Process

I sit on the train each day, eyes flickering on lives we speed past, ears plugged with litte white music-buds. Little monologues run through my head. Thoughts run in coherent lines, occasionally stringing into workable ideas, usually leaping from worry to daydream, to anxiety, to flicker of fantasy, to little work panic, moment more of daydream, sudden remembrance of something silly and a small outward smile.

My concentration span is short, but the monologues are long.

Sometimes they run in loops, and I cover the same ground again and again and again until theyre formed into sentences, paragraphs. I do this when I have freelance work, things to write, digesting, gestating almost every line inside my head and then spewing the thoughts out onto the screen in one frantic burst the night before deadline.

If I dont have commissioned work, the monologues are less focused, wrapping together all the worries, the daydreams; all the things I hear, see around me; everything that flickers through my field of observance. My concentration span is small, but my world is wide. It feels like knitting, it feels like patchwork, but with ideas, words, impulses, sense. Gags. The ideas become little red boats or emails – but almost always boats.

I like being on the train. On the train I am perfectly at liberty to be alone, talking and talking and talking, inside my head.

Ive always spent time in here, at school, at home, in jobs, in church, in serious, grown up situations, I was always getting told off for mentally wandering away when I was supposed to be concentrating on On On something. Maths, probably. Ive not needed it since. But the long hours of training, doing circuits inside my head? Well Ive used that. So that was clearly a better priority.

This blog, I suppose, is the closest thing to the inside of my brain I have in the real world. I can wander around in here, thinking out loud, just the same. I never thought this would work so well, get me so much; so far; so close to other people.

Thank you for dropping in, no matter how often or with what level of enjoyment you do. Its nice to have you here.

This post was supposed to be going somewhere else.

Ill go and write that, instead.