See, I have been thinking more about this idea of people being annoying on trains - thinking about it, mainly, because I continue to be plagued with them. On my way into work yesterday morning (yes, it was Saturday, boooo), for example: A lady whose normal light-conversation-voice was the same voice that the rest of us reserve for impassioned arguments with soon to be ex-spouses, and next to me, a priest with alarmingly pungent body odour.
So I concerned myself, as usual, with my new Brilliant Idea.
When I lived in Scotland a few years ago, there was a column called ‘I Saw You’. People who had seen someone else (you see? that’s where they got the name from) that they found attractive would put a note in a little box in various places in Glasgow and Edinburgh, and their note might appear in the next week’s edition
“You were wearing a green jumper and were on the no.86 bus, I smiled at you, and you blinked. Drink sometime?”
“Me: glasses and a shaved head. You: the gorgeous barman who served me till I fell off the stool. Ring me?”
In the last few months, I have taken to picking up one of the London free sheets, which also offers this kind of service to it’s readers.
“You brighten my commute every morning with your lovely brown hair. I’m your Central Line admirer. Give me a sign”
And generally, they’re so vague that you wonder if any of them do any good, or if everyone just assumes they’re NOT about them, and life carries on unchanged, or everyone assumes it IS about them, and the commuters of old London town start looking at everyone with a mixture of lust and suspicion. Which, now I think about it, covers the way half of them look at each other anyway.
Whatever. It’s all very sweet and terribly romantic and a beautiful reminder of the fact that every train carriage is packed with individuals with a need to love and be loved, and the instinct to reach out and make meaningful human contact with those around them and blah blah blah yawn.
See, my Brilliant New Idea has sprung from this beautiful well of humanity, but diverted via the twittered train annoyances I was telling you about last week.
It’s based on the ‘I Saw You‘ concept, but is called - and here’s where the idea grubbles off down a branch line - ‘I Hate You‘.
Or perhaps more mildly and accurately: ‘You Irritate Me‘
So it’s a way of making contact with those people you see every day, but instead of contacting them in the hope of sex, or marriage or something, you’re instead contacting them with the intention of perhaps trying to get them to shut up. Or, you know, just making them aware that there are other people in the world and that being courteous to their needs is like, in a way, caring for your own little corner of society.
‘You: On the 9.41 from London Bridge to Croydon shovelling a really smelly McDonalds into your mouth like an angry moonpig. Please slow down. You’ll give yourself indigestion. Or CHOKE And DIE.”
“No.30 Bus, Tuesday. You: were shouting into your phone about how utterly hilarious your ‘crazy’ debauched drinking weekend was. I: was sniggering behind my newspaper. So was everyone else. No, Not ‘with’ you.”
I think it is a genius idea. As well as giving people an easy way to vent their frustrations with humanity, it also - in the hope that their intended recipient read it - may provide a useful public service.
“You: on the 915am from Wokingham, wearing a red jumper, carrying a gym bag, and clearly had forgotten your deodorant. I: was sitting five seats away gagging. Woo-EEE, Mister.”
“You: were on the 8.46 from Haywards Heath biting your nails. I: found a nail fragment stuck in the folds of my skirt just after you got off. Seriously. Euw.”
So here’s my plan: a website, which people can submit to by text or IM or web or whatever, and whose content can then be syndicated by local newspapers depending on location of the postee, and I can make several billion pounds for thinking of the world’s best idea ever and never ever have to get on any kind of commuter vehicle ever again.
“You: gorgeous, tanned, smug, listening to your iPod on the central line, tea time Tuesday. I: could hear every note of the Celine Dion Greatest Hits you were listening to. Classy.
And, of course, making the world a nicer and more societally-aware place.
Hurrah!
Awesome idea!
Eventually, you could even have the messages scrolling across the announcement screen type thingumy that they have on more modern trains. And perhaps even some sort of text message service too. I swear I’ve seen that before. Somewhere. In some context. Maybe.
Also, I love, love, love the word “moonpig”!!! Does anyone know its…umm…etymology? I feel like I’ve heard it before…
:o)
Comment by inspiredbycoffee — 23 July, 2007 7:03 am
You are right. It IS genius. I’m sure you’ll be able to figure out how to catch and filter (delete) any messages that are aimed at you… ;-)
Comment by Gordon — 23 July, 2007 8:49 am
“You: on the 9:52 to Amsterdam, not even trying to keep your children under control. Me: Two seats back holding my head in my hands and wishing I had a shotgun.
Comment by Invader Stu — 23 July, 2007 8:49 am
Yes!
Due to lethal combination of caffeine and ADHD, ’tis (partly) done, i.e. the easy part. Not a tecchie.
Shall not whore it here until: a) it (partly) works; and b) I have your imprimatur.
P.S Does hating people necessarily preclude hopes of sex and marriage? I think not. Two words: Cheryl Tweedy.
Comment by Konnie Huxtable Global — 23 July, 2007 8:50 am
[...] Monday, July 23, 2007 ~ Anna has the bestest idea in the world ever. Commuters unite! [...]
Pingback by Informationally Overloaded » Blog Archive » Eyesore, you — 23 July, 2007 8:51 am
You are rather wonderful, Anna.
Best to avoid using biros as chopsticks from now on, though.
Comment by z — 23 July, 2007 9:11 am
Classic idea, excellent — I love it! Do you think it would catch on in Paris? Seriously, it would apply to SO MANY people! (Of course, I imagine someone is also chuckling about me behind a newspaper or book many days also, but that’s beside the point…)
What’s with these new mobile phones that apparently have the capacity to play music OUT LOUD so that the rest of the commuters must suffer the consequences?! And who in the world thinks it’s NORMAL to play that drivel for the rest of us to have to tolerate?!
Comment by Alice — 23 July, 2007 9:43 am
This is brilliant. Genius. Like most Londoners, I hate so many people, I wouldn’t know where to begin.
You should start a Web site where everyone can post. You could split it up by city - sort of like Gum Tree/Craig’s List so users can show global disdain.
Comment by Nicole — 23 July, 2007 10:41 am
every day i love you more and more
Comment by lucy p — 23 July, 2007 11:33 am
What a great idea. I’ve wanted a place to say this for ages:
“To the smelly beardyman with masking tape holding his glasses together who stood on the platform at Totenham Court Road and repeated, in my face, over and over again, ‘Important: don’t forget to have lots of fun. Important: don’t forget to have lots of fun…’, thank you for the advice.”
Comment by Damian — 23 July, 2007 11:47 am
“You, grotesquely obese man sitting diagonally opposite me with most obnoxiously smelly cornish pasty - you don’t need it! Try fresh fruit and salad!”
Comment by SophieW — 23 July, 2007 12:18 pm
Sadly, ventyourspleen.com is already taken. Although I do recommend ‘andanotherthing.com’.
I seem to write more and more often about people on trains. I guess it’s something to do with wanting to concentrate on a train, whereas simply walking around most people cease to exist unless they’re trying to mug you. Or they’re tourists getting in the way. There was also that thing in the IoS yesterday about the man who wrote a novel on the train. By text message. And then lulued himself into print. Odd fellow.
Anyhoo. A particularly fired-up rant about people on trains:
http://www.ivansalcedo.com/blog/2007/07/04/the-radio-4ski-archies/
Comment by Ivan — 23 July, 2007 1:20 pm
Yep, like it
Where do I sign up?
Comment by anxious — 23 July, 2007 2:43 pm
Effing brilliant. Please do it! This is definitely a world-wide problem that needs some venting room created.
Comment by Kathryn — 23 July, 2007 2:53 pm
Lucy’s comment (which I agree with wholeheartedly) has set me thinking.
what about
http://www.everydayIloveyoulessandless.com
Comment by Duck — 23 July, 2007 6:40 pm
OH yes the world needs this idea.
I could write a thesis on annoying people on trains, but my pet hate: men sitting next to me who spreeeaaad ooouuut and take up half of my seat as well as theirs. I may be smaller than you but I still need space to you know, breathe. GRRRRRR.
I suggest:
everydayihateyoumoreandmore.com
;-)
Comment by Cara — 23 July, 2007 8:48 pm
Harumph. Will there be one for the antisocial eating-with-biros woman?
;o)
Comment by Clare — 25 July, 2007 7:15 pm
I think that was me on the train to Croydon. I hadn’t eaten since twelve! Apologies…
Comment by Mike — 29 July, 2007 9:01 pm