If there’s one thing I’ve noticed, moving from a dead-end crack alley to a normal street, it’s that people around here drive like fuckwits.
I live in a conservation area, where, on the side of a hill, roads are stacked up, one way roads in possibly the world’s most confusing and frustrating system, not that I would know or care, not driving in the slightest. But I can tell it confuses and upsets people, because I’ve almost been run over by the confused, upset angry bastards several dozen times.
And now I get to hear them reversing all the way down my street (oh come on, who do you think you’re kidding?!), revving their engine crossly at the junction, or simply speeding along.
There is a lot of speeding. An awful lot.
I have decided it is entirely by people who wish us all to believe they have enormous genitalia.
It is people saying ‘Look! My penis is SO LARGE that it is resting on the accelerator pedal! I wish I WASN’T speeding, but sorry, I cannot help it. It is not me, it is this damn PENIS, and how ENORMOUS it is’.
Wankers.
If I ever mention I’m thinking of learning to drive, thump me.
With your enormous penises.
Not really with your enormous penises.
Just thump me.
Thing is, your learning to drive wouldn’t necessarily cause you to grow a male appendage now, would it? Eeeeeeeek. I haven’t learnt yet, and if there is even a remote likelihood of the above then it is never going to happen.
Comment by Ariel — 10 March, 2007 11:57 pm
There is one driver in our area who delights in showing off his horn several times each evening as he goes past. The horn in question plays the well-known tune, “Dixie”. However, as far as I can tell, he is not a speeder. In fact he actually drives quite slowly and seems more intent on sharing his dubious taste in musical hooters with the rest of us. What do you think his problem might be?
Comment by Chris — 11 March, 2007 12:53 am
Ah, Chris, he has the ‘I have an extremely THICK cock’ delusion.
You’re lucky he’s not flicking the indicator lights on as well and blaming it on the same physiological abbhorence.
Comment by anna — 11 March, 2007 12:59 am
Ahhh, they just want you to think they have a lot of mansalami in the pants region.
It’s really a compensation thing.
(I drive a mini)
Comment by drew — 11 March, 2007 4:49 am
If nothing else you should take joy in the thought of what wonderful visitors Google will thrust upon you with quotes like
Comment by ttancm — 11 March, 2007 7:10 am
I’m having a mixture of horror and humor picturing the massess of creepies that are going to hit your blog through the phrase, “Enormous Penises”.
Oy.
Comment by loralee — 11 March, 2007 7:27 am
Drat. My brilliance was trumped. Hmph! ;)
Comment by loralee — 11 March, 2007 7:27 am
Everybody round here that speeds, or can’t seem to go anywhere without their mobile glued to their ears and especially the f**kwits who can’t go out without having the stereo turned up to ‘audiable in the next town’ all - and I mean ALL - drive German cars.
Shoot the lot of them, I say.
.
.
.
(Especially as I can’t afford a decent motor).
Comment by Mr.X — 11 March, 2007 10:11 am
How can a twat have a penis?
Comment by Farty — 11 March, 2007 3:59 pm
And it’s even worse in Wyoming! That’s where the pickup trucks are the size of locomotive engines and they have a full armory of rifles in the ‘gun rack’ in the rear window.
Meebe you saw some of those fellers in Las Vegas… (I just looked at your slideshow from there).
Comment by jon — 11 March, 2007 6:37 pm
The Advert
Sarah has been married 6 times and divorced 6 times. There was something bad about every one of her ex-husbands, so Sarah put an advert in the Jewish Chronicle that said she needed a man who will not beat her, who will not run away from her, and who is good in bed.
Two weeks later, Sarah is quietly reading a book when she hears her doorbell ring. She opens the door and there is a guy with no arms or legs.
“Hello, how may I help you?” she says.
“Hi, I’m Bernard, and I’m here about your advert in the JC.”
“How do I know you meet my requirements?” Sarah says.
“Well, I can’t beat you because I have no arms, and I can’t run away from you because I have no legs.” he replies.
“But how do I know you’re good in bed?” she asks.
Bernard replies, “How do you think I rang the doorbell?
Comment by jan — 12 March, 2007 8:52 am
Yes, you should see the size of the Ford F350’s here in Oregon! You need a step ladder to get in them! And people who drive them act like they can just cut in front of you or they’d just roll right over you. Well, they could!
Comment by Maria — 14 March, 2007 12:56 am