Things that should have been invented by now


An intentionally calming and regionally-inoffensive woman speaks.

You have selected option pause, a mans voice barks out THREE pause, back to the regional nursemaid lady were sorry, all our operators are busy at the moment, you will therefore be on hold for an undisclosable period of time. During this time, we will be playing hold music.

IF you do NOT want to listen to our unidentifiable and generally risible choice of hold music and would rather spend your time on hold in calming silence, even if it Does mean that you get a bit of a nasty shock when someone suddenly says Hellothisisvirginmedia, yourethroughtoSpamface, howcanniyelpyoooo? after 27 minutes, once youd comepletely forgotten you were even holding a phone, please press the star button NOW.

Can someone clever invent it, please? Because I promise all the call centres I have to deal with that youd find me a much sweeter person to talk to from the off if youd given me silence as a choice. I would pay for the privilege and Id be nice as pie. Silence. Pure silence.

Or perhaps the sound of birds, singing.

Or whales. whooing.

Or wind, blowing through autumn leaves. Or rabbits, playing in dewy grass.

Or children, laughing. Or a live feed of the call-centre smoking area. Or perhaps you could just press a button to be patched through to someone else ALSO on hold while you are on hold, so you can have a bit of a whinge about it. You could meet someone. It would be a new, untapped dating market.

Or just birdsong instead.

Or perhaps a guessing game. Or a quiz. Or French lessons.

Yes! You could be offered a choice of different language classes! People would be phoning back hoping to be stuck on hold ALL the time.

That would be great.

Or maybe just nature noises.

If you would like to hear the sound of powerful waterfalls, press seven. Once you need to pause your position in the queue to go to the toilet, please press the hash key, repeatedly, and with growing urgency

The noise of clouds, gently blowing by. The sound of sunrise, or a tree, growing.

A tree growing would have been good on the phone to fucking Virgin Media (internet? No, we have forgotten to set up your internet! Would you mind your internet being set up in about three weeks, instead? Well give you a couple of weeks free what with it being entirely our fault and that). A tree growing – real time, obv – would have just about covered the time they kept me on hold.

Silence would have been a perfectly reasonable option.
Well: that or rabbits, playing.

Or hm. What else, I wonder? What else?