The Monday News

Well, it was good to see that they finally managed to disarm that ‘whale‘ on Saturday. It was all really quite scary there for a while. Trojan Whales such as these – splinter whales from terror pods – are a terrifying new development, and we should be on our guard.

Imagine if those secret agents dressed as marine biologists had failed in their dangerous task of keeping the thing away from the shores of the Thames, and it had actually managed to land. We could all have been blown to pieces. And covered in bits of whale. Which would have been simultaniously both tragic and icky.

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My word of the day is ‘Frotting’. I have attempted to inject it into most of the conversations I have had this morning, but am having difficulty slipping it in with any degree of subtlety.

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There is a funny-looking bird hanging around in the garden of the house next door. I don’t mean a young woman with unfortunate and unusual facial wrongity, by the way. I mean the feathery kind. More on this later.

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I have been shortlisted for the bloody bloggies!!! Fuck ME!

Hello. If you are new, and here finding out if I am, indeed, the best blog in Britain, then hello. I’m afraid I can’t help you, because I don’t know, but it is nice to have you here, welcome etc.

There is an ‘I feel Boaty!’ button on the sidebar, (along with a bunch of regular archive things), that will take you to a random post. Please excuse me if the first few returns simply read ‘I have a hangover, ow’. You may find something worth reading eventually.

If you are not new around here, hello. Two things for you. Please vote for me. Please. I don’t have much of a chance against the competition, who are all very big, and very good, and all contain winning content like cartoons and buses and important London things and frotting, so you will need to vote for me, if that is alright, for me to have a vague look-in.

You could vote for me several times, maybe. That would be wrong, and bad, and cheating, obviously – but conversely also good, and right, and pleasing, in a way. In a bad way, obviously. But in a bad way that feels kind of good, no?

Also, thing two, if you have ever read anything on here that you have enjoyed, can you drop me a note in the comment box to tell me what it was vaguely about, or a link, if you can be keffed? I might put a link to some favourite posts on the side, you see. Because I am a big competitive whore.

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I was disappointed to discover, when opening the cupboard this morning, that I had eaten all the Special K bars. I was annoyed, several hours later, to discover that I had an unshiftable earworm stuck in my head. It was “Gay Bar” by Electric Six.

Except it wasn’t. Because I’d somehow managed to change the words to “Damn! I’ve eaten all the Special K bars! I’ve Eaten all the Special K bars! I’ve eaten all the Special K bars, K bars, K bars!” in the process of the morning.

It will not go away.

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Other than that, the day is pleasantly Mondayish.

Sorry – that sentence makes no sense.

The day is Mondayish. No Monday is pleasant.