A Boating Holiday: Hennie

Hennie, who comes from South Africa and blogs at Hollyveld, claims to be a straight man trapped in a gay body. He should probably see a doctor about that.

Answerage herewithin wherewithal within here provided as being provided herein in reaction and response to queries having been put by yourself and yours, as being an inquiry into myself and me, as a person, personally, whom is in essence known in general to the world as generally being Hennie.

  1. Tell me about your childhood (15 words or less, we dont have all day)

Its over, thankfully. I was a very serious child.

  1. Just because you are related to people, does it mean you should get on with them?

Only on Tuesdays.

  1. Actually, mores the point, if you werent related to some of your family, would you do them, do you think?

Define family here, please.

I mean, how closely related are we talking about, more or less? Because you know, its *technically* alright for cousins to get…

Not? No?

Ill go with no never ever yucky eeuw for 300 pounds, please.

Do you have a name for your genitalia? Yes/No

No. It has a name for me, though.

If yes? Is it a name shared by one of your parents?

Just dishing out the food for thought here, arent we Anna?

Whats the most embarrassing, intrusive question anyones ever asked you (direct quotes only, please), how did you feel when they asked it, and, most importantly, what was your answer? NO, what was your answer Exactly?

Dude, are those white socks?

I felt embarrassed and most intruded upon. And I couldnt answer on account of the tears of self-loathing.

REAL QUESTIONS, so-called.

1) Alright, so if eating loudly on public transport isnt the cardinal sin against society, humanity and moral decency that I claim, what IS the worst?

Panpipes. Mondays. All other drivers. Especially old ones. Morning people. Morning people on Mondays. People who play panpipes. All analogue technology. Especially panpipes. And no, I dont want to hear your sad story about the grooviness of the grooves in the thing being SOOOOH much better than digital at capturing the very essenceness of the soundness, man. Dont care.

Dont care, dont care. Oh for fuck I said I dont oh God please stop saying the word vinyl like that it makes me very uncomfortable okay thats it Im leaving.

People who listen to panpipe music. People who play panpipe music in public spaces. Panpipes.

2) Name the top ten uses for toilet paper.

Mummification – Economy Option.

Haiku composition (What? Its right there, just bring a pen)

Party Bling – Economy Option

Panpipes

Gift Wrapping – Economy Option

Make-shift measuring device

Right, Im reaching. Moving along then.

3) Whats the funniest word in the world? Apart from biscuit?

Polyglot.

Because it just begs to denote something rude and nasty and suspicious. Truly one of the great missed opportunities in the history of English vocabulary.

Also, moblogging.

4) Aliens have landed. What do you show them first? (Please take your penis as a given answer, and move onto the next thing) why that, and how do you explain it to them?

Youre good at this question business, arent you? I can tell.

I shall show them a panpipe and they will turn around and go back home.

5) Shadow animals made with animals. Can you make them, whats the point, dont you think theyre a bit rubbish and please provide a step by step instruction (no pictures allowed)

Ive never really been much of a fan of performance art. Too messy.

6) Have you ever grown a moustache? If so, where?

Can I just please say that a moustache is the single biggest fucking turn off in the entire history of the world ever.

Why? Why? Why do they still infest the visages of otherwise perfectly ordinary-looking or even handsome men the world over to this very day? Why? For fuck, never mind that its so utterly grim and unsettling to the constitution to behold, how the hell do you expect anyone to take you seriously looking like that with your bits of fur prodding and pulsating and bobbing up and down all independently of your upper lip as if its got a life of its own like a like a like a a a fat juicy maggot or something? Hmm?

I have a problem with moustaches.

Oooh wait! Is it too late to go back to the first question and put moustaches on the list of things that are vile and disgusting now? Because Id like to add moustaches to the list, please Anna. Also, panpipes.

And apologies to any moustache-donning reader.

7) We all have our eccentricities. I like matching things. And correctly stacked things. And cant handle labels sticking out of clothes. Hell, everyone knows mine. Please tell us all about yours. In horrific detail.

See above.

*racks brain, searches for eccentric behaviour patterns. fails miserably. feels devastatingly average and normal all of a sudden*

I dont seem to have any noteworthy quirks, no.

No wait! Does watching Oprah count?

  • Continue reading about Hennies psychological foibles at Hollyveld.