Past present imperfect

Yes, I know, Im being quiet, and I have to admit its because Im blogging in 2003 again. Its the old, dull, dull tale of me going through my archives, adding headings, categories and finding things that I frankly have NO memory of whatsoever.

Such as this, for example, from October 2003 which seems to have been the collaborative result of a rather stupid conversation with my lovely seester.

For anyone too Sunday-ish to bother clicking on that link, here it is again:


Just when you thought it was safe to open the cheesebox

Clear and Present Grater: in which Harrison Ford plays a rugged FBI agent investigating whether the illegal smuggling of Monterrey Jack from South America is enough of a justification to bomb them all to smithereens.

The Silence of the Edams: a young FBI agent becomes the strange confidante of a psychotic cheesemaker, as she tries to solve her first major case.

Brie Willy: The frantic search of a small boy to find a fridge big enough for his cheese-sculpture killer whale before it goes all runny.

Or it could alternatively be a different film. A film a lot more icky.

Wensleydale Loves A Woman: a crumbly cheese addict confronts her inner demons and goes into rehab, while trying to make her family understand.

My Left Feta; Coming to terms with a life of being made out of cheese, Daniel Day Lewis discovers that – when cubed – his left leg, made out of pourous goat product, is simply delicious with olives and vine tomatoes.

With a sprinkling of olive oil.

Return of the Cheddar: After a large meal including cheese and fruit courses, several interstellar heros feel quite nauseous when their spaceship gets hit by the dark forces of indigestion.


Return of the Cheddar: In a distant corner of the fridge, far, far away, a long-forgotten cellophane-wrapped lump of hard Irish mature is planning a comeback.

The Unbearable Lightness of Boursin: Set in Prague, this film focuses on the existential struggle of a sexually confused dairy-lover and his various conquests.

The Edambusters: World War II epic following the fates of plucky Tommy fliers on dangerous sorties over germany, dropping specially designed round wax covered strong cheese, which bounced on water.

Whatever happened to Babybel? ; Trouble strikes a student house.

East of Edam: Lovers roll around in red wax.

The Brie over the River Kwai: Plucky soldiers struggle to construct a crossing over a dangerous river in the middle of a tropical rainforest. This proves difficult because its quite warm and their main building material keeps going runny.

The Roules of attraction; comedy in which a zany professor discovers the link between smearing soft cheese on body parts and sexual drive. With hilarious consequences

The Bridges of Parmesan County: Soppy grey-love flick in which Meryl Streep has an affair with a passing cheese peddlar.

Halloumiraiser; horror in which a man with soft, salty cheese for a head develops a career as a party entertainer by sticking kebab squewers in his bonce and slowly grilling his face over the barbeque.

Betty Danish Blue: Woman with impenetrable accent has sex a lot and smells fairly bad.

The Mozzarella Coast; A young River Phoenix and Family escape from baddies, but escape really really slowly, seeing as how their feet keep becoming attached to the ground with tasty elastic yellow strings.

Danish Blue Velvet: In a small sleepy town, a man finds an ear on the ground made of slightly mouldy curd.

Philadelphia; Oscar winning story of gay people and lawyers united by eating soft cheese in the face of those who would rather not allow them to do so.

[You can check out more of Oct 2003 if you like. Its incredible how much more productive a girl can be when shes and unemployed and reasonably unselfcensored. Its more fun in the past, anyway. All the cool kids hang out there. Well, the cool kids and old people with degenerative brain diseases. Whatever. Very similar]