Is that one?
No, Anna
What about her? Is she one?
But shes loitering!
At the bus stop. Generally loitering at the bus stop is known as waiting for the bus
In a miniskirt?
Yes, even in a miniskirt.
Oh. OOOH! Is that one?!

My beloved is wary of travelling through Kings Cross with me now. Also Soho. We are talking about going on a citybreak sometime – but somehow he seems unkeen on Amsterdam.

See, I dont know whether it is because I am extremely sheltered, extremely curious or just extremely dull, but I do have a weakness for prostitute-spotting.

I dont want to be one, or meet one, or have any particular communication or relations with one, its just fun to spot them. Well, I was brought up in the city. We dont have many exotic birds. You take the hobbies you can get.

I still dont think Ive ever seen one in London – I think I heard one, once – I was crossing the road at Kings Cross at quarter past seven in the morning, and I heard someone ask a man behind me if he was looking for some action. I was tired, and groggy, but by the time I realised what Id just heard and turned around, all I could see was the corner of a tatty fake fur disappearing into McDonalds. That, in the guidebook Im thinking of producing, would be a McDonaho, and probably worth 4 points – maybe even less because of the location.

See, I didnt realise that this was a general hobby, I just thought it was the producof my sheltered upbringing. Not slowly, I have begin to realise there are other slapper-twitchers out there. and I didnt realise this in a subtle way either. I realised this when I opened an email from a friend, stating that New York was GREAT! I saw a Prostitute!;
In Nice, last week, my demure travelling companion was more interested in asking my interviewees about the habits of the mafia and the location of the red light zone than where the best fish stew was served or the best sightseeing tips for the budget traveller.

Then again, maybe the location of the red light district IS one of the best sightseeing tips for the budget traveller – as long as youre just twitching (tit-ching?) and not actually expending money on the exercise, its a very cheap hobby. Well, cheap once youve bought our brand-new tick-box, pocket-sized guidebook!!!

Yes, clearly short of publishable ideas, Im thinking of producing a tick-box pocket-sized guidebook. Itll be called EYE-SPY-HO!!! Prossie-spotting for all the family! And itll be split into various sections, like location – youll get one point for spotting a lady of the night in the red light district of Amsterdam, for example, and maybe thirty or so for one in Vatican City (they dont have them in Vatican City, they have altar boys, which are similar, except they wear longer skirts, and you dont have to pay them until much, much later).

There will be special pages for minigames of street-walker bingo and prostidoku.

Then there will be different points for various kind of drugs your spotted minge-marketeer might be on, and many, many different categories of clothes – fur coat and no knickers 10pts, gorilla outfit 750 – , points for ladyboys, and more points the less convincing they are. For an elderly ho, the points increase by decade, but there are no benefits gained for youth, bruising or the presence of hooker kiddies hiding in the bushes, because that would simply be very wrong and bad and disrespectful of both the trade of the sex worker, and, in fact, of humanity itself. Oh, no, hang on



And that, dear reader, is the point where I stopped typing – fingers passed out from painkillers which were so powerful I lost my point entirely and sang Hooked on a feeling in a wobbly voice until falling fast asleep four minutes later. Or fast asleep until the toothache raged back at 3am and kept me awake until dawn. Still. It was a great idea while it lasted. Well kind of. I was very convinced by it, anyway. Maybe itll come back to me

And look out for the paypal-tooth-fairy-fund-button appearing here soon. Serious.