A list

Watching something this evening in which someone was bemoaning that they hadnt done everything on their Things to do before Im 30 list.

I panicked. I havent even got a things to do before Im 30 list.

Suddenly, I feel bereft, and sit down, with a sense of determination and grist, I settle down to my task.

THINGS to DO before Im 30: a list.

1: Write list of things to do before Im 30.

Sadly, at this point, I get stuck.


2: Write an opera.

3: Visit the arctic and stroke wild polar bears. Preferably baby polar bear but grown would also be great, obv.

4: Change career entirely (barristry? I could be a barrister! Always thought Id be great at barristing).

5: Invent something. A new card game or biscuit recipe would be good, but not as good as, say, a new piece of handheld communication technology that I could patent and sell for several billion English Pounds.

6: Learn Italian.

7: Become wildly successful at something (decide on what later), take over world etc.

8: Become a size ten. In clothing. Sorry, Im not sure what one can be a size ten in. Condoms? I would have to also grow a penis, and thats really not on the list.

9: Be a millionaire.

10: Oscar?

11: Save up for/buy house, decorate, get pregnant, have baby.

12: Learn to cook like crazy incredible chef.

And I think I might be alright, because Ive got till the middle of May.


Maybe its slightly over ambitious. I dont even know if Ive missed the application date for Oscars. I should make a different list. A less ambitious, more realistic list.


1: Find the best Eggs Benedict in the world.

2: Eat it.

And those are hopefully going to taken care of before 10 tomorrow morning. Or if not the worlds best then certainly some. God, there have got to be other things I have on my list. No one told me about this list. I not only have only four months to not only do everything on the list but also write it.


What am I supposed to have done before Im thirty?

Help me.