Men are from Suffolk, Women are from London

I was chatting to friend the other day – chatting meaning typed conversation via the medium of the interwebnet, you understand – when he mentioned that hed soon have to log off (to go away in old English) because his dear lady partner (girlfriend) was clearly declaring her intention of imminently distributing the edible means of facilitating meaningful quality couple-time, vocally asserting her feminine identity and right to free sceech, while simultaneously emphasising the corporate need for resposiblility in modern monogamous co-dependent relationships (shouting up the stairs that dinner was almost done and if he didnt come and set the table he could eat it off his sodding trousers, which was fine by her).

The thing he said, the thing that got me thinking, was that apparently sometimes this dinner is ready announcement was made meaning dinners going to be ready in 15 minutes and sometimes meant dinners ready this very second.

I pointed out that it might be useful to him to visit one of those websites where you can type in phrases and get them translated from language into language.
I told him someone had just developed a new translation engine that provided almost perfect male-female translation.

Of course, one problem with this – as hed already experienced – was that you could type the any phrase into the engine, request a female to male translation and it would give you what it meant. However, you would type it in fifteen times, and get fifteen different translations. Because thats just how it works. Sorry, son.

He asked me at which url he could find this incredible tool? I announced that I had made it all up. Who was the incredible tool now, eh?

At that moment, I decided that I *had* made it all up. I suddenly decided that nurturing the technical prowess to develop and market this translation engine would, eventually, make me my name and millions, and it was a matter of some urgency that I start to develop technical prowess as soon as possible.

Then I remembered that Im not terribly keen on technical prowess, and that I needed to go to the bathroom, and, remembering that, my flash of inspiration, my incredible invention slipped away from me, like wee, into the night.

I still dont think its a bad idea, though. It does of course have hte possiblility of turning into sub Why dogs are better than women style dross.

I still say that in the right hands it would work. I mean, if only one in five Male to Female queries resulted in a translation of Can we have sex now?, then I would think that was more than fair (if not overwhelmingly kind) to the male flavoured sex.

Still, lets give it a go. Ive set it to Male to Female. Here we go.

Query Submitted:
Single to Zone 3, please
Translation Returned:
Single to Zone 3.

Query Submitted:
Im on the train, Ill be home in five minutes. Is dinner on, darling?
Translation Returned:
Im having to sit rather too close to other men on the train, and I want to assert that Im Not Homosexual by talking to my WIFE. Im sitting VERY close, and Im a BIT sweaty, but Im NOT GAY. Is that clear?

Query Submitted:
Congratulations
Translation Returned:
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Query Submitted:
Does anyone want anything from the coffee machine?
Translation Returned:
Ive just farted

Query Submitted:
Dinner smells nice
Translation Returned:
Can we have sex now?

Query Submitted:
I was reading an interesting report today about the growth of the textile business sector in the Middle East
Translation Returned:
Can we have sex now?

Query Submitted:
Ive just farted
Translation Returned
Can we have sex now?

Seems fair.

And then, yes, Female to Male translations would have many similar things, some perhaps suggestions of confusion over the words Yes and No, some over-use of the Translation Return Could mean Anything, frankly. And possibly some allusion to marriage. Some points, of course, would remain the same. You cant escape the fact that the phrase Ive just farted signifies a heartfelt desire to do the wild thing in Any language. Doesnt it?

And then, of course, theres be a whole world of Male to Male and Female to Female translation, Id need help with these – which means employing a staff, obviously. And then you could move into the world of bisexual translation tools, but that just makes my head go all wibbly, so I suppose youd be safer to stick with a plain old relationship translator, or perhaps just a monolingual mutli human bean translation device. or something. Or perhaps just the relationship translator.

A relationship translator. Its a funny idea for about five minutes, until you realise that youre crossing the border into a world of obvious joke pain, and then it rather loses its sheen.

Still though. Maybe. When I have the technical ability, Ill develop it myself, market the idea, get backers through my contacts in the world of new media and make my millions. (Translation: Im thirsty. Have we got wine? I need to pack. Bored now. Where are my hair straighteners? I need a wee).