Think of the children. Wont someone please think of the children?

Oh hell.
Someone reached my site today on a search for No Smoking+rap.

This can mean only one thing.

Somewhere out there, someone is planning yet another theatrical event that will both appeal to the youth (Or Yoof as they will jokingly pronounce it, for which they should be hung, drawn and quartered, and then pickled as an example) and also provide the stringent moralistic educational message that the government and parents expect.

In my experience, which is not insubstantial, educational raps, written by white, upper middle-class unemployable RADA graduates, sound like this;

Yo, yo, yo, yo!
Now come on homies, get down with this,
Because here is something you should give a miss,
its not cool to smell, its not hip to die
and thats why
when someone says you should try
NIC-O-TINE! (all shout here)
you should say
NO THANK YOU! (all shout)
Cos that kinda things gonna kill you like a tankll.
CIGARETTES! (ditto)
It aint clever nor big
So the next time someone offers you a cig
Grab it, and crush it, laugh in their smelly face
Coz theyll die of cancer and instead
YOURE ACE!
(All end shouting, fist holding crushed cigarette in the air, wait for applause)

Frankly, all the raps Ive heard used in theatre in schools have been worse than abysmal, seemingly written by people who go;

Rap? Oh, I can do that Oh no, thats terribly easy, terribly. Ive heard it, you know Its rhyming couplets. Yes, like Shakespeare. Exactly like Shakespeare, but not iambic pentameter, per se, a bit more street, you know, down, with the yoof hahaha, li (BANG!)

Im sorry, he had to die. He did the bunny ears thing.

Then, what would I know?
I went to a Church of England school (As did 35% of the Muslim kids in my area, it wasnt that dogmatic, they didnt mind that our family were Methodists/agnostics) and all the educational performances we seemed to get were about the dangers of getting to know Jesus or the joys of getting pregnant.

Im sorry, that was meant to be The dangers of getting pregnant, or the joys of getting to know Jesus.

Jesus – Good. Teenage Pregnancy – Bad.
Now dont say I never learnt anything at Secondary School.

Yo yo yo yo yo.
Hey sisters, dont dis while I tell ya lil story,
its all about the sin and its all about the glory
Are you feeling nauseous evry morning? feeling down on your luck?
well try hard and remember the last time you had a
FUCK.(oooooooooh, cutting edge youth drama)

Now Jesus, right, he loves you, tho less if youre a ho
So next time youre with your boy just say
GO SLOW! (All shout here)
Nothing wrong with kissing, with getting just a little wet
just stay, Jesus says, away from
POST COITAL CIGARETTES! (All shout. Point made. Wait for applause. None comes.)

Three morals for the price of none. Bonus.