You know, I wrote a post a few years ago about forwarded emails – the main gripe of which was that it ended:
SEND THIS E-MAIL MANTRA TO AT LEAST FIVE PERSONS AND LIFE WILL IMPROVE
0-4 persons: Your life will improve slightly
5-9 persons: Your life will improve to your liking
9-14 persons: You will have at least 5 surprises in the next
15 or more persons: Your life will improve drastically and all
that you have always dreamed will come true
Which seemed like a particularly flavoursome breed of tripe.
Anyway, at the top of that email it said, probably: “If you DO NOT forward this you will get a very unpleasant surprise!” or, at least I’m guessing it said that, because I didn’t forward it, of course, and this week received a Very Unpleasant Surprise.
Same email. Or similar. Not sure i actually read it. Anyway. Here it came again.
Three times. And each time… Fwd;Fwd;Fwd;Fwd;Fwd…
The Lotus totus….
The whatty-what, now?
You have 6 minutes
6 minutes … 6 minutes Doug E Fresh, you’er oh-oh-on. Ah-ah-on. Sorry. Joke for two people (me and my sister, probably). Anyway.
I have six minutes?! My GOD! It’s taken me six minutes to scroll down all the previous email adresses this has been
spammed to sent to previously! My GOD, I’m ALMOST OUT OF TIME.
There’s some mighty fine advice in these words, even if you’re not superstitious.
Well that’s exciting. I can barely hang on to my wee, I am that excited.
No, to be serious, it’s always good to get advice from a friend, and since these emails always come from friends, albeit friends that you perhaps haven’t seen for a good few years, it’s really, really nice of them to offer this.
This Lotus Totus has been sent to you for good luck.
The what? Jesus! Hurry! I’ve only got about twelve seconds of my six minutes left! Running on borrowed time, people.
Anyway, sorry to deviate, but surely a little personalised “Dear anna, good luck, lots of love ‘person with your email address in his address book’” would have done the job? Maybe? Or, no? Well, I don’t know, whatever.
It has been sent around the world ten times so far.
Oh has it buggery bollocks. Just because some idiot spammed it to people he met while backpacking in Australia and coincidentally some idiot Australian sent it to some people she met in a Walkabout in London, it does not mean it’s ‘been around the world ten times’, it means it’s landed unwelcomly in far too many email boxes internationally already.
Although I’m imagining a ribbon of patchouli-scented spam circling the world severally. It’s disgusting, but a bit funny. Only a bit.
Do not keep this message.
Don’t worry, I won’t.
The Lotus Totus must leave your hands in 6 MINUTES. Otherwise you will get a very unpleasant surprise. This is true, even if you are not superstitious, agnostic, or otherwise faith impaired.
Sorry what hm? Are you on crack?
ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
By ‘more than they expect’, do you mean ‘spam email’? Because to be honest with you I wasn’t really expecting spam email, so you’ve played a blinder there…
TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
TWO Marry a man-woman you can trust not to send you hokey lists of absolute toss. As you get older, you’ll find you recieve less hokey lists of absolute toss in email form.
THREE. Don’t believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
Whatever you do, trust no one, fuck charity, and stay awake at all hours.
Fuckin’ paranoid sleepdeprived penny pincher.
I can stand many things, but I cannot stand a sleep-nazi.
FOUR. When you say, “I love you,” mean it!
When I say “Hon, it’s always great to hear from you, but can you PLEASE stop forwarding me crap?”, listen!
FIVE. When you say, “I’m sorry,” look the person in the eye.
If they send you spam – poke them in the eye! With a stick!
SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
Where did THAT come from?
SEVEN. Believe in love at first! sight.
But make sure you don’t do ANYTHING about it for at least six months. Point Six, meet Point Seven! Seven, Six…
EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone’s dreams. People who don’t have dreams don’t have much.
Except maybe spam.
I had a dream the other night where this monkey was trying to steal my shoes. And then he did steal my shoes, and then I sneezed my special emergency sneeze, and Captain Caveman turned up and helped me chase him, and then suddenly I was at work. And then my head fell off.
See, I told my beloved about this, and he laughed at my dream. Bastard.
I punch him in the knees. I will. Hang on.
NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it’s the only way to live life completely.
Yes, but at the same time, don’t commit yourself to anything for at least six months, because that would just be *stupid*, and also lead you into contravention of point six, which probably leads to some kind of to bad luck, death of pets etc.
TEN. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
So calling people who forward pointless superstitious-inbox-bollocks complete idiots ISN’T the ideal way forward, you’re saying? Oh boo.
Booooooo, it was such fun.
Well then I should fight fairly? Fine. But HOW? I will think on this…
ELEVEN. Don’t judge people by their relatives.
Instead judge them by the fact they think that if they forward a nonsensical drivel to ’15+ people their lives will improve beyond their wildest dreams and everything they want will come true!!!’? Yes. Surely, that is a measure of an emailer.
Personally, though, I think I could learn more by meeting their mother. Or, you know, father. And maybe going back in time and vasectomising him.
TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.
Also, skim read, and when it comes to hitting that ‘forward button’, be like lightning, my child!
THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer, smile and ask, “Why do you want to know?”
“Why do I want to know? Because silly as it is, the little message that says New mail (1) is still exciting to me after all these years, and when I open it up and see it’s from someone who I counted a friend, my heart lifts, thinking I might hear news of their life, or perhaps go out for a drink… And then I open it and all it is is a slab of witless superstition, and a waste of my time and expectation. So please, don’t be coy – tell me: why don’t you reply to my emails asking how you are? why DO you send me this shit?
FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
I’m getting bored now.
FIFTEEN. Say “bless you” when you hear someone sneeze.
Seriously. Fuck off. There are surely a finite useful words I will consume in my lifetime. You are using up too many of them.
And so it rolls on…
SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R’s: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.
EIGHTEEN. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
But I can let a little email injure a now-vague acquaintanceship, right?
NINETEEN. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
Or Maybe just familiarise yourself with the ‘Move to Trash’ button. Many good things will happen to you and positive energy will flood over you from the cosmos because of it. If you do not do it within a MINUTE, an unfortunate incident will befall you! Possibly involving me kicking you in the vadge. If you have one, otherwise I will settle for thise testicle things.
TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
Excellent. Unable to think of any more ill-considered, disjointed piddle, we’ve moved on to copying out section headings from ‘Welcome to Your New Job: How To be a Call Centre Representative’
TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.!
Thank you. I will.
Now, here’s the FUN part!
Oh! Come on then…
Send this to at least 5 people and your life will improve.
> > >1-4 people: Your life will improve slightly.
> > >5-9 people: Your life will improve to your liking.
> > >9-14 people: You will have at least 5 surprises in
> > the next 3 weeks
> > >15 and above: Your life will improve drastically
> > and everyt! hing you ever
> > >dreamed of will begin to take shape.
Right. Right. When you said the ‘fun’ part, you meant that part.
Well, thanks very much, I’ve had SUCH fun.
Oh. There’s more. There’s an end note.
A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.
It’s funny. I can’t say this enough (clearly, because I’ve already said it four hundred thousand times in this post alone):
A good friend is one who knows enough about you to know that you hate these emails more than anything, and doesn’t. fucking. forward. them. to. you.
In response to point ten (Fight fairly…) I have been considering how to fight fairly. And the only way I can think of is this;
– Go through all four of the versions of this email I have been sent. Collect the addresses of all the people who’ve actually forwarded this bilge in the past. Not the people they sent it to, the people who actually forwarded it.
– Paste list into a new email
– Write a new version of the list, or any list, with reasons explaining why wanky new-age self-help lists are annoying, and they are a twat.
– End with the dreadful blessing/curse mix, but adapted…
‘If you forward this to more than ten people: bad things will happen to you and your loved ones and you will die, within the week.
If you forward this to more than five people: your arms and legs will fall off, but you will not die within the week. Maybe within the month.
If you forward this to more than two people: You will get mild earache, but will otherwise be fine.
If you forward this to NO people, and promise never to do it again: Good things will happen to you! Karma will be kind to you, the heavens will smile upon you and no one will set fire to your curtains.
– Hit send.
And you know what? I would do that, but I can’t.
I can’t, because I can’t stand the idea of being antisocial and moronic enough to spam that many people.