I am feeling worried that at more than thirty (THIRTY! I may just DIE any minute!) years of age, I still have no clear career plan. Or pension. Im not so fussed about the pension, or buying a house or any of that rubbish as much as I probably should, mainly because I can in no way afford it. The chance of us being able to afford to get on the property ladder is approximately the same as the chance of us getting on to the property ladder on the moon (where everyone lives on vertical ladders, you see, due to the lack of gravity, so it is more literal there)

Anyway. There is a problem with not having very great aspirations in the first place, really, and then, and then managing to achieve some of those and then feeling a bit confused, like you *did* know what you wanted to do when you grew up, and now that youve done that youre not quite sure anymore. And

So here is my new list of things I want to be when I grow up.


Someone who designs road systems
I think this must be very hard, and also take a long long time to get good at. Therefore it is a good thing to aim for, as I dont know anything about driving, not being able to drive and that, so I could either take a long time becoming very good at it – which would mean I would have a long term goal for a long time. OR I could take a very short time to be very bad at it, and just make shit up. It would be brilliant. Every one would be driving around in cricles trying to follow signs that said helpful things like Compulsory Hat Zone next 40 mi or Drive like a buffoon until next roundabout.

Curtain designer
It must be pretty easy, as theyre basically just large sheets of cloth with handles at the top for hanging from things. So it could be achievable quite quickly, and then once I was capable of sewing hanging handles to sheets, I could quickly move on to being the Foremost Curtain Designer In The World.

Nail Varnish Namer
Or paint. I could also do paint. Hot Blood Sundae! Smiling Rasberry! Squashed Animal After Several Days Sunshine!

A Tractor
Or a bulldozer. I dont mind.

Tom Hanks agent
God that man annoys me. That would be great, though. Revenge being a dish best serving cold and that.
Oh hallo Tom, yis I have an audition for you, darling, its fabulous, its for a giant Hot Dog in a hot dog advert. Yes! A hot dog advert selling hot dogs! Oh no I insist, youd be marvellous, darling, its very YOU! Yes, because youre very tall!

Polar bear
But not one trapped on an iceberg and coming down with symptoms of the climate changes. Nor one in a zoo. Somewhere in the middle, then. Not in the sea, I mean, that would be very dead-making. More wandering about killing seals and being generally quite violent and happy, but not dying of the climate changes.

Fairy princess

Fifteen other things
That I cannot think of right now. It is quite dizzying as a future. Im going to be very busy. That is fo sho.

But not a very good one. Most likely a very bad one.