Insults 101: Insults for Idiots (not including Youre an idiot)

[It was requested that since I havent got time to post the finished things, I post some of the half written things hanging around my desktop and documents folder. Well, you asked for it. Thats all]

See, the great thing about having hardly any self-confidence at all is that people have to try quite hard indeed to insult you with any real efficacy.

So someone says to you:

You know what? Youre ugly
And you say
Yes! Thats true! I AM really quite unattractive. And you know whats more? I smell. I dont know why, I must have forgotten to put any deodorant on after the gym this morning. But I really do stink bad. This is fun. Your turn!

Or they say

Youre thick, you know nothing.
And you say
Also true! People dont seem to notice as often as they should, but Im thick as pigshit. Anything you feel you can tell me to enhance my appalling education, please, you should.

Or they say

Youre fat
and you say
You have a point. I am far more overweight than is currently acceptable in society. And its really horribly distributed as well. ALSO, Im not even a pretty fat girl. Im an ugly one. Seriously, ask that lady over there, she knows, she just said. Was there anything else?

And they say Um. You cant write. This thing you do is shit

And you say Well, thank god you noticed, it really is absolutely terrible, isnt it? The problem is, of course, Ill never be as good as this person, or that one, and overall, Im just very poor technically, my vocabulary is fucking dreadful, overall, yes, Im a complete waste of space. Yes! Do you want to do it instead? Youre probably a lot better at it.

Im sitting here thinking, and to be honest, Im finding it hard to think of anything that people can tell me that could ACTUALLY insult me, if thats what theyre trying to do. And the more my profile is raised by one thing or another, the more I realise that that is something people want to do, so in order to help them out, I should probably find a way for them to do it the easiest and most effective way.

So I think the easiest way to insult, if you Are looking for one, is just to go for the bad wordplay, lazy cliché-ridden copy – actually even then Im pretty likely to agree with you. Hm. Just wait until I say that I think something is good, that I did. I dont feel brave or confident enough to say that very often, so wait until I do. And THEN point out that someones already done it, but better. Its still not really an insult, though, is it?

Sorry, I will think on, and come back to you.

UPDATE – THE NEXT DAY

Id just like to thank all the dear friends who have taken the trouble to think long and hard, and have emailed me with suggestions of insults I might find insulting in cause of proving how well they know me. Yes, well done, very impressive.

And if you ever mention my name in the same sentence as that woman again, I will castrate you with a pair of primary school scissors.