Intelligent colour

After busily lying around on beaches for two weeks, I have developed what is called a healthy glow. I know this because people keep saying it. Ooh, you have a Really Nice Tan, they keep saying, A Really Healthy Glow, its Great Colour. And its incredible, because they manage to say all these things without once ungritting their teeth.

I had no idea so many people I knew had gritty teeth, but they really really do. Because the fact is that everyone likes a nice tan. Just not when its some one else that has it, its the middle of winter, and they themselves are the colour of skimmed milk.

Therefore, with all-comers despising my sunglowedness, I am left to smugly compliment on my own glowy tone. Well done me.

So as a treat, to congratulate myself on having quite such a damn good tan, I buy myself some new foundation.

The foundation I buy is, it seems, a chemical beauty product breakthrough, a modern miracle of cosmetic science – even though it only costs Ten English Pounds, which in the circumstances must be an incredible bargain, since it is apparently made of magic, and its special powers include liquid to powder cloak of invisibility.

Intelligent colour it says. Foundation that cleverly adapts to match exactly the colour of your skin

Since the only reason I wear foundation in the first place to cover my slightly jolly and ruddy complexion, I have to wonder about the efficacy of a product that is, it seems, claiming to be intelligently see-through.

So what, the complex chemical compound contained in this harmless looking Boots tube is going to magically fake a pleasant beige on quite a lot of my skin, but will automatically adopt a hearty rouge when it hits my blusheasy cheeks? Isnt that a bit pointless?

But very clever, obv. And on the positive side, it will not matter if I drop it on my top, as it will immediately ape the hot pink of that, or on my coat, as the matter will, by its certain nature, suddenly adopt a khaki hue.

I realise why they have chosen to put this product in an opaque containers, it is very clever. Attempting to sell them in see-through tubes would be a very costly mistake, as every time you put them down on a surface they would blend seemlessly with the background and effectively disappear. Once out of their box, you would never find them again. And also theyd be horrifically easy to shoplift.

For a while, I dwell on the questionable wisdom of whether a cream with such a powerful – almost magical – chemical properties is something I should voluntarily be smearing on my own face, but then I notice it says hypo-allergenic near the bottom of the tube, so conclude it must be ok, and most likely made out of mainly natural ingredients.

I conclude that it is mainly made out of pureed chameleons.