Suddenly late on a Thursday night, the incredible news is broken to me that in The List (I dont know WHAT this list is exactly, though I think it might be composed by some people who work in marketing or something) my blog is listed as one of the UKs most influential blogs of all the blogs in blogland!!!
This is excellent news!
I am influential!
I think quickly. I certainly do not FEEL influential. I cannot influence Jimmy the Freelancer on the desk next door to pick me up a sausage sandwich (while he is in the canteen anyway!).
I cannot influence the trains to be on time, or the price of nice cheese to substantially reduce.
Thinking more, I am deluged by memories of situations in which I am probably the least influential person I have ever met. And even if I did meet me, that would be quite an influential type thing to do, meaning that I made the me I met even less influential than the me I already am.
Im not entirely sure I could be less influential if I tried.
When I stand in a shop, I cannot influence the sales assistants into understanding that No, Im fine thanks means Oh Please piss off: You even make this clothes rail look fat, let alone the trousers I am about to pick up, please PLEASE just piss off, will you?.
I cant influence my fringe to lie flat. I cant influence bolognese sauce not to drop on my vest. Im not sure I should count among any kind of list of influential
But this isnt about me, is it? This is, apparenly, about my blog. It is The Blog, that is influential. That is what I hadnt thought through.
So all I need to do, is write some words on the blog. Maybe in big letters, though for now, caps and bold will have to do, so I CAN, instead of simply (as I HAVE previously) for A SAUSAGE SANDWICH PLEASE, I simply show Jimmy something on my screen, accidentally exposing him to this page for a matter of split seconds, and lo! I will have influenced myself into sweet sausage-Shangri La.
Instead of simply grumping that the TRAIN isnt running ON TIME, I simply have to wave my laptop bag vaguely in the direction of the drivers cab, and lo! Magically we will pull into my desired station IMMEDIATELY.
If, dealing with PISSing annoying sales assistants OF Female (v thin) bent, I just need to flap my laptop lid in their general direction, and they will magically disappear.
It is wonderful news.
I never realised the benefits of being influential, the feeling of being influential, or, in fact, that such a minutea-centred site could be considered influential by anyone of marketing bent, or in fact anyone at all, ever.
Hell, guys; this is front page news indeed – when we talk about the fact We Ate a Cheese Sandwich for lunch today, People Listen.
THATs how influential we are.
[Oh, and of course initial style stolen from Another Influential Blogger. Though one further down on the list. I dont think you can steal from people above you on the list. I think you get kneecapped by the Technorstasi.]
I dont really like lists.