Youve got spam!*

Flicking my eyes to the tabs at the top of the browser window, I notice that the inbox information has flicked from (200) unread emails to (201).

I havent a clue what the 200 unread emails are, just that thats been the regular number of emails that have been in the inbox as long as I can remember, and whenever that changes, I get confused. So I keep it at 200 unread emails. It makes sense to me, shut up. Just know that if things change to much, if that changes too, the level of confusion really really negates any positive effect of clearing out the inbox. Change confuses.

Unless it is change by degrees of one, and in an upward direction. If it does that, then Im happy. Ive got mail.

Mail means one of several things, either:
– A new comment has been posted on my blog from a nice person who has read something and wants to comment on it.
– A friend has sent a lovely email saying lovely things because they are lovely.
– A previously unheard of distant relative and employee of a large and obscurely named bank has died in an unfortunate yachting accident off the coast of West Africa and their lawyer, MR ALPHONSE DEAR QC wishes to deposit large sums in my bank account if only Id be good enough to give me my account details. And pin number. I tell you, the amount of family members Ive lost to the treacherous equatorial Atlantic of late – its a tragedy, I tell you.
– Ive got spam.

My comment system moderates every new commenter, so all the spam gets picked up through there – but I still have a look at what it is. My heart sinks at the bestial and the violent, and becomes merely curious at the desperate indirect marketing measures of toothpaste manufacturers and bicycle salesmen.

Generally it is the same old thing – a pile of links, or a meaningless quote. But occasionally something different will come, and the workings of the Spamfucker mind will amaze me all over again.

Soemtimes a deep and meaningful quote, which, like a horoscope, says something actually relevant quite by accident. Most often it will be an off the cuff compliment. Hey! Nice site! (0r of course, more often, Hey! Nice site v**gra v**gra v**gra v**gra v**gra v**gra)

I choose to take these as compliments all the same. Yes, I think, it IS a nice site thank you for mentioning it, I mumble as I delete the comments and block the commenter. Thank you for dropping by and pointing out that I have a nice site, now please piss off and peddle your painful porn elsewhere. But, you know, thanks for liking what Im trying to do here.

I realise its a non-sentient robot thats roaming the interweb and leaving notes about loving my work, but a compliment is a compliment, and would be churlish not to take the props where you can.

They seem to know that I like this, however, because of late, I have noticed a whole new kind of spam comments.

They seem to be actually reading it. Apparently tiring of sending out robots to love my work for them, the Spamfucks themselves have learnt to read. Either that or theyve got better computers than the pentagon. Or the pentagon are spamming me, under the name dog socks.

The name on the comment will be dog socks. Or something like. outdoor motors. not quite legal. spamzidrine. But the comment will be at least 50 words long, and replate directly to the post.

It a funny thing, ladybirds, that happened to me once. I thought that we were getting an infestation once, but then they all disappeared as suddenly as they had arrived. Great blog, by the way!- dog socks

And the url will be dogsocks.com, and then email equally spamesque, and the first time I looked at one of these, I tried to work out what to do with it.

Delete? well theyd bothered to read my post and form an opinion, surely to delete would be rude, even though they were, frankly, using my site for nefarious marketing reasons, it seemed wrong to delete their heartfelt comment-missive completely.

So I changed the url. From their carefully google-prepped commercial venture url to, oh, I dont know, imaspammyspammybastard.com, usually.

And with that, I click approve, and revel in my blogs high-standing in the Spamfuck community. Without actually sending them any traffic. Obv.

I dont care who you are – if youre a blogger, you take the nice comments wherever you can get them.

[wanders off, suddenly realising that imaspammyspammybastard.com is probably actually already registered to a dog sock/fisting site whom I have been inadvertently blessing with much google ranking. Hm. If not – wonders: is it available?]

* Not actually looking for advice on spam filters, but thank you for thinking of giving me it anyway.