Things I never knew until a couple of days ago:

1. What seagulls sound like having sex.
With each other.
Not that theres any alternative, I think. Or hope not, at any cost.

2. How theUm No, actually, its mainly the seagull thing.

I never knew what seagulls sounded like having sex.

I never knew, or, in fact, wondered.

I know now what seagulls having sex sound like.
I now know very well.

I know now because theyre at it like rabbits about 15 times a day on the rooftop opposite my back window.
In fact, it occurs that the phrase at it like rabbits may be somewhat usurped.

Theyre at it like fucking seagulls.

Literally.

About which, incidentally. I have only one thing to say:

Young People. If ever, EVER another young person offers you coffee and takes you home and plies you with wine, and, with the help of soft music and sweet nothings, one thing leads to another and, in a moment of weakness with lips wrapped around your earlobes you hear a soft suggestion that you maybe do it seagull style, DO NOT SAY YES.

Otherwise, you will find yourself gazing forlornly straight ahead while some randy bugger jumps up and down on your back, flapping their arms and shouting

UNK!

UNK!

UNK!

UNK!

UNK!

UNK!

UNK!

UNK!

UNK!

UNK!

UNK!

UNK!

UNK!

UNK!

UNK!

UNK!

For about fifteen minutes or until they notice someone drop a donut on a nearby street, at which point you will be unceremoniously dumped.

Either way, you will only have a short time to straighten your front-bottom-feathers before the next round of unking begins.

And if youre all VERY good, Ill post a video.