Deaths warm duck

These arent words youll hear me say often, so enjoy them: I was a bit wrong.

I was wrong (a bit).

When I said I seem to be better, or something like that, I was wrong. Well, no, to be fair to myself, I was right at the time, as is generally the case: it was only later that I turned wrong, when my throat suddenly blew up to the size of the moon, I started sicking once more, and my stomach waged war on the rest of me, and the rest of the world.

I am listless, I am grumpy, I havent been able to go to the gym for a WEEK – and you know what? That doesnt Matter, because Im blowed if I can eat Anything Whatsoever, and whats more, Ive had more than enough exercise running up and down the stairs to the bathroom every forteen minutes. Too much information? Yeah? Well you try BEING me – then youll know what Too-Much-Poxy-Information is.

Go to the doctor, you whining bastard, I hear you say.

Yes, well, I tried that, thank you; stop swearing at me you unsympathetic fucktards. I phoned the doctors surgery when it opened, couldnt get through for two and a half minutes and then, when I could, discovered all the appointments for the day were gone. This incredible system has been put in place to stop people missing appointments, apparently.

Although they may not have noticed that people are now missing appointments because they are sadly a bit dead by the time they could get one.

Sitting around, moping in front of musicals between stomach cramps, I have been trying to think of something to do. I have already filled half the day diagnosing myself via google (I have appendicitis, diptheria, ectopic pregnancy, malaria and smallpox to date, do check back later in case I and Dr Google have discovered I have anything else).

There must be something constructive I can do.

See, I always hoped someone would hand over the rulebook of What life is Actually like when I was 18, and they never did. Then I thought I might get it when I was 21, didnt show up. 25? No book. So Ive just realised that, since Im coming up to Thirty in just over 6 months and it isnt showing up on Amazon, Im going to have to write it. So Thats what Im going to do this afternoon. Im going to write The Instruction Manual for Life and How to Live the Damn Thing by Deaths Warm Duck.

Just as soon as Im able to straighten up again.

And once Ive come back from the toilet, obv.

Also, I have TWO zits.

Thats not a very good payoff, sorry.

Neither was that.

Ill die, and then youll be sorry.