I was listening to the radio the other morning, and…

[You know if I was only slightly less disciplined, every single piece on this site would begin ‘I was listening to the radio the other morning…’ I’m very boring that way.]

And it was an extract from some book about an enormous duel in Medieval France, and it was really quite the dullest thing I’d ever heard, so I was only half listening, but all of a sudden, in the middle of talk about some kind of town, or something, I am absolutely sure I heard the sentence

Records show that a cow, who had killed and eaten a child, was dragged through the streets and hanged in the town square”

And suddenly I was listening, trying to work out if that was really it, but too late…

But now I need to know. Do cows kill? Do they kill and eat children? Because, you know, I know I’ve been coming across as pretty jumpy lately, but I have to tell you, along with mice, and,(you know) dead people, I’ve never felt that happy around cows either. I mean – they don’t scurry in quite the same way as mice, but you can’t trust them, all that standing, and staring and chewing, and all those stomachs. There’s just something shifty about the whole lot of them.

And, if I heard right, I’ve now been justified in my beliefs. I was right. And everyone told me that cows were peaceful, cudloving big-beasts were wrong. Wrong I tell you, wrong. Is that why cows are untouchable in some parts of the world – because, essentially, they know better, that you never, EVER, fuck with a cow? Should the phrase be ‘Sacred Cow’ or, would perhaps ‘Scary Cow’ be more fitting?

Unless it’s only French cows. Is it only French cows? Are the television channels of France filled with programmes called ‘Quand les vaches attaquent!’ and ‘Quand les vaches attaquent II, Retour des vaches qui tuent!‘*. Do terrified French people huddle indoors in Cow Season? And when is cow season, excactly?

Or perhaps it’s just medieval cows. In which case I may not have to worry. Unless I suddenly encounter a corridor of the pre-industrial bovine undead on arriving in work one day. But why would they pick the fifth floor? Well to scare me, obviously. But apart from the fifth-floor thing, is it likely to happen? Is it? I mean…

Also they smell. Not the undead. Cows. I mean, the undead probably smell as well. So, actually, undead cows would smell twice as bad. Terrifying. This is a new world of terror. I’m picturing all sorts of Cow horror films. ‘The Udders’: Starring Nicole Kidman, one example. Sorry. Rambling.

I don’t think there’s anywhere to go with this idea. But I am actually looking from information.

Do cows kill?

* ‘When Cows Attack…’ and sequel ‘Return of the killer cows…’


Oh, alright then. Thanks to you – and the fact that I went back to the BBC and ‘listened again’, I admit, it was a Sow. Not a Cow.

This is still scary though. No?

I plan to double my bacon order forthwith as a preventitive measure.