Sometimes I get into a mood where I worry.
Sometimes I make myself worry, and there is actually nothing to worry about.
Sometimes there is something to worry about, but I cover it up with worrying about other things instead.
It is usually not something most people would worry about, and the incredible chain reaction of things are definitely things that most people would not worry about.
On these kind of occasions, I only have to think of one thing – one quite simple thing – to worry about, and, within minutes – much quicker, actually – the worry will have branched and branched again and sub-divided in my head until it is a very big, very complex worry that is much more difficult to pin down and therefore stop. It suddenly goes from being a block of lard of worry, that one could pick up and put outside the door or something, to an infestation of ants of worry, which, though you step on one, keep appearing and multiplying, seemingly unstoppable.
It is – hang on, some professional type person told me a word for it once. Something like disasterising.
That is in no way a word. But it was something like that.
So from one keyword, one key worry, everything divides and sub-divides – within seconds – quicker and quicker until you can no longer keep any kind of a handle on it at all. Or I can’t, anyway.
Or something like that.
Or, in fact, something like this…
Email: Beloved to Anna
Coming home soon. Everything ok?
Email: Anna to beloved
A bit worried about holiday.
Email: Beloved to anna
Email: Anna to beloved
a) everything’s going to go wrong and
b) I’m going to look horrid in a swimsuit and
c) my swimsuit hasn’t arrived yet, the one from canada I actually like and
d) I don’t know whether to tip the driver who takes us from the airport and
e) I don’t know how we find the driver at the airport and
f) what if he’s not there and
g) I don’t know whether we’ll be able to upgrade rooms and
h) if were are able to I don’t know how
i) if we figure out how then I don’t know whether it’s after we’ve seen the first room and
j) I imagine it is so then the bell boy would probably carry our bags to the new room and then
k) I don’t know whether we’d tip him again and
l) if so I don’t know whether we’d tip him equal amount to the first time we tipped him and
m) what if we didn’t have enough change, what with the driver and everything if we
n) tipped the driver or
o) even HAD a driver at all.
p) And what if I get over tired before we go on holiday and just spend all my time ill because I’m over tired and
q) what if everyone there is very rich and dresses up for dinner and I haven’t brought the right clothes or the right shoes, and
r) what if everyone is thin and looks at me in my swimming costume and laughs or
s) even worse feels sick, and
t) what if we have an argument or
u) don’t get on or
v) have nothing to say to each other or
w) if you get bored and I don’t or
x) I get bored and you don’t or
y) the food is horrible or
z) there are hawkers and they are pushy and I get embarrassed and ashamed and give them all my money or
z) what if we run out of money or
z) the food is much more expensive than we think or
z) the other guests are horrible to us and
z) what if the flight is horrible and
z) the seats are too small for big arses and
z) what if I get DVT or
z) you do and
z) what if it’s the wrong choice,
z) the wrong hotel
z) the wrong country
z) what if it’s still raining
z) what if it doesn’t stop raining
z) what if I get toothache
z) what if you get ill?
z) what if you spend too much time with me and decide you don’t want to be with me any more
z) we might get burgled while we’re away
z) we might get mice while we’re away
z) the bed is not comfortable or
z) my camera gets wet
z) we have no balcony or
z) no view or
z) the sun never hits the balcony or
z) I get spots on my back or
z) there are bitey lizards or
z) something happens here and
z) everyone gets cross with me while we’re away or
z) someone gets hurt and they don’t know how to find us or
z) Everyone looks nice in swimming costumes or
z) is very rich and
z) tanned and
z) thin or
z) everyone reserves the sunloungers so there is never anywhere to sit by the pool and
z) we have to spend the whole time in our room and
z) our room is horrible
I am also worrying about quite a lot of other things
but I have to go and start chopping the vegetables now.
I may have just set myself off again.
Which is fine, I probably have a couple more days of this before it eases a bit.
But it will, once I put a stop to the silly catastrophising, as weirdly satisfying as it may be. It will calm down.
We still have almost two weeks before holiday and everything.
And, somewhere in here, I know it’s all going to be fine, and that only 79% of the things I think will go wrong will actually go wrong. Or, you know, maybe 78% or something.
Bitey lizards indeed.
Now bedtime. Bed time. Time to go to bed
and worry about this post.