A Boating Holiday: Hennie, part II

Hennie, who comes from South Africa and blogs at Hollyveld, claims to be a straight man trapped in a gay body. He should probably see a doctor about that.

His previous answers are here.

8) What are your five favourite blogs that ARENT littleredboat.co.uk?

Is this a trick question? And do you really want me to be honest here? Because theyre not exactly the type of blogs Im thinking youre thinking Im liking reading a lot.

Theres very little reading involved at all, to be honest.

Im kidding, of course. No, really. Do you KNOW how expensive bandwidth is in this country?

9) Name eight (fictional or non-fictional, alive or dead) people you would never, under any circumstances, invite to a dinner party, and why.

Winona Ryder. I like my things.

Hillary Clinton. Shes scary.

That vinyl-lovin freak from earlier. He weirds me out.

Tony Blair. Id keep giggling at his external hearing organs.

My upstairs neighbour. We strongly dislike each other.

Any panpipe player

The inventor of the internet. He has destroyed my social.

[insert female pop superstar that isnt madonna here]. Shes not Madonna.

10) Name ten people (fictional or non-fictional) that probably wouldnt come to a dinner party if you asked them but they probably should because you think you have valuable advice to give them. Etc.

Winona Ryder. I need to know why the hell I had that bizarre dream of the two of us flying up and down a building trying to get in. This was almost five years ago and it still bugs me. I mean, Winona Ryder!? Why her? I dont have a particular like or dislike of her. I sure dont have impure thoughts about her. Why? It bugs me no end.

Uhm. And nine other people whos names I cant remember right now but they know who they are and thats all that counts.

11) I have a single thick, dark hair that occasionally grows underneath my chin. I am a girl. Is this normal?

Depends.

I have one thick grey hair growing exclusively out of my left eyebrow. Its our first, were very proud and practically looking like Richard Gere only with more facial expressions.

But.

I also have a single, thick dark hair that chronically grows out of the exact same spot on both my earlobes. And I tend to forget about them once theyve been cut down to size the fuckers. Its a special kind of horror, every time Im innocently shaving away, only to discover that, once again, simultaneous productions of Jack and the Beanstalk are being staged in stereo around my head.

I blame GM. And other sciences I know jack-shit about as well.

12) What do you collect (physical or non-physical), and how many do you have?

Thick dark ear hairs.

Two.

13) Would you rather be burnt at the stake, or drowned, or hanged?

This is my favourite question. All of the above, please Anna.

No?

Okay, in that case… hmmm… lets see whats behind Door Number 1. Definitely the most glamorous of the bunch.

14) You are arranging a Punching Party to be held at your house. You will be inviting five people that you and your guests can punch at will. Who are they?

Panpipes.

15) The social (and specifically relationship based) etiquette of farting.

Tough one.

It’s a bodily function just like all the rest, after all, and deserves to be treated with equality and respect. Gas has feelings too, you know. It never had a choice in the matter, it’s not like it woke up one day and thought, “hmm. I think I’ll go gas for a bit.”

That’s why I think events such as the annual Gas Pride Parade – combating nasal bigotry and discrimination the world over! play such an important role in raising social awareness of gas rights.

I have been declared terminally single and therefore am in no way qualified to answer the second part of this question.

16) Provide an explanation for the following image:

explanation

Now this is my kinda party.

Check it out, man, that old bag on the right is DRUNK! Yeah baby baby! Skanky ho! Looks like someones had one too many dips into the punch bowl, know what I mean nudge nudge wink wink giggle giggle snort? Check! Man, shes like, getting on to the table an shit… whoaw… dude no ways shes totally stripping!

I miss Murder She Wrote. They should do another season. They really should.

  1. You surely have something you believed in as a child that people later convinced you was fantasy. Yet somewhere within you, you still think it might actually be fact. Wassit?

Nope.

All serious as a kid, remember? Now, if you were to ask that question in reverse… At present I believe all manner of things that lots of people are trying to convince me of not being true. All manner of things. Yes.

  1. How many pairs of shoes do you own? Which is the worst pair, and what is the story?

Erm, gosh, not that many. I have fancy shoes for all my fancy needs, and active-type shoes for never going to the gym with etc etc, but on a day to day basis Im really a one-pair, wear-em-to-death kinda guy. And hence, every pair of shoes Ive ever owned ends up as the worst one yet.

(Im exaggerating for dramatic effect, of course. If only slightly. But I do take foot-hygiene just as seriously as the next person. Just wanted to be clear on that.)

  1. Whats the point?

The bit where an oblong thing stops being an oblong thing.

  1. If grey is the new black, thin is the new fat and vid is the new blog, what the hell do you think youre doing?

Why, moblogging, of course. Its the new gay.

  1. Im bored of questions, what about you?

Not at all. Talking about myself is what I do best. Its also one of my favourite pastimes.

· Hear more about Hennies economy options at Hollyveld.