Funny old week. So, where were we up to? Ah yes. We came back from the Big Brilliant Train Trip (which was indeed brilliant).
My Beloved was going back to the UK for a wedding – I was meant to be going to a different wedding, elsewhere, realised I couldn’t at the very last minute, and was already miserable at having to cancel and be at neither.
We’d arrived back on the train that morning, and after some lightning laundry and repacking, he went. On his way, he bought our tickets back to the UK.
As in, to live.
This was the beginning of a funny old week. For him, because he’d just bought the tickets, and that was weird, and suddenly he was thrown into the UK to go to this wedding and see the flat we will be living in and meet up with friends and relations and see all the things we will be going back to.
But for me, I just wandered around looking at all the things and people we will be leaving behind.
This made me sad.
But it is not a sad thing we are doing.
We’ve been here over two years now, made some amazing friends, learnt a lot about a part of the world that I would live in again, in a second, if the chance came up.
And in which we could, at a push, if we wanted to, stay. We’re both getting freelance work, have flexible enough visas and it’s not a case of must go back… It’ll just be a lot more lucrative and afford us a lot more possibilites if we work out of the UK instead of the west coast of the USA right now: that’s just the way it is.
So it is sensible, and rational, and logical – all are things I’m not very good at in general, and as I’ve been hinting, it is an idea we’ve been throwing around for months, and really is the best thing to do right now (for now).
I am happy because THINGS will be easier. Banking and accounts, insurance and all of that guff will be easier. Spending time with our very-much-loved family and friends in the UK will be easier. Getting work will be easier, in a way, depending on which of us is doing what. I am looking forward to having weekends away in lovely European places and seeing lovely friends there too. And just seeing THINGS there too. I am looking forward to having certainty about being able to stay where I am, and know what I am doing, and not have to process a lot of plans about if THIS happens then we’ll do THAT, but if THAT’s happening we’ll do THIS, OR this, depending on the result of meetings X, Y and/or Z
I am looking forward to… well, lots of things. There’s plenty of time for that as we go along. That’s what the blog is for, right?
I am sad because I won’t be here anymore. I am sad because I won’t have the smells and the light and the sunshine and the geography and the possibilities and the sense of optimism that I like about being in California. I’m sad, mostly sad, because I’ll miss the family of friends that we have built and met here.
But I can’t be that sad, because I don’t have a ban on coming back here, and I don’t have a limit on how often, either, frankly, so there.
And although these last couple of years have been very difficult, professionally and confidence-wise particularly, for me – and made infinitely more interesting with my Beloved going from fully employed to freelance – I don’t want to dwell on that. Not only because they have been crappy/interesting times for so many of us, and I don’t want to pretend we’re special in this.
But also because without them, I wouldn’t have met the people I’ve met, had the conversations I’ve had, and somehow ended up with some of the most ridiculous and fun work I could imagine, working on a game. Called Glitch (I’m still scared to say that out loud in case someone takes it away from me. But I’m going to have to stop being scared of that some time or other…) And I’m going to continue doing that, on top of some other work things I hope to continue doing, some things I used to do that I hope to get the chance to do again, and some other things I want start doing, once we get back to the UK. It is exciting and interesting. In the good way.
My beloved explains it all in a more rational, professional, manly way here.
So there you have it. We’re going back to live in Brighton – at the beginning of November. FACT.
It is exciting and sad and frustrating and brilliant and daunting and heart-breaking and anxiety-settling all at the same time.
I just thought I should make it a bit clear, for once.
It’s not a bad thing. Or a failure. Or proof that this was all a mistake (by any, any means). It’s a good thing. And a happy thing. And a logical, rational, sensible thing that will help everything be as wonderful as it should be, (or just as it should be) in the end. It is a happy thing.
But that doesn’t mean it’s not also sad.