUFF! noise so many times in a row theyd hyperventilated and passed out.

So anyway. I should go to bed now.

But, just in case: I need something soothing not shouty to listen to as I sleep. Any suggestions would be welcome.

Any suggestions of things that are available on digital radio in the UK, I mean.

[Any suggestions about how I should get a fucking clue about classical music, meanwhile, will be entirely and completely wasted on me.

Save your breath. You may need it for going HUFF]