Challenge Anna: Challenge two - ‘Buy something from a sex shop’
I thought this one would be easy. I mean, last week I had to go and visit some Museum of Relationships, Sensuality and Larking About With Other People’s Genetalia for a piece I was writing anyway, so thought that while I was there, I could knock off one of the suggested ‘pre-30′ list items right there and then without even barely trying.
It was a posh sex shop, obviously, because it was in the respectable pretend-museum-place, thus it wasn’t as scary as the usual black-windowed-smuttery. More of a bootytique, really.
Still, I blushed hot red wandering around the pokey little pokeyparlor, pondering the efficacy of paper underwear, picking up things, then dropping them when I realised that the things shaped like hot potatoes were not only hot potatoes, but hot potatoes you were meant to stick up your bottom. Or something.
And then there was chocolate that cost three times as much as chocolate in other shops (which is probably miles nicer); I think because it had a bow on it, the word ‘Sensual’ in its name, and some kind of innuendo in the blurb on the back. And probably a leaflet inside with directions of how best to stick it up your bottom. I generally suspect I’m a little too English for sex shops, really.
Anyway, in a big tray over in the corner of the In-Out-In-Outlet, there were a number of subtle, classy little boxes, with fancy scrolled text and, little writing.
They were all manner of different things, beads and balls, and buttons and batons and blah blah blah. And then I found one box tucked away at the back.
‘Mini Vibrator on a Keyring’ it said.
Not only a mini vibrator, which is fine, obv, but ON A KEYRING.
Well who knew? There IS somewhere I haven’t thought of looking for my keys after all.
Quite apart from the whole social embarassment of having a gently humming tiddler tickler hanging off your housekeys, it just led me into a world of mental possibilities that I hadn’t before that moment even considered a possibilty.
“Oh no, I have lost my keys”
“Do you remember where you last had them?”
“OH! Um… Yes?”
Or the look of horror as your keys come dancing out of your handbag, thrown on the table in an important meeting, dragged by a little buzzing clitorjiggler, jangling their way across the table making sure to draw everyone’s attention before clattering to the floor.
I stood there with the box in my hand, mind tumbling over the comedy potential of owning such an object.
“£24.99″ said a voice at my shoulder.
The racytail assistant had clearly mistaken my amused confusion for serious interest and, having nothing so common as price stickers (I assume they chafe) was coming over to whisper the damage delicately in my shell-like.
Reader, I failed the challenge.
I have no keyring vibrator.
Come ON, it was £24.99, and I already have a small Lego Darth Vader that serves me awfully well, thank you very much.
At keeping my keys together.
It serves me well at Keeping My Keys Together.
Jesus, you people are filthy.
I find your lack of filth disturbing.
Comment by overnighteditor — 24 April, 2007 1:42 am
And there’s no need for a nightlight built in either!
Honestly, if you’d have bought it, you just wouldn’t be you… but you tried and that’s the main thing.
Now that you’re settling into your 30’s you’ll soon realize the folly of youth and the sensibility of a sensibly determined mid-life.
A keyring with a nightlight makes way more sense. Squeeze it for the light, to set the key to find the safety… it’s all about survival!
The 30’s are the best decade, I think. All that talk about people living to 100 is rubbish. Who wants to be a petrified old mummy for 25 years? Enjoy your upcoming decade of the perfect balance between youth, reason and accomplishment.
Comment by jon — 24 April, 2007 3:05 am
It sounds like a place where innuendo is itself an innuendo.
Comment by Murph — 24 April, 2007 6:38 am
“The Force is strong with this one.”
Comment by Salvadore Vincent — 24 April, 2007 9:13 am
bwahahaha…
Oh, sorry.
Still you have to admit. One day in the near future as you search high and low for your missing keys, they could be vibrating their way towards you…?
Comment by Brian — 24 April, 2007 9:15 am
I have a mini leatherman penknife-thingy on my keyring, which has a multitude of handy gadgets for cutting, plucking, filing and indeed screwing. Up until now it has been a multifunctional handbag essential, but the absence of a tool for orgasmic frenzy has rendered it slightly feeble and lacking. Hmpf.
Comment by H Factor — 24 April, 2007 9:44 am
The Luke keyring has the more interesting lightsabre that glows in the dark.
I find it comes in handy…
Comment by Duck — 24 April, 2007 9:58 am
I’ve only been in a sex shop once, and that was along time ago, when sex shops were young.
Unfortunately, although I can usually manage more than a modicum of decorum, once I start laughing, I find it difficult to stop (and breathe), and the friend I was with is a terrible giggler.
We managed to keep it all under control, until we came to the battery operated ladies bits, with instructions printed on the outside of the box. Of course, they had to be read out loud, and haturally, much hilarity ensued.
We were asked to leave.
Comment by chairwoman — 24 April, 2007 10:28 am
Ahhh yes. That good old British ’sense of reserve’ is still intact!! Long live anna!!
P.S. Mind the lightsabers…
Comment by Gordon — 24 April, 2007 10:47 am
Wise avoidance decision.. Apart from the fact that this assumption by the sex industry that every female in the UK is obsessed with a desire for rampant exhibitionism and developing the clitoral equivalent of white knuckle is a fallacy (phallusy?): And if it isn’t why can’t I meet any? The device in question sounds overpriced, tacky, would probably pack in after first use and, were it to survive deployment for its supposed purpose, no doubt would weigh down the handbag with spare AAA’s to avoid frustration just in case you became overwhelmed by the urge to play hide the door key on the 18 o’something from Victoria.
Half the fun in being British is our smug secret knowledge that considerable capacity for deviant fruitiness lays hidden behind the veneer of respectability overlaid on the nations suburban semi’s. Much more in keeping with the “that of which we do not speak” mentality is the mobile phone download that (apparently) allows discrete control of the vibrate facility on the trusty Nokia.. Although an unexpected polyphonic burst of “When the Saints” erupting from your nether regions on the approach to Burgess Hill would perhaps raise an eyebrow or two and put a bit of a damper on the enigmatic smile.
Comment by Simon — 24 April, 2007 11:30 am
King Edwards or Maris Pipers?
Comment by JonnyB — 24 April, 2007 12:15 pm
Would you believe that I have a one-handed stormtrooper on mine. And that is no way a euphamism for anything.
Comment by Timbo — 24 April, 2007 12:43 pm
Anna, how did you show your patriotism on St George’s Day?
I proved my British Sexual Reserve.
/Chuckles
(ok you might have not done this on St G Day but you blogged it on so I figure it counts)
Comment by Adrian — 24 April, 2007 1:31 pm
If you really don’t want to lose your keys you should handcuff them to a Rampant Rabbit.
That said, when my ex-gf got one, she used to spend hours and hours in her bedroom looking for her car keys. So it probably doesn’t work.
In fact, I have never known anyone lose so many things, so often, in their own bedroom, and yet still require absolutely no help in searching.
Comment by Mr Angry — 24 April, 2007 1:44 pm
That is hilarious! There really are more worlds on this one spinning blue planet than one would initially imagine.
Comment by another anna — 24 April, 2007 2:11 pm
I’ll never be able to look at lego in the same way
Comment by Invader_Stu — 24 April, 2007 3:10 pm
Oh, I really shouldn’t have read that in the office…
And actually, smiling on the approach to Burgess Hill is going to be considered deviant enough without anything else needing to be happening.
Comment by martian77 — 24 April, 2007 4:41 pm
I have one of those!
The Vader, not the vibe.
Comment by anna* *the american one — 24 April, 2007 5:05 pm
That’s spit out tea funny! What a lot of dosh for a keyring…unless it was lifesize? No wait, you said ‘mini’. Hehe…
My friend saw a 70 year-old lady pull out a vibrator on the tube, it was the shock of his life and not in a good way, I’m afraid!
Comment by Kathryn — 24 April, 2007 6:28 pm
Hehehe, that would be me in the store as well. Good thing I wasn’t drinking my coffee when I read that! Too funny.
Comment by Angie — 24 April, 2007 6:36 pm
I find sex shops weirdly matter-of-fact. I’ve been to the Super Sex Shop, where everything is overpriced, and the atmosphere is utterly un-sexy! (I went there by myself because my friend, who I invited for “immoral support” said she’d been “traumatized” and couldn’t go inside a sex shop. What, traumatized by a rampant rabbit??” Anyway, I bought anoverpriced toy, and the clerk was a guy about my son’s age. He said something like, “Is that gonna do it for ya?” I thought that was a rather personal question, but then I realized he was asking if I was done shopping…
Comment by Maria — 24 April, 2007 7:54 pm
OH, Darth will never seem the same again. Yes, different thoughts now. Thanks a lot. (no, I mean it, thanks a lot)
Comment by joeinvegas — 24 April, 2007 8:23 pm
so the challenge was to “buy something from a sex shop”, and so did you, or did you not? i think you failed to do so. please do so. quickly. your twenty-something days are numbered…
Comment by ansy — 25 April, 2007 12:06 am
Personally I’m jusy very excited that you did one of my suggestions. Even though you didn’t, actually, do it.
I’m really looking forward to the knitted toast rack… ;o)
Comment by Hannah's Pet Hamster — 25 April, 2007 12:43 pm
Hey, Hannah’s Pet Hamster is back!
Comment by Pierre L — 25 April, 2007 5:34 pm
Oh dear, I hope I’m not the only one to have this thought… but surely a vibrator on a keyring really WOULD be filthy, and not in a good way? I dunno about you, but when I find an occasional escaped mint in the bottom of my bag it is always covered in weird unidentifiable grime and fluff. And maybe I do sometimes eat them anyway, but I don’t put them anywhere MORE intimate…
Comment by Eloise — 25 April, 2007 5:50 pm
Apologies for item 25. This was a silly thing to say. You may delete it, along with this item, if you wish.
Comment by Pierre L — 25 April, 2007 6:28 pm
In response to number 26: EEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
Comment by Maria — 25 April, 2007 7:04 pm
So where can I get this keyring? (I am not English, that may explain my interest…)
Until a week ago I had a sperm thingy on my key-ring but someone stole it. I need a replacement.
Comment by Laura — 25 April, 2007 9:39 pm
Hilarious! I would have been ‘too English’ too!
Comment by sooz — 26 April, 2007 9:36 am
I’ve got a red rubber heart (almost anatomically correct)on my keyring - but no, it doesn’t vibrate!
Comment by Sophie — 26 April, 2007 12:06 pm
Eloise, this is a very good point. Have just gone rummaging for lipgloss in my handbag (the lid doesn’t fit properly, so it leaks a bit) and it came out with the following stuck to it:
sand (why? why is this?)
fluff
a tic-tac
a Sainsburys equipment for schools voucher
now I don’t mind any of these things near my mouth (such class), but I say NO to putting all or any of these in my knickers. Particularly the sand.
Perhaps it is supplied with a teeny pack of wet wipes, or a little zip-up jacket?
Comment by H Factor — 26 April, 2007 1:32 pm
Oops. The HPH thing is lurking on boyf’s PC, and catches me unawares there whenever I use it.
Comment by Clare — 26 April, 2007 3:11 pm
Hello Anna! I found you via Hugh from Gaping Void. I just read your About Me page and find you absolutely adorable! On to my bookmark, lass!
Comment by Manola Blablablanik — 26 April, 2007 6:52 pm
Wet wipes are a marvellous idea. For both “before” and “after” usage…
Comment by Maria — 26 April, 2007 7:23 pm
lol. i just stumbled upon your blog and had to laugh out loud reading this post. thanks!
Comment by ksklein — 26 April, 2007 11:24 pm
What kind of batteries does a keyring vibrator have?
Comment by Ariel — 26 April, 2007 11:44 pm
Hello new people, and welcome.
Comment by anna — 26 April, 2007 11:48 pm
A very, very funny post … I liked it very much
Comment by neutrino — 27 April, 2007 11:32 am
Ariel, maybe it doesn’t have batteries? Maybe you have to wind it up to get it going. Or perhaps it has a solar panel? But that would mean you couldn’t stick it where the sun don’t shine. Wind powered, possibly?
Comment by H Factor — 27 April, 2007 11:47 am
do they sell appropiately-sized little people to accompany these vibrators? i know h-factor for one, would happily while away hours at her non-work pleasuring a legion of small people. probably not real, live ones though. although in the west country……
Comment by michael dolenzio — 27 April, 2007 12:55 pm
[...] I couldn’t resist this insertion of humour. Courtesy of Hugh MacLeod I read this post from Anna Pickard of LittleRedBoat about a certain shopping challenge. Enjoy. [...]
Pingback by Business Two Zero » Blog Archive » Where are my keys? — 28 April, 2007 5:37 pm
[...] 6. Little Red Boat - Challenge Anna: Challenge two - ‘Buy something from a sex shop’ [...]
Pingback by Post of the Week » Blog Archive » Shortlisted posts: week ending 27 April, 2007 — 28 April, 2007 8:30 pm
Hmm, yes, I think the key (as it were) is to have one of these attached to your car keys (if you have a car that is). Then you can amuse yourself/lorry drivers on those boring long-distance drives. Not that I’ve ever done such a thing, no, never. But in theory, is what I mean.
Anyway, £24.99 is a bloody rip-off. For that price I’d want full body and mind pleasure and I’m not too sure something sized for a key-ring would be able to do that. (Unless it cooked me dinner first.)
Oh, and ‘Bootytique’: brilliant.
Comment by The Girl — 29 April, 2007 3:27 pm
Hi
I read your post as a guest judge on Post of the Week this week and I wanted to tell you how much it made me laugh. I went into a sex shop in Finland with two of my female students whilst on an exchange trip and we were “horrified” when examining a string of beads that you apparently put up your bum. Then we were further horrified to realise that on the first 6 beads was written in indelible ink, “T-E-S-T-E-R”. I practically flung them across the room in revulsion.
Your post reminded me of that.
Will keep reading and maybe you’ll pop by my blog sometime too.
Misssymartin
Comment by Gillian — 30 April, 2007 9:30 pm
Thank you, Gillian, great story - and I *will* pop by.
And Welcome…
Comment by anna — 30 April, 2007 10:16 pm
i have one of those!
(the vibe, not the vader)
Comment by me — 1 May, 2007 1:12 pm