Another day, another ‘comedy’ email lands in the email box. I’m never quite sure what my friends think makes me laugh, but until today, I would have been willing to bet that not a single one of them would have thought ‘Hey! I know what’ll really tickle anna’s chortle-ducts… A list, right, of why dogs (which we all know she hates) are BETTER than WOMEN (of which she is one). Something written by a misogynist dog-lover – that’ll make her laugh, she’ll just Love it…’
And with one click, I was forwarded that very list, with the purposes, and nice ones they are too, of brightening my day. But it has not brightened my day. It has confused me. And, at the end of the day, made me a little cross. It’s the timing of this as much as anything. Dogs, I have to tell you, are not really the favoured biscuit around here right now. Or dog owners. Or dog owner, to be exact. I’ll tell you about that tomorrow.
In the meantime, here’s the list in full (in bold) with my comments added. Because, unlike dogs, women like to talk back. Sorry.
Dogs are better than women because…
Dogs don’t cry
Ok. Well, this one’s fair enough. Dogs don’t, to my knowledge, cry. They do bark though, don’t they? And quite loudly. And they whine. Women may whine (as do men with colds may) but do not, to the best of my experience, bark.
Dogs love it when your friends come over
Yes, well, because they can’t understand what you’re saying, dogs probably have no idea what a misogynist bunch of cocks you and your friends are. I like it when my beloved’s friends come over. because – coincidentally – my friends always seem to come over at the same time. Not that hard, being the same people and all.
Dogs think you’re a great singer
No, dogs lack the facility to tell you otherwise.
Dogs don’t mind if you use their shampoo
Sweetheart, if you want to use the dog’s shampoo, go right ahead. I don’t mind either. Oddball.
Dogs don’t expect you to call when you run late
This is true. Yes, dogs don’t expect you to call when you run late. I suppose they’ve become accustomed to that. Because they, unlike you, realised that picking up the phone wasn’t ever going to go that well. They don’t keep a bucket of opposable thumbs behind the sofa, you know.
The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you
Yes. Although that excited barking and bouncing around can so easily mean ‘I need a poo! I’ve already urinated twice in your shoes!’
Dogs will forgive you for playing around with other dogs
Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dogs name
But they probably won’t come if you do.
Dogs are excited by rough play
I really don’t want to be thinking what I’m thinking right now. I know you’re insinuating something about sex. And I so wish that it didn’t sound like you really quite fancied biffing the dog.
Dogs don’t mind if you give their offspring away
erm… Now, the points on the rest of this list seem like genuine problems that you have with the female flavour of the human species. Am I to understand from this that you think that women shouldn’t mind if you give their offspring away? Are you on crack?
Dogs understand that farts are funny
I thought that everyone understood that farts are funny. What kind of freaky women have you been dating?
Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair
Perhaps. But dogs don’t really have ‘excessive’ body hair, seeing as all their body hair is just body hair – it’s not excessive, or unnaturally virulent, it’s just hair, because they’re dogs and they’re hairy. If, however, dogs naturally came mostly smooth, with only selected hairy patches, then perhaps more of a fair comaprison can be made. Whatever lame attempt at comparison, Mr Comedy List Writer, your hairy bum is still horrid.
Dogs like it when you leave things on the floor
So they can chew them. Try it with all your pants, some important work documents and your ipod. Then we’ll talk about whether ‘women’ or ‘you and the dog’ have the better idea, shall we?
A dog’s disposition stays the same all month long
Yes. Unfortunately it doesn’t go out to work and earn the other half of the rent. It’s a swings and roundabouts kind of thing.
Dogs never need to examine the relationship
Because you feed them, take them for walks, have little desire to mate and make a monogomous sexual relationship with you (as much, it seems, as you might desire it…). And also because a) dogs can’t talk. And b) dogs can’t understand a word you’re saying. I’m sorry, it’s just true. When you ask them if you can have bum sex with them and they look like they’re happy, it’s because they think you might give them a chocolate treat. No pun intended.
Dogs parents never visit
Dogs love long car journeys
Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions
Dogs couldn’t ask for directions if they wanted to. Being, as they are, unable to talk. Also, I assume, you refer to asking directions while driving. So you’re suggesting that dogs would never think to ask directions when they were driving. Brilliant. Simply brilliant. Let us be clear. Dogs cannot talk, dogs cannot drive.
Dogs never criticise
Should we run over that ‘dogs can’t talk’ point again?
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across
They have ‘points’ you say? Interesting.
Dogs never expect gifts
Dogs don’t worry about germs
Dogs don’t want to know about every other dog you’ve ever had
Dogs don’t let magazine articles guide their lives
Aha. Here’s we’ve hit the old ‘dogs can’t read’ stumbleblock. Having covered ‘dogs can’t talk’ and ‘dogs can’t drive’, I was rather hoping we’d avoid this one. Sweetheart, I tell you this once. The main reason dogs don’t let magazine articles guide their life is because they’re too busy chewing the magazine to take in the content thoroughly. And also they can’t read.
Dogs would rather you bought them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one
Yes, but they’d probably prefer a prime cut of steak to a pot noodle, too.
Dogs don’t keep you waiting
So you love the dog, because the dog never keeps you waiting, but you also love the dog because the dog doesn’t mind when YOU keep IT waiting. I start to trust your assertion of being well-suited to idiot four-legged housepets unable to answer you back. I’m starting to think that you and Rover may be very happy together. Well, Rover may not be very happy, but what does that matter? Because, as previously discussed, Dogs Can’t Talk.
Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public
Yes, I see what you’re doing there. Double entendre. Very good. Taking into account that many women don’t mind ‘petting’ in public either, I would have to take the given point to a casual extreme. Dogs don’t mind if you shag them on the front lawn in a mid-afternoon heat-wave. I mean, seriously, sir, if you want to take the ‘heavy petting’ of your dog to it’s natural conclusion, preferring dogs to humans as you so obviously do, then go right ahead. Just not on my front lawn. If that’s ok.
Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk
The fact that anyone finds you amusing at all, good sir, is a revelation. I don’t think I’d find you amusing if you were able to fart the alphabet. Which given the arse-talking of this list-writing, actually, it seems that you are. Well done you. The next canine that finds you funny drunk, take her home and shag her on the front lawn. She’ll love it. And you’ll know that she loves it because she won’t tell you she doesn’t love it. The logic is impeccable.
New and exclusive, only on little red boat:
Why Spatulas are better than men.
1) You can take eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula.
2) Spatulas don’t write comedy lists.
I give up. No. I can’t do it, because it’s not all men I have a problem with, it’s one. This one. Oh, and the guy down our road with the dog. Two of them. But more about that later.