Playing with LEGO: The first three Star Wars movies – a review

I have not actually seen the first three Star Wars movies – (by which I mean the ones that were made most recently but were, apparently, the preludes to the ones made ages ago with that bloke with his head in the bucket and the little bug-eyed blond in pyjamas who couldnt act).

Ive seen the first two of the actually-first three Star Wars movies (by which I mean the ones mentioned above that were made first but consecutively plot-wise set later), and will admit to liking the middle one with the green Muppet (not Kermit) the most, or at least a large amount more than I enjoyed the first one (fourth one?) with the swingtop bin and Carrie Fisher on clearly far too many drugs.

Though to be honest, I wasnt that hot on any of them – obviously, or I would have bothered to watch the third one. With the evil teddybears in.

I realise, of course, accusations could be levelled (dear reader) of my intentionally trying to put the wind up geeks, but come now – would I do that?! *Flutters eyelashes*

Oooh, heres a fun game!

You know, a few years ago, I saw an artwork by a woman who simply wrote down the history of the world as she remembered it, with only the bits she remembered included, and no reference to anything else allowed. I thought this was a good idea. I will try and tell the story of the Star Wars films I HAVE seen, from memory, bearing in mind Ive only seen them once about 12 years ago. And have an appalling memory


So. Theres a bug-eyed blonde kid in the desert, and hes hanging out in his crib with his friend, a gay robot.

Suddenly – a swingtop bin appears! He opens his mouth, and spewing forth comes an image of Carrie Fisher, bending over. The blonde kid watches as Carrie Fisher bends over, over, and over again. She has clearly taken too many drugs.

The robots go walking through the desert and are shot at by small angry creatures that may (or may not) be Orks. They are kidnapped into slavery, I think. At some point, Indiana Jones appears with a large retarded bear, and together they pick up the bug-eyed bad-actor-boy, the swingtop bin and the gay robot, and save Carrie Fisher, who has taken too many drugs.

At some point during this, we are introduced to the asthmatic man with his head in a bucket with Issues.

His name is Darth Vader, and he is angry with the world to the point that hes never managed to quite move out of his goth-phase. He can kill people by waving at them.

Darth is Lukes father. Luke is the bug-eyed kid who cant act. Its all coming back to me now, apart from the script, luckily, because its terrible.

There is a green Muppet who talks just like Frank Oz and teaches Luke to use the Force which is basically some kind of telekinetic parlour trick. He also teaches Luke to throw an apple in the air and cut it into slices. I think. Or that was the opening titles of classic eighties cartoon Dogtanian. Whatever. Similar things.

Later, Carrie Fisher in a bikini gets molested by a large pile of mucus, and Indiana Jones is dropped into concrete – a condition which I am to understand he makes a full recovery from later, possibly with the help of some teddy bears who may or may not be related to his pet (mentioned previously).

Lukes asthma-dad with the bucketface and Issues gets very cross, and chops something off Luke – Im thinking a hand. Whether this is punishment meted out for the not-acting-good thing I may never know.

Some other stuff happens.


I may do that more often. Films from memory. It should be a thing.

Anyway, that was never going to be the point of this post. The point of this post was going to be the fact that I spent an enormous amount of last week playing Lego Star Wars on the PS2 – its based on the other (most recent) three movies that I havent seen at all, rather than the ones detailed above that Ive clearly spent a lot of time and energy focussing on.

My point was going to be just that it was a good game, albeit one for 3 years old and up, which is frankly around my level of game. Its lots of running around and collecting things.

It is very good, and apparently based very closely on the movies, although I clearly wouldnt know.

Although the game itself is quite short, there is much fun to be had in freeplay mode, in which you get to choose to be any character you like, also based exactly on all the characters in the film.

I particularly like the cute little goth with the red face and the two-ended glowstick. Oh, and the funny-looking rabbit they pick up on Naboooooo (which is a planet).

Anyway, that was what this post was going to say, before I got led off describing films from memory, which has frankly amused me so much that there isnt any more room for anything else.

Now Im trying to think of other films I can describe from memory.

Maybe the Godfather Trilogy.