Yaxlich only ever talks about himself in the third person. Which makes it difficult not to sound like you are Yaxlich, even if you are not Yaxlich. Damn. Yaxlich blogs at World Of Yaxlich.
The social (and specifically relationship based) ettiquette of farting.
Yaxlich has fond memories of his first proper girlfriend. She wasnt particularly pretty or anything, she had odd looking teeth and she walked a bit like a man but she will always hold a special place in his heart because she was what can only be described as a fart aficionado.
He had had girlfriends before but none of them lasted for much longer than a couple of weeks. He doesnt recall ever getting chucked specifically for farting but he cant dismiss it either. It may well be that after reading this that some former girlfriend will appear in the comments section and say that she gave Yaxlich the elbow because, to quote Princess Diana, there were three of us.
From a very early age Yaxlich realised that he had a gift. He could fart at will. His mummy will tell you that it started pretty much from the moment he was born. In the days immediately after his birth, for example, he would never fart when they were alone in the hospital. He would wait until visiting hours and the bed was surrounded by cooing family and friends before letting go with a fart that reverberated around the ward to the point where it would wake up all of the other sleeping babies who would then join in as well. The trumpet involuntary as his mummy refers to it.
He remembers when he went to big school for the first time. His mummy sat him down and told him that some people might be envious of his gift and that he should only ever use his powers for good. With great power comes great responsibility she said and Yaxlich was always very careful to ensure that any farting he did was in context. Punctuating a music lesson with a back door back beat was acceptable but providing accompaniment to the headmaster reciting the Lords Prayer at assembly was not.
As he got older he discovered that his gift could be used in lots of different situations. He made a great number of friends because of his ability to trump on demand. He was the only one in his class that was not picked on by the school bully for fear of rectal reprisals in confined spaces. Farting made him popular and farting made him happy. Never was the young Yaxlich more at one with the world than when he was surrounded by his peers pulling his finger.
At around the same time that Phil Collins got to number two in the charts with In The Air Tonight, Yaxlich discovered girls or, rather, they discovered him. He had never really paid much attention to them before. They didnt play football or flick bogies at each other in class so they didnt really count in the grand scheme of things.
He can only think that they must have seen a crowd of boys, assumed that the crowd was chanting was Fight! Fight! Fight! and then rushed over to watch. All Yaxlich can remember is lying on the ground with a box of Swan Vesta next to him and looking up to see three girls pulling faces and saying things like That is so disgusting and Hes so immature. Blissfully unaware of the shifting hormones in his male counterparts, he carried on with the job in hand and produced a jet of flame that even Red Adair would have thought twice about tackling.
This proved to be a turning point in his life. His former friends now shunned him in favour of spending time with the blossoming chests of the girls. The girls shunned him because they said he was gross. Even the school nerd avoided being seen with Yaxlich in case it ruined his credibility.
He was alone in the world with a special gift to share and nobody to share it with.
He became very withdrawn over the following months to the point that his mummy asked him what the problem was. In flood of tears Yaxlich told her that nobody wanted to speak to Farty McFart anymore and that he didnt have any friends. His mummy explained that not everybody found farting as clever as he did and suggested that perhaps it might be a better idea to try to hold them in in future. Reluctantly Yaxlich agreed to only use his gift on special occasions and went back to school on the Monday with the intention of rebuilding his fragile confidence and making new friends without resorting to farting.
It wasnt easy but over the next couple of years people eventually forgot about Farty McFart and he had a relatively happy time at school. He played cricket, was top of the class in maths, made new friends and even had a couple of girlfriends but, somehow, it wasnt quite the same.
Yaxlich left school and went to work in a furniture shop. It was through one of his work colleagues that he met his first proper girlfriend at a party. He has always been shy around girls so didnt realise at first that she even liked him. He just thought that she was being polite and only came to talk to him because he was on his own standing in the kitchen reading the shopping list on the fridge. After a while she suggested that a walk in the garden would be nice so Yaxlich followed her outside and then she said the words that even now he can recall as if it were yesterday.
God, that party is dull. I know how to liven it up! Pull my finger!
His heart missed a beat, he began to sweat and with trembling hands he reached out, clasped her outstretched index finger and gave it a squeeze. The resulting sound was like a choir of heavenly angels to his ears.
Yaxlich started going out with the girl shortly after (about 2 minutes) and within a couple of weeks was invited to meet her parents. He had never met a girlfriends parents before and was a little bit nervous but she reassured him saying Youll get on just fine with my dad and, sure enough, before the evening was out, Yaxlich found himself lying on the floor of the kitchen next to her dad with a box of matches between them trying to see who keep a flame going the longest.
Yaxlich used to love going round for meals because her mum always cooked food which was conducive to creating gas, not that he needed any such excuse. Chilli, curry, sprouts, cauliflower, onions, cabbage, eggs, beans. Everyone would sit down after dinner, watch a bit of TV and just let rip. There would be competitions to see who could fart the longest, loudest, smelliest or hit the highest pitch (her dad once did one that only the next door neighbours dog could hear). Christmas at her parents was an absolute blast. Literally.
Yaxlich spent the next four years of his life with this girl and her farting family and he can honestly say that they were some of the happiest days of his life. Eventually, though, she went off to university and long distance relationships never last so it was decided that it would be better to split up.
That was fifteen years ago. Since then Yaxlich has had other girlfriends but none of them have quite understood his special powers. Some have tried to live with it whilst others have found the whole business of dating someone with such a unique gift intolerable. Yaxlich firmly believes that a good old flumping of the duvet after a renegade raspberry has slipped out is part of the whole courtship process. It is something to be encouraged. Sharing your poo particles with someone you love should be a special moment, not something to be dismissed with a wave of the hand and cries of You filthy bastard, pardon his French.
Yaxlich thinks that a lot of women dont recognise farting as the true token of love that it is. If your boyfriend or husband has taken the time and trouble to fart in front of you, the least you could do is applaud politely.