Tat like you wouldnt believe

See, I was always a big fan of the Innovations catalogue. Well, that and anything like it, really – either the thin, glossy catalogue itself, falling straight out of the Sunday paper and, usually, straight into the bin, or, if thats already gone, the ridiculous adverts you can find in the supplements themselves.

The worse the paper, the better the adverts, in the latter case; Pope clocks, Heartbreak Hotel themed tankards, musical faberge-style egg/jewellery boxes that play Take That songs, ornamental plates with scenes from the Coca-Cola cup final 1995 handpainted on – all those things you never knew you wanted. But there must be a market for them, right? Because otherwise they wouldnt sell them.

So yeah – you may not personally want a humane spider catcher or inhumane spider gas-chamber, or an attachment that means you can clip a pen onto the side of your glasses for when you want to write a note in the margin but need both hands to hold the book – but you know what? Someone else does.

Which was why I was so glad to see a crapalogue that had dropped out of one of the Sunday papers at work. It was just lying around. No one wanted it. Philistines.

Bright ideas, it was called – and was full of them. The Slipper that you can wear outside! proclaimed one item. Um – thats called a shoe, isnt it? And a whole page devoted to incontinence products. Big red jolly letters, proclaiming For when the bathrooms just that little bit too far away! next to a portable she-wee. Or he-wee. Or free-wee. Or we-wee. I dont know, it was one of the genders in one of the tenses. For those of any gender who find tensing things a problem. Or something. Theres also the Ooh-poo!, of course. Which, fittingly I think, sounds that little bit more panicky. Yes, I know, its not funny.

But it kind of is.

Anyway. My favourite thing by far? Why, its the only thing I cannot see any reason for anyone wanting, EVER.


Thats right, its a polyresin (?) (plastic?) FACE, that you can stick onto a TREE of your choice.

Now tell me – if you were walking in the park, or the woods, or your garden, happily tramping through the undergrowth and you suddenly came across that, then frankly, is there not a chance that you may well soil yourself (pun entirely intended, thangyooverymuch)?

Is there not a chance, ladies and gentlemen, that you might perhaps, lose control? Perhaps, you know, unclench?

Because if you would, dont worry – thats right; just in case you happen to be just that little bit too far from the bathroom and happen upon a treeface, let me present you with your stunning complimentary gift; a two ended, dual-purpose container, heat-preserving flask at one end, medically sealed funnel-jar at the other. Yes. Its the Tea-Wee.