Words words words

Things people might not know about me, number one in an unyet undecided series of things:

Im an incredibly dramatic typist – something I have to fight to repress when working in train carriages or cafes.
Its not just the pulling of faces relevant to the tone of whatever Im writing (though I do that too, very much. Comically much), its that I lose words: big crucial, important words, without which the sentence simply wont be right. Im very picky about each word being exactly right, so its unbearably frustrating when I lose them.

And when I do lose them, I have a tendency to make little motions with my hands to try and retrieve them. This is a fine thing to do if you generally have bluebottles circling your head, but as I dont – and I like to think that not smelling of poo plays not a small part in this – it tends to look just a little bit crazy.

The problem is that I know exactly the word I want – its the only word that will do, in the circumstances – and I have a reasonable vocabulary, and the word is IN there, and if theres anyone with me, I can describe its exact meaning, and contextual usage, but just not IT. Rather more annoyingly, my brain starts playing with it, in a very visual way, and then it gets stuck, and No, Im not explaining very well.

An example: Last year when wed just moved to Brighton and I was trying to work out how to do writing easily on the train, I borrowed a handheld device that my useful Beloved had kicking about the house for testing purposes. I talked about it on my blog, and on here, called it a flan, which confused a lot of people.

Because of course it wasnt called a flan, that would be stupid. It was a palm, but time after time, trying to put my finger on THAT word I came up with the word flan instead. It has the same number of letters, slightly rearranged, and a p looks very much like an f, and and n’ like an m, really, so once I had this image in my brain, it was very difficult to shift and replace it with another.

I think my problem is that words are very physical, solid, visual, tactile things, and thus difficult to shift just because they happen have completely the wrong meaning (through no fault of their own, poor things). Not one to hold this against them, in conversation with My Beloved Ill more often use the first word rather than the right one, so ladders get introduced into conversation about the rain, or forks make a sudden appearance in a political discussion. Its something hes had to get used to. I try harder with other people.

And when youre writing things, of course, you cant use amoeba rather than albino, because people would quite fairly get offended. And so um Ive forgotten what my point was.

Yes. Dramatic typist. Um. Im building up to something, I swear.