Things I never knew until a couple of days ago:
1. What seagulls sound like having sex.
With each other.
Not that there’s any alternative, I think. Or hope not, at any cost.
2. How the…Um… No, actually, it’s mainly the seagull thing.
I never knew what seagulls sounded like having sex.
I never knew, or, in fact, wondered.
I know now what seagulls having sex sound like.
I now know very well.
I know now because they’re at it like rabbits about 15 times a day on the rooftop opposite my back window.
In fact, it occurs that the phrase ‘at it like rabbits’ may be somewhat usurped.
They’re at it like fucking seagulls.
Literally.
About which, incidentally. I have only one thing to say:
Young People. If ever, EVER another young person offers you coffee and takes you home and plies you with wine, and, with the help of soft music and sweet nothings, one thing leads to another and, in a moment of weakness with lips wrapped around your earlobes you hear a soft suggestion that you maybe ‘do it seagull style’, DO NOT SAY YES.
Otherwise, you will find yourself gazing forlornly straight ahead while some randy bugger jumps up and down on your back, flapping their arms and shouting
‘UNK!
UNK!
UNK!
UNK!
UNK!
UNK!
UNK!
UNK!
UNK!
UNK!
UNK!
UNK!
UNK!
UNK!
UNK!
UNK!’
For about fifteen minutes or until they notice someone drop a donut on a nearby street, at which point you will be unceremoniously dumped.
Either way, you will only have a short time to straighten your front-bottom-feathers before the next round of unking begins.
And if you’re all VERY good, I’ll post a video.
Now there’s an offer I’ve never had!
In spite of all those many downsides, it does sound rather fun to me.
Comment by Ignorminious — 1 May, 2007 1:46 am
Yup, that’s an accurate enough description. Tis the season for seagull shagging I’m afraid. If you live on the seafront, buy earplugs in bulk or prepare for sleepless nights. Alternatively you could buy donuts in bulk to entice the seagulls away from carnal pleasures… but remember that donuts eventually mean poo, great big gobs of flying, flapping poo…
Comment by Ariel — 1 May, 2007 2:49 am
Crying right now…Whew, that was funny!
Comment by Angie — 1 May, 2007 3:29 am
That sounds even worse that the duck gang bangs on the canal here at the moment.
Comment by Lisa — 1 May, 2007 8:02 am
Well, lions apparently do it 40 times a day … (without the UNKing off course)
Comment by neutrino — 1 May, 2007 8:34 am
Haha, seagull porn! Yes! Or rather… er, no. But yes.
Comment by Clare — 1 May, 2007 8:34 am
I witnessed a male seagull ‘courting’ a female one last week for the first time: my bf and I cracked up, brought us straight back to the school playground. Koalas make a weird noise too.
Comment by hellojed — 1 May, 2007 9:10 am
15 minutes? Respect.
Start a seagull swingers club on the beach. Catch one female - cover it with lipstick and chain it up. They’ll all head down there instead.
Comment by michael dolenzio — 1 May, 2007 9:16 am
I think this is despicable, Anna. Videoing the act of love-making without the consent of the participants. How would you like it if you stumbled upon some video footage of yourself in the act while surfing the internet? (For the record, I’m not suggesting having sex while surfing the internet. It’s a reference to the stumbling.) No doubt back at Casa Seagull, they’ve got broadband (which is more than can be said about yourself) and they do some post-coital browsing. Thoughts?
Comment by Dan — 1 May, 2007 9:51 am
Whew! Thought for a minute ther that you’d got a grainy Super-8 video of my teenage self in action.
Comment by S Hamilton — 1 May, 2007 10:04 am
there is actually a clip of anna out there:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yttD4uuqzWQ&mode=related&search=
Comment by michael dolenzio — 1 May, 2007 10:23 am
Oh dear, I think I’m about to have a funny tern.
Comment by Chris — 1 May, 2007 10:26 am
It’s one of life’s greatest ironies, that cock birds don’t actually possess a cock. Sad somehow. You expect males to have cocks.
(I would put this post in to POTW for its avian humour, but I’m a judge this week, so mebbe should leave that to someone else. Hint.)
Comment by Peter — 1 May, 2007 11:20 am
Cock or no cock, fifteen minutes is still quite a “good seeing to”. Ya reckon she was a hottie?
Comment by Peter — 1 May, 2007 11:22 am
They don’t!? Peter! (Hello by the way) I’m now going to spend the WHOLE DAY trying to find out the actual biological function of jumping up and down on the poor bird’s back, then.
Comment by anna — 1 May, 2007 11:23 am
Oh and to my mind, no, not really. She had a terribly large beak.
Not that I’m one to talk, mind…
Comment by anna — 1 May, 2007 11:24 am
Talking of videos- I have a monkey porn one of two disgusting monkeys on our hotel balcony in Sri Lanka doing nasty things. Do you think we could set up a website? Is there a market?
Comment by Gillian Martin — 1 May, 2007 11:59 am
Birds have a uro/genito/ano organ. (Not its proper name, I’m sure.) All three functions in one swoop. So, no front bottom either for the ladies, sadly. The proper name is cloaca, which is Latin for “main drain”.
(All of the above and more I learned from a High School biology teacher, so it must be kind of right, in a seventies/eighties way.) UNK.
Comment by Peter — 1 May, 2007 12:03 pm
Oh, and for anyone who is confused by the Ex-Monkee above and his Zoo-porn, a brief explanation:
A while ago I had a very charming commenter who said all manner of things pinnacling in the fact that I was a ‘minger who looked like Pingu’. As this was almost exactly the same point that Mr Dolenz seems to have discovered my blog, he seems to have been convinced of the veracity of this claim ever since.
As, increasingly, am I. Quack.
I will stop monopolising my own comments now and let you have them back.
[THERE you go...]
Comment by anna — 1 May, 2007 12:03 pm
Gull With A One-Track Mind?
Comment by Rob — 1 May, 2007 1:13 pm
i once caught my 2 labradors having sex-
they are both lady dogs.
Comment by Eliza — 1 May, 2007 1:34 pm
Oh! I have loud seagulls outside my new flat too (and poo on my car, grr), I hadn’t thought that’s what they might be up to. Should I take this as good news - surely they can’t keep on doing it all year round, can they?
Comment by FB — 1 May, 2007 6:02 pm
hahahahhahahahaaaa!!! being dumped for food that rings some bells! i will not elaborate!
Rachel xxx
Comment by Rachel — 1 May, 2007 10:42 pm
Yes, it’s earplug time again.
I’ve moved onto the hardcore Muffles Wax already, and it’s only just May.
Comment by Bob — 2 May, 2007 12:14 am
Sparrows can be terribly noisy too, especially for their size. I was sitting on my patio quietly trying to read on Sunday morning, and 2 were going at it about 2 feet away in a big flowering bush. VERY loudly. But rather than UNK, it was more like SKREESKREESKREESKREE SKREEEEE!
Comment by Maria — 2 May, 2007 12:26 am
I’ve been warned about those ‘birds & bees’ doin’ it!
In fact I was watching a couple of mallards going at it the other day in the duck pond. Mallards, of course, are prone to commitment and spend most every minute of the day doing ‘couple’ type activity. The odd thing I noticed is that Ms. Mallard really did seem to enjoy a good mallard rodgering! In fact I was almost shocked to watch her enthusiastic wing flapping & ducking under the water afterwards… almost as if she was doing a mallard version of a James Brown imitation. “Hunh! I feeel Gooooood! Hit me!”
Must have been something Darwin overlooked…. and now I hear the seagulls are at it!
LOL! How ya’ gonna keep down on the farm after they’ve seen Paris?
Comment by jon — 2 May, 2007 3:21 am
I really wanted to comment..I did. Possibly bringing in a witty reference to providing Mrs Seagull with a keyring sized vibrator to occupy those moments when Mr S buggered off to retrieve bakery produced road kill. Anyway I thought about it but just couldn’t come up with anything… My brain having been mushed by staring at a darting monkey for much of the last 2 or 3 days. So I will spare you the comment.. I’m off to play bloons instead .. Damn you!!!!!!!
Comment by Simon — 2 May, 2007 9:41 am
I once saw some giant turtles getting it on in the zoo… it was quite traumatic. Seriously, that was some big grunting going on….
Comment by Kathie — 2 May, 2007 12:53 pm
A video? You’re going to start producing seagull porn? :p
Comment by Invader_Stu — 2 May, 2007 12:57 pm
I got all ruffled reading this .. did you know I used to be owned by a masturbating parrot?
Comment by Manola Blablablanik — 2 May, 2007 6:34 pm
Having read this, I’m *so* happy not to be living anywhere near the sea :-)
Comment by Tinsie — 2 May, 2007 8:34 pm
Don’t worry, Tinsie. With rising sea levels seagull-on-seagull action is coming soon to a rooftop near you.
No pun intended, btw.
Comment by Lionel — 2 May, 2007 10:58 pm
Very funny … lol, that last part about the donut had me giggling!
Smooch,
The Tart
; *
Comment by The Tart — 3 May, 2007 2:37 am
Look, I’ll swap Mancunian coughing pigeons for unking seagulls any time - haven’t been anywhere near the sea in years, sob …
Comment by Sophie — 3 May, 2007 10:11 am
Turkey porn!
http://videomeliora.blogspot.com/2007/02/its-end-of-world-as-we-know-it.html
Apologies for the self plug but I think we’ve found the zeitgeist!
Comment by Shades of Grey — 3 May, 2007 3:20 pm
oh dear… that’s the funniest thing I’ve ever read. Thank you.
Comment by (lia) — 15 May, 2007 5:24 am
My friends and I were high and I stumbled across this while Googling “seagull porn” (I was trying to prove that I would be able to find pictures of seagulls giving each other oral sex).
I suppose what I’m trying to say is thank you, it was very funny.
Comment by Garth — 26 April, 2010 10:54 pm
well i thin i eiver gonna die laghing or get naked and start going…
UNK!
UNK!
UNK!
UNK!
UNK!
UNK!
UNK!
UNK!
UNK!
UNK!
UNK!
UNK!
lol
:) ;) :)8>
Comment by berenice ann livermore — 30 April, 2011 1:41 pm
:)8>
Comment by berenice ann livermore — 30 April, 2011 1:42 pm