I can’t be doing with them anymore. It isn’t anything specific about them, it’s just the Mondayness of them. It’s wrong.

We must formulate a plan. We must do something about this horror, before it is too late (i.e next Monday). We must be proactive. We must formulate a plan.

Plan a: We will erase Mondays. No more Mondays at all. Monday? What is this Monday you speak of? From henceforth, weeks will skip merrily from Sunday over to Tuesday. This will, of course, make weeks only six days long, meaning it’s Christmas in no time at all! Gosh, this is the best plan ever. However. Tuesdays will simply become the new Monday, and we can’t erase Tuesdays as well, because CSI’s usually on on a Tuesday. We will think of a different plan.

Plan b: We will rename Monday: ‘Sunday’. While it is true that we could, essentially, give it an entirely different name, like ‘Pootleday’, this may, controversially, not improve matters. Calling it ‘Sunday’, however, would fool simply everyone into believing that it was not a different day at all, but simply the same one as the one before, but different. And better. Though I have to feel for children like myself, dragged to church in creaky shoes every week. They would have to go twice. Inhuman cruelty. Also – pubs shut early. New plan.

Plan c: We will sleep through Monday.

Plan d: We will shoot everyone. No, hang on, that is unrealistic, and also out of character. We will write a song about not liking Mondays (and shooting people), have a one-off hit with it, have big hair, chain of events etc, save Africa. Everyone will love us, world leaders will listen to us, and we will make demands of them. Eventually, because we are unrelenting and have a voice like nails against a blackboard, they will capitulate, and Make Mondays History.

Plan e: We will develop a special Monday drug. It will be a mixture of E, Speed, and Tea. We will call it ‘TEEEEEEE!’. We will be convicted for drug invention, and go to prison, but only on Mondays – a punishment related to and fitting of our crime. In prison, they will love us, because there is a healthy class A drug culture there. They will laud us as the inventors of ‘TEEEEEEE!’, and treat us as Gods.

Plan f: We will stop hating Mondays. I have no idea how this happens. But I suspect it might involve treats. Like Amazon treats. Or restaurant treats. Or other treats. I also suspect it is not possible.

Plan g: We will copy and paste all Mondays into a seperate file. We will work out the amount of Mondays you normally accrue over 52 weeks (52, generally), and we will make it allowable to carry your full compliment of Mondays over to the next financial year. That way, upon retirement, you can chose whether you want to a) take all your Mondays at once or b) just die early thank you very much.

Plan h: We will make ignore Mondays. Snub them. To hell with Mondays. We will maintain a stony silence toward Mondays. Mondays will be sorry they ever Mondayed us.

I am going to sleep now. Going to sleep will make the Monday go away.

And then there will be no more bad Mondays. For we have made a plan.

But, until the plan is actioned, there is still some Monday stretched out behind and ahead of me.

Going to sleep will make the Monday go away.