Which is unusual enough, for me.

I’m on my way to the islands to see my little mother for a few days, but here is a meeeeeem thing that I was going to do when I saw it on lovely Cliff’s site, but then Miss Tickle told me I had to do it, so I did.

The Finishey-Sentencey Meeeeeem

1. My uncle once: hid under a little wooden bridge in Port Erin and pretended to be a troll while his nieces and nephews pretended to be billy goats gruff trip-trapping over the brdge. He did this more than once, in fact. In fact, I remember him doing it quite a lot of the time. Perhaps it was his job.

2. Never in my life: have I flown a passenger jet, because no one’s ever let me. EVER. Fuckwads.

3. When I was five: I was terribly short. Comparatively. I can’t remember much else. Or, in fact, remember that, really. It’s more guesswork, really. I guess I was quite short, as no one’s ever mentioned anything to the contrary, not even in hushed tones. I was also still very blonde, the only one in my family. I still think I’m blonde. I fill it in on forms. I’m not, apparently.

4. High school was: something on the television. Degrassi Junior High, etc. I went to Secondary school. It wasn’t great. It was a failing school then (I think it’s actually failed by now) and I was quite bullied at it. Still. It all went toward making me who I am today, and for that I should be grateful.

5. I will never forget: how to spell my name. I hope. I will also never forget the sight of my beloved walking up the road toward me the first time we met for lunch. I thought I was going to be sick.
(In a good way)

6. Once I met: Eddie Izzard after a gig of his in 1993. It was the fifth time I’d seen him perform, and the boy I was there with wanted to wait at the stage door. I really didn’t want to. I was too big a fan at the time. I hate meeting people I admire. It spoils it. Never meet your heroes, etc. I stopped liking him so much after that. Both the boy I was dating (turned out to be gay anyway, the second in a series of such) and Eddie.

7. There’s this girl I know: swears she Elvis. But she’s a bit mad, so we don’t talk to her anymore.

8. Once, at a bar: - an Irish theme pub I worked in for a couple of years in South Manchester - we had a craicometer behind the bar to measure how much fun everyone was having. I had to stand on the bar shouting to get everyone to leave; THAT’S how full of the craic we were. We discovered that if you stood up there and shouted ‘Telly Tubbies go bye bye!!!’ all the students in the place would stand up immediately and file out the door, waving. Which was useful, if slightly a sad indictment of my generation.

9. By noon, I’m usually: about 2,000 words through my day. With any luck. I’m certainly about 3 cups of coffee down. And one episode of The Gilmore Girls. And I’m bored. I have a VERY short attention span.

10. Last night: I stayed in a hotel I was anonymously reviewing, which was a lark.

11. If only I had: a thicker skin. Or enough confidence to bounce back with the thin one I do have. Or a fuzzy yellow and black skin. And wings. That would also be amazing. Also if I had an army of polar bears.

12. Next time I go to church: will be for someone’s wedding, I should think.
Not mine, no.

13. What worries me most: HA! Sorry. Um. Everything? Probably the idea that one of the people I love will suddenly die before I next see them. That’s a pretty normal one, isn’t it? People not liking me is the most constant, though.

14. When I turn my head left I see: The scenery of North-East England rushing past the window. I’m on a train heading north from Yorkshire on my way to see my little mother. There are some baby cows right now, and there was a obscenely large cathedral a minute ago.

15. When I turn my head right I see: An annoying man who’s trying to talk to me about people stealing copper wire due to the recession. I suppose I should listen to him, since I apparently stole his seat, but there weren’t any reservation tickets anywhere when I got on, so he can shove it up his arse. Oh brilliant, now he’s telling me all about his divorce and how he suspects his wife’s trying to screw him out of more money in the financial settlement than she should. Seriously: he got on the train less the six minutes ago, I’m sitting here typing furiously - while he talks, no less - I’ve got one earbud in and I’m offering nothing but monosyllabic responses. What about that says ‘Yes, I’m well up for a conversation about your divorce, talk away!’, please?

16. You know I’m lying when: I start laughing halfway through whatever I‘m saying if I catch your eye by mistake. I’m terrible at lying. Terrible.

17. What I miss most about the Eighties is: batwing jumpers.

18. If I were a character in Shakespeare I’d be: The Shrew. Pre-taming. And without any taming likely. Or Beatice. Or the bear. I like bears.

19. By this time next year: I’ll be far, far away. By this time next month, in fact. No, I still can’t tell you. Yes, it IS driving me mad.

20. A better name for me would be: Zuzu. I don’t know. I don’t think I’m the right person to choose my own name. You can choose it. What would a better name for me be, please?

21. I have a hard time understanding: numbers. They make me cry. I’d blame my appalling education but my brother had the same and is a mathematical genius. Whereas I look at them and my brain fills up with colours and sounds and I can’t see them anymore.

22. If I ever go back to school, I’ll: be even worse at speaking only when spoken to than I was the first time around. Why would I go back to school? Oh, like for another qualification? The next thing for me would be a PHD, which is pretty ridiculous. The only thing I would possibly be interested in doing would be a thesis on comedy/sitcom scripts and funny women therein. I can’t imagine there’d be much opportunity for that, though. Imagine, though; I’d end up being Dr Anna.
“Quick! Is there a doctor on the plane!?”
“Yes, but my specialist doctor-area is Friends, is that ok?”

23. You know I like you if: I tell you I like you.
In fact, I probably like you anyway. I like most people, unless they’re anonymous and cunty.

24. If I ever won an award, the first person I would thank would be: the people who gave me the award, probably. I think that would be polite. Then some other people, depending on what it was for.

25. Take my advice, never: think you’ll do this meme ‘because it’ll only take you five minutes’, because it bloody won’t.

26. My ideal breakfast is: Eggs Benedict (as it’s usually and most advisedly served in this country, with smoked salmon. Other people would call this Eggs Royale, I believe)

27. A song I love but do not have is: I don’t seem to have the Beatles version of Here, There and Everywhere on my computer, though I’m sure I have it on CD. I do, however, seem to have the Perry Como version. I can’t think of something I love but don’t own, though. I’m a bit spoilt like that. And that is what iTunes is for, no?

28. If you visit my hometown, I suggest you: tell me where it is. I don’t really have a hometown, I don’t think. Variously, depending on how you define hometown, I would suggest you: a) get an oyster card because they’re better value; b) do the Torr millenium cliff walk; c) See something at the Royal Exchange d) Go for a paddle or e) avoid West Street on a Saturday night.

29. Why won’t people: Eat with their mouth shut? Sorry, that’s shallow. ‘Just get along?’ is that better?

30. If you spend a night at my house: I’ll be quite confused and upset about it unless we’ve at least been introduced first.

31. I’d stop my wedding for: A fire? I would stop it for a fire. I wouldn’t want everyone to die in a fire just because I was getting married, that would be dreadful. Oh, is this meant to be a person? Then no one. Well, no, I’d stop it for my beloved if if my beloved wanted to fart because I think it would be better if he went into the hallway and did it and then came back because otherwise it might ruin the moment.

32. The world could do without: me. I’m not being stupid or suicidal, I’m just not very important, in the scheme of things.

33. I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: it’s penis.

34. My favourite blonde(s) is/are: My friend Hildegunn. But not because she’s blonde. How shallow would that be? And me, obv.

35. Paper clips are more useful than: hairdryers. I fecking hate hairdryers.

36. If I do anything well it’s: procrastinate. And worry. I really do lead the field in worrying.

37. I can’t help but: Worry. And write.

38. I usually cry: Yes. I usually cry at television programmes constructed entirely with the intention of making women cry. Grey’ Anatomy, for example. I’ll sit there talking about how much I despise it all for the first 41 minutes, then burst into tears by the credits for no reason I can put my finger on.

39. My advice to my child/nephew/niece: Being sensible is overrated.

40. And by the way: You’re lovely.

I don’t like tagging people. And I don’t know who has and hasn’t done it yet.
So you, yes YOU. You should do it.