From the desk of a food-noise-phobic.

“Does the sound of 3,255 people biting into apples count as music?”
No, it counts as the seventh layer of hell and/or a violent reminder of

a) my bus this morning and
b) my colleague Tom.

I hate the noise of apples being eaten. Many will know this by now. Many who’ve eaten an apple near me know it for sure. I hate the noise. Hate it hate it. I hate the snap as the teeth break through the skin, and then the large scraping, and tearing noise as they cut through the flesh. And then the endless, interminable open-mouthed ‘crunch crunch crunch crunch crunch crunch crunch crunch crunch crunch crunch crunch crunch’ as they work their way through that one, first bite. Followed ad nauseum/nausea by 500,000 more bites.

So a piece of music entirely composed of the noise of 3,255 people eating apples?

I am not entirely sure if I can think of anything worse.

Chewing my own legs off at the knees?

Not worse.

Being dropped into a giant tomato from a height?

Not worse.

One person eating 3,255 apples?

Possibly worse.

Gosh, that is possibly worse, I hadn’t thought of that. Ok. The very idea of the noise of 3,255 concurrent apples may be presently turning my stomach – it actually is – but 3,255 consecutive apples?

I can’t think of anything worse.

Anything. In the world.

Unless you start taking mice into consideration.

Oh, piss.

Ok, discounting anything to do with mice – although they’re not *that* much worse, I can’t think of anything worse.

I mean, I certainly can’t think of anything worse in the whole wide world, apart maybe from mice eating apples in my pillow, while I’m locked in a small airless bedroom with several people eating 3,255 consecutive apples, while some other mice run around and scuttle and stuff.

There is, surely, nothing worse then that. Surely nothing, nothing worse.

Oh god, I have to go and sit somewhere and stare. And maybe rock, gently.

Nothing worse. Nothing worse. Nothing worse.

If I go to hell – and I would consider it, if it existed, if only as a way of avoiding evangelicals (as if That would work), then the noise described above would be my ever-loopin soundtrack.

I’m sure yours would be different.

But not worse.

No. There’s nothing worse.