You know, I think it’s possibly because I’ve been dropped back into the whole thing, but I’m feeling a lot more Christmassy than I have done in a few more years. Well, I say ‘a lot more Christmassy’, I mean I’m not despising it as much as I have done every other year. I’m even considering tinsel.

Usually, the whole thing sneaks up on you until it’s all-pervasive; the advertising, the programming, the news, the supermarkets the etc etc etc just grows all over you like a creeping sore until you’re covered from head to foot and just don’t notice it any more.

Still there is one thing that’s been confusing me since my arrival home. On the television, McDonalds are advertising their seasonal Christmas menu with an advert playing on the great British Panto tradition. What is on their seasonal Christmas menu? The ‘Big Tasty’ - a normal burger, it seems, with added bacon, ‘crinkle fries’ which are normal chips that are celebrating the birth of the christ by being crinkle cut, and the ‘mexican chicken premiere’, a chicken burger with nachos in it.

Now, perhaps it’s because I have not spend enough time in America - it is true, I have not spent much, but I continue to be slightly confused how this relates to anything you might consider to be Christmas food in any way, shape, or form. If you’re reading this, Mr McDonald, I would like to register my confusion. I don’t get it, Ron, I just don’t.

Something I do get, however, is the fact that the Pickard sisters traditional Christmas website is back with a vengence (and some helper elves, obv) so you can go and read generally every day, fascinating festive facts that may only slightly be sometimes a bit made up. If you haven’t encountered ‘Tis before, we’ve been doing it for oooh, YEARS, and you can find a full archive here. some of which is really quite funny indeed. Blimey, did we write this? It’s really good.

Today’s fascinating fact: The birthrate in most western countries rises sharply nine months after Christmas, peaking in August.

We love them, especially this particular one.

So please go and vote for dear Mr JonnyB in some awards thing I’ve never heard of.

Thank you. Aren’t you nice?

You know, the worst thing about going on a beautiful, sunsoaked wonderfully relaxing holiday is how utterly rubbish everything suddenly seems when you get back. The cold, the dark, the wet, the dark, the dark, the sudden rush and complete dearth of any time for anything, for emails, for writing, for phoning for anything in fact except being thrown back into a state of chaos and stress and the realisation that two days after coming back from holiday my shoulders are back up around my ears and I can’t remember whether I’ve been away at all.

People comment on my tan and ask if I’ve been away and I have to have a think. Have I? Oh yes, so I have.
And the people on the train annoy me more than words can say.
There’s also a small matter of jetlag.

So whiney whiney whine, that’s why I’ve not regalled you with stories of cocktails and brown-water jacuzzis and how to be romantic with a billion bugs in your hair and my freaky dreams and how good Africa smells and snakes I have known and etc etc etc but I will. I will though I promise. That and pictures.

I just wanted to explain, that’s all.

However, in a cheeky ‘Oh you can write about it elsewhere but you can’t be loyal to the boat, is it?…‘ You can find just a little bit about what it might be like to be on safari in this worky thing here, bashed out in jetlagged stupor and the middle of the night. So that is all I have to give you for now. There will be much Exclusive to littleredboat!!! content veh soon.

Sorry for being a bit rubbish.
xxx

Nothing happened, apparently. I find this hard to believe.

Of course there IS some news.

On my site a bunch of very lovely people indeed went a bit random for a while there, and I think them all very much for it, and wish to buy them all many many many drinks. I did buy them presents, just like I bought everyone presents, but then left them on a bench in Mombasa airport. If anyone who happens to be passing through Mombasa airport would like to keep an eye out for a bag containing several dozen ‘Jambo! Kenya!‘ and ‘I (heart) Cheetah!‘ bumper stickers, I would be very grateful.

And also I wasn’t able to point out (because I wasn’t here) the my video review column things going up, but they did and my favourite one, the one I think works best, is the P!nk one, so you should read that because I like it.

But no other news.

Boo.

Well The epic that was Bathmatwatch finally ended, but sadly that didn’t seem to have been picked up by SKY news when I tuned in last night, which is weird, because you’d think it would have been.

In fact, in over two weeks without a television, the internet or a newspaper (with the exception of ‘CoastalWeek’, of which more at some point), I was convinced that we were going to come back and find that something had been destroyed or some government brough down or someone terribly important had died. I came back to discover that the poor Russian man who looked like he was about to die when we were packing our bags did. And, running through all the headline feeders last night, the shock news that US ‘Might not be in control of the situation in Iraq after all’. Is that it? Blimey.

There MUST be more news.
Surely.
I want more news.

I may make some up.

Gosh, it was terrible news about that Malteser avalanche in the Ukraine, wasn’t it?

No, that’s not real news, it doesn’t satisfy at all.
I want other different news. Please.

I have returned. Although mentally I am not all home yet, physically, at least, I am. I think. No, I definitely am.

But I was away, honest. Then I came back. Just in time, in fact, as I was about to run out of books. Phew.

But I was away. Even I with the Very Long Day and the Maybe a Bit of Jetlag can state officially for the record, that I Have Been Away, Africaing. Just to prove it, here is a picture of an elephant’s arse.

So there.

And how are you?

Apparently, there is a rage within Mr Angry. That’s why he called his website I Am Livid. Let’s see that inner monster pour forth…

Mr Angry’s previous answers are here

8) What are your five favourite blogs that AREN’T littleredboat.co.uk?

Twenty Major – A sweary Irishman with a talent for story telling and drinking Guinness.

Smaller Than Life – An urban documentary blogger with a fetish for bathroom furniture. Bathmatwatch is the Internet phenomenon of the year.

As a Dodo – The obituaries you would really like to see.

The Dilbert Blog – the blog of Scott Adams, the chap who writes Dilbert. He writes very well and very amusingly for a man whose other work is generally just three speech boxes long.

Emerald Bile – Not for the faint-hearted, a very sweary (yes, swearing is big and it is clever) and highly amusing rant based site.

16) Provide explanation for one of the following images:

“Angela Landsbury had never given a urine sample before.”
“Murder She Wrote introduced a binge drinking sub-plot to in a desperate bid to attract a younger audience”

17. You surely have something you believed in as a child that people later convinced you was fantasy. Yet somewhere within you, you still think it might actually be fact. Wassit?

Until the age of 11 I was convinced that in the olden days (before colour television) everything around us was in black and white. I have seen the films, I have seen these films with my own eyes, and everything was black and white.

Obviously I was told at a later date that this was a limitation of film technology, and actually, everything was in colour like it is today. But how do we know for sure?

It is similar to that ‘tree falling in the woods’ philosophical question (which I have never properly understood so its use a reference her may be completely erroneous).

If there is no-one who actually saw the olden days in colour, then did it really happen?

I have asked around some of my more elderly neighbours, and not one of them remembers the 1800’s. Useless old people. I have not been able to get a single eye witness account, not even from Sally at number 25 who I cautiously estimate to be about 200 years old.

I have seen enough episodes of The Bill to know that without an eye witness account, the evidence can only prove so much.

We have been told that the technology limitations were why we had black and white films, but what about before that? I know there are paintings from the olden days that are in colour, but I’ve seen enough ‘art’ to know that you can’t take what the artists draw as gospel. They make stuff up all the time. Would you trust a man who cut a cow in half and put in a big fish tank? I thought not.

So without a definitive eye-witness account, the evidence for an olden days colour-filled world is circumstantial at best. So I refuse to rule out the possibility that the past was indeed in black and white.

I am sure that when they invent a time machine, this will at the top of the list when it comes to great mysteries that need solving.

· Mr Angry’s spleen is vented all over I Am Livid.

Apparently, there is a rage within Mr Angry. That’s why he called his website I Am Livid. Let’s see that inner monster pour forth…

1) Alright, so if eating loudly on public transport isn’t the cardinal sin against society, humanity and moral decency that I claim, what IS the worst?

Well firstly, it is a sin, obviously. To think otherwise you would have to be a borderline sociopath or Jamie Oliver (these are not necessarily mutually exclusive). I do wonder sometimes if the fat tongued freak narrates all his meals, or just the ones that are on TV?

“Beauuutiful sandwich there Jules, proper pucka. That salad is tremendous, so fresh, and the ham is gorgeous, and it’s complimented brilliantly by the wholegrain mustard. Luverly Jubberly.”

“Shut up and just eat it will you.”

Though to be honest, I am not sure that I fully understand the question. Are you asking me about the worst sin against society, or the worst public-transport based sin? Obviously they might be a bit different. The worst sin against mankind could be something like genocide, getting your brother Jeb to fix an Election, or buying a copy of Back To Bedlam. But I’m not sure you’re asking that question?

So what is the worst sin against society that you can commit on a bus or train?

That is difficult, as when I am traveling in rush-hour traffic it is not unusual for me to have violent thoughts about my fellow carriage dwellers. In those increasingly frequent cases, breathing is a sin, sitting down is a sin, standing up is a sin, wearing an overcoat that is a slightly offensive shade of beige is a sin. Attempting to make small talk with me when I’m reading is a sin deserving of a very painful demise indeed.

But, probably worse than all of these, is when someone tries to read my newspaper over my shoulder.

These people are scum.

You cannot cover more than fifteen feet on the streets around any mainline train station without having some sort of free reading material thrust into your arms, so why do you need to read mine? I paid for it, you didn’t. This is essentially theft.

“It says here that the recent interest rate rise should slow the house price boom, but some experts feel it could tip the balance towards an average price drop towards the middle of 2007. What do you think?” I said looking directly at the man to my left who was reading my paper.

“Excuse me?”

“Well, I saw you reading my paper, so I thought you might be interested in discussing the article I’m reading? It is OK, I have an ‘A’ Level in Economics so I’m sure I can keep up with you. What is your view?”

“I was, err, just looking at the pictures.”

He didn’t look at my paper any more after that.

· You wouldn’t like him when he was angry. Well, you might, if you read I Am Livid

Hennie, who comes from South Africa and blogs at Hollyveld, claims to be a straight man trapped in a gay body. He should probably see a doctor about that.

His previous answers are here.

8) What are your five favourite blogs that AREN’T littleredboat.co.uk?

Is this a trick question? And do you really want me to be honest here? Because they’re not exactly the type of blogs I’m thinking you’re thinking I’m liking reading a lot.

There’s very little reading involved at all, to be honest.

I’m kidding, of course. No, really. Do you KNOW how expensive bandwidth is in this country?

9) Name eight (fictional or non-fictional, alive or dead) people you would never, under any circumstances, invite to a dinner party, and why.

Winona Ryder. I like my things.

Hillary Clinton. She’s scary.

That vinyl-lovin’ freak from earlier. He weirds me out.

Tony Blair. I’d keep giggling at his external hearing organs.

My upstairs neighbour. We strongly dislike each other.

Any panpipe player

The inventor of the internet. He has destroyed my social.

[insert female pop superstar that isn't madonna here]. She’s not Madonna.

10) Name ten people (fictional or non-fictional) that probably wouldn’t come to a dinner party if you asked them but they probably should because you think you have valuable advice to give them. Etc.

Winona Ryder. I need to know why the hell I had that bizarre dream of the two of us flying up and down a building trying to get in. This was almost five years ago and it still bugs me. I mean, Winona Ryder!? Why her? I don’t have a particular like or dislike of her. I sure don’t have impure thoughts about her. Why? It bugs me no end.

Uhm. And nine other people who’s names I can’t remember right now but they know who they are and that’s all that counts.

11) I have a single thick, dark hair that occasionally grows underneath my chin. I am a girl. Is this normal?

Depends.

I have one thick grey hair growing exclusively out of my left eyebrow. It’s our first, we’re very proud and practically looking like Richard Gere only with more facial expressions.

But.

I also have a single, thick dark hair that chronically grows out of the exact same spot on both my earlobes. And I tend to forget about them once they’ve been cut down to size the fuckers. It’s a special kind of horror, every time I’m innocently shaving away, only to discover that, once again, simultaneous productions of Jack and the Beanstalk are being staged in stereo around my head.

I blame GM. And other sciences I know jack-shit about as well.

12) What do you collect (physical or non-physical), and how many do you have?

Thick dark ear hairs.

Two.

13) Would you rather be burnt at the stake, or drowned, or hanged?

This is my favourite question. All of the above, please Anna.

No?

Okay, in that case… hmmm… let’s see what’s behind Door Number 1. Definitely the most glamorous of the bunch.

14) You are arranging a ‘Punching Party’ to be held at your house. You will be inviting five people that you and your guests can punch at will. Who are they?

Panpipes.

15) The social (and specifically relationship based) etiquette of farting.

Tough one.

It’s a bodily function just like all the rest, after all, and deserves to be treated with equality and respect. Gas has feelings too, you know. It never had a choice in the matter, it’s not like it woke up one day and thought, “hmm. I think I’ll go gas for a bit.”

That’s why I think events such as the annual Gas Pride Parade – combating nasal bigotry and discrimination the world over! play such an important role in raising social awareness of gas rights.

I have been declared terminally single and therefore am in no way qualified to answer the second part of this question.

16) Provide an explanation for the following image:

Now this is my kinda party.

Check it out, man, that old bag on the right is DRUNK! Yeah baby baby! Skanky ho! Looks like someone’s had one too many dips into the punch bowl, know what I mean nudge nudge wink wink giggle giggle snort? Check! Man, she’s like, getting on to the table an’ shit… whoaw… dude no ways she’s totally stripping!

I miss Murder She Wrote. They should do another season. They really should.

17. You surely have something you believed in as a child that people later convinced you was fantasy. Yet somewhere within you, you still think it might actually be fact. Wassit?

Nope.

All serious as a kid, remember? Now, if you were to ask that question in reverse… At present I believe all manner of things that lots of people are trying to convince me of not being true. All manner of things. Yes.

18. How many pairs of shoes do you own? Which is the worst pair, and what is the story?

Erm, gosh, not that many. I have fancy shoes for all my fancy needs, and active-type shoes for never going to the gym with etc etc, but on a day to day basis I’m really a one-pair, wear-’em-to-death kinda guy. And hence, every pair of shoes I’ve ever owned ends up as the worst one yet.

(I’m exaggerating for dramatic effect, of course. If only slightly. But I do take foot-hygiene just as seriously as the next person. Just wanted to be clear on that.)

19. What’s the point?

The bit where an oblong thing stops being an oblong thing.

20. If grey is the new black, thin is the new fat and vid is the new blog, what the hell do you think you’re doing?

Why, moblogging, of course. It’s the new gay.

21. I’m bored of questions, what about you?

Not at all. Talking about myself is what I do best. It’s also one of my favourite pastimes.

· Hear more about Hennie’s economy options at Hollyveld.

Hennie, who comes from South Africa and blogs at Hollyveld, claims to be a straight man trapped in a gay body. He should probably see a doctor about that.

Answerage herewithin wherewithal within here provided as being provided herein in reaction and response to queries having been put by yourself and yours, as being an inquiry into myself and me, as a person, personally, whom is in essence known in general to the world as generally being Hennie.

1. Tell me about your childhood (15 words or less, we don’t have all day)

It’s over, thankfully. I was a very serious child.

2. Just because you are related to people, does it mean you should get on with them?

Only on Tuesdays.

3. Actually, more’s the point, if you weren’t related to some of your family, would you do them, do you think?

Define ‘family’ here, please.

I mean, how closely related are we talking about, more or less? Because you know, it’s *technically* alright for cousins to get…

Not? No?

I’ll go with “no never ever yucky eeuw” for 300 pounds, please.

Do you have a name for your genitalia? Yes/No

No. It has a name for me, though.

If yes? Is it a name shared by one of your parents?

Just dishing out the food for thought here, aren’t we Anna?

What’s the most embarrassing, intrusive question anyone’s ever asked you (direct quotes only, please), how did you feel when they asked it, and, most importantly, what was your answer? NO, what was your answer Exactly?

“Dude, are those white socks?”

I felt embarrassed and most intruded upon. And I couldn’t answer on account of the tears of self-loathing.

“REAL” QUESTIONS, so-called.

1) Alright, so if eating loudly on public transport isn’t the cardinal sin against society, humanity and moral decency that I claim, what IS the worst?

Panpipes. Mondays. All other drivers. Especially old ones. Morning people. Morning people on Mondays. People who play panpipes. All analogue technology. Especially panpipes. And no, I don’t want to hear your sad story about the grooviness of the grooves in the thing being SOOOOH much better than digital at capturing the very essenceness of the soundness, man. Don’t care.

Don’t care, don’t care. Oh for fuck I said I don’t oh God please stop saying the word vinyl like that it makes me very uncomfortable okay that’s it I’m leaving.

People who listen to panpipe music. People who play panpipe music in public spaces. Panpipes.

2) Name the top ten uses for toilet paper.

Mummification – Economy Option.

Haiku composition (What? It’s right there, just bring a pen)

Party Bling – Economy Option

Panpipes

Gift Wrapping – Economy Option

Make-shift measuring device

Right, I’m reaching. Moving along then.

3) What’s the funniest word in the world? Apart from ‘biscuit’?

Polyglot.

Because it just begs to denote something rude and nasty and suspicious. Truly one of the great missed opportunities in the history of English vocabulary.

Also, moblogging.

4) Aliens have landed. What do you show them first? (Please take your penis as a given answer, and move onto the next thing) why that, and how do you explain it to them?

You’re good at this question business, aren’t you? I can tell.

I shall show them a panpipe and they will turn around and go back home.

5) Shadow animals made with animals. Can you make them, what’s the point, don’t you think they’re a bit rubbish and please provide a step by step instruction (no pictures allowed)

I’ve never really been much of a fan of performance art. Too messy.

6) Have you ever grown a moustache? If so, where?

Can I just please say that a moustache is the single biggest fucking turn off in the entire history of the world ever.

Why? Why? Why do they still infest the visages of otherwise perfectly ordinary-looking or even handsome men the world over to this very day? Why? For fuck, never mind that it’s so utterly grim and unsettling to the constitution to behold, how the hell do you expect anyone to take you seriously looking like that with your bits of fur prodding and pulsating and bobbing up and down all independently of your upper lip as if it’s got a life of its own like a like a like a a a fat juicy maggot or something? Hmm?

I have a problem with moustaches.

Oooh wait! Is it too late to go back to the first question and put moustaches on the list of things that are vile and disgusting now? Because I’d like to add moustaches to the list, please Anna. Also, panpipes.

And apologies to any moustache-donning reader.

7) We all have our eccentricities. I like matching things. And correctly stacked things. And can’t handle labels sticking out of clothes. Hell, everyone knows mine. Please tell us all about yours. In horrific detail.

See above.

*racks brain, searches for eccentric behaviour patterns. fails miserably. feels devastatingly average and normal all of a sudden*

I don’t seem to have any noteworthy quirks, no.

No wait! Does watching Oprah count?

· Continue reading about Hennie’s psychological foibles at Hollyveld.