Thanks. Thanks a fuckbunch.

Dear fancy internet food shopping delivery people.
I have a complaint. Nono, I got my food just fine. Nono, it’s all there, thanks, and more besides. It’s more the free gift I have a complaint about.

Nonono, it’s lovely, thanks but. But. But, did you notice the rest of my shopping?

The rest of my shopping – the stuff I actually ordered out of choice, from you, an internet food shopping delivery people site, because that way I don’t get distracted and impulse shop, or buy stupid things –

– Thus the rest of my shopping, you may have noticed, mainly comprised of: Fresh and frozen vegetables, fruit, skinless chicken breasts, oily fish, other fish, brown rice, wholewheat pasta, low fat soups, multigrain bread and crispbread, skimmed milk and greek yoghurt (0% fat) and more vegetables.

There are other components, of course, but the overwhelming feeling you would have got, had you looked at the shopping I ordered from you and you sent me, would have been the shopping of two people desperate- DESPERATE, I tell you – not to overindulge.

Your gift, meanwhile, thanks, is A Large Box of The Most Indulgent Belgian Chocolates In the World.

Thanks. Thanks a fuckbunch.

I notice that our devout muslim neighbours got a delivery last night. I will see if they have a nice shiny free gift to swap with ours. Maybe you gifted them with some bacon. Or a bottle of wine or something.

Anyway, sterling work, keep it up.

You bastards.