…And of course the other news of the weekend (sorry. the weekend was a long time ago but this is, quite literally, the first chance I’ve had to do this since Monday) The OTHER big news of the weekend was the lottery.
I didn’t win it.
For, like, the fifty thousandth consecutive or historical occasion.
My powers of non-winningship must be, I think, the most dependable thing in the history of betting. I’m rubbish. If playing the lottery is a skill, then it’s one I haven’t got. If luck is inherited then sorry, I got the family nose instead. (I didn’t, as it happens. I don’t know whose nose I’ve got, but it’s not a family one. They’ve all got MUCH nicer noses than me, and if whomever DOES lay claim to it wants it back, they are most welcome)
All in all, if playing the lottery is a game of chance, I haven’t got one. Chance, that is.
Playing the lottery, I understand, is a mug’s game. The statistics have been read out to me, loudly, and in several different accents and still, still, it makes no difference. For why? Because A) it’s the only way I can think of that we’ll ever, ever, ever be able to afford to buy a house and B) I have NEVER won. Ever. Anything.
I’ve never won. Not a tenner, or a rubbishy little prize, or perhaps one hundred shiny English pounds or fifty slightly less shiny English pounds or five slightly gruby ones. I’ve never won a bean,nor a button. I’ve never won a winkle. I ain’t never won Nuffink, guvnor. NAAATHEEENG.
And so my thinking is this:
The longer I go on winning Absolutely Fuck All, the more chance there is of me one of these days suddenly landing an awfully large jackpot all at once. Wham Bam, one Saturday. Thank you very much, howsyourfather, bif baf boff, there’s a bunch of million squids for you, Anna Pickard.
Because surely it can’t be possible to be unlucky - surely just like people complain of the ‘Lucky’ running out, surely the ‘Unlucky’ is equally finite. No?
Yes, I know that’s what they want me to think.
Yes, I know I’ve just jinxed it by speaking it out loud.
Yes, I know I’m a mug.
I don’t care.
One of these days.
One of these days.
One of these days my unluck’s going to run out, and then you’ll all giggle on the other side of your nonlotterwinning gobboles.
Mwa ha ha ha ha ha hI’m… really over-tired, sorry.
I have some premium bonds - so does my wife
we have equal amounts
my daughters also have some between them that give them the same amount of chances as me, and as my wife
it’s random - the premiumm bond thingy ERNIE, it means electronic random somethings something something
so how come whenever a nice little envelope with a fifty quid prize turns up it’s never for me?
but anyway - now you know how unlucky I am…..
if i promise to share any winnings i have with you would you share your eventul jackpot with me?
Comment by freddy — 14 September, 2006 5:51 pm
Be warned.. winning a moderate number of shiny english groats is bad for you. About 8 years ago I had the fortune (or misfortune, if seen from perspective of subsequent unluck)of winning 104 quid (which was promptly snaffled by my then partner to buy groceries). Since then my capacity to even come close to entering the proximity of randomly selecting a number matching one of those spewed forth twice weekly from lancelot, guinevere, harry or tom (or whatever they call the pimped up bingo machines these days) is nada. I’ve tried formula selection, I’ve tried throwing money at multiple lines of selected and lucky dips, I’ve danced naked widershins around a hazel copse unde a solstice moon. I’ve done the lot and week after week I get not a single matching number. I’ve come to the conclusion therefore that to win the lottery just choose whatever numbers I don’t…
Comment by Simon — 14 September, 2006 6:17 pm
See, I let the online “coincidence generator” choose my lottery numbers and I do win. i get an e-mail evey month or so telling me YOU’VE WON! And it ALWAYS turns out that I HAVE WON - 2,50 EUR. Or so. I hate it. I hate those mails.
Comment by alcessa — 14 September, 2006 9:06 pm
I get these sudden impulses - like I KNOW I’m going to win this time! So I spend a pound. A whole quid! And I just KNOW this is ‘it’!
It isn’t. Karma is a bitch with a capital B sometimes!
Comment by sooz — 14 September, 2006 9:35 pm
I’ve never won the lottery either. I only play it once every few months on the off hope that it will save me from the drudgery of having a job, but I barely ever even get 1 matching number. And when I lose it’s always to fantastic numbers. The last time I played, I swear the lottery pick was 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6… I mean I don’t like losing, but that just sort of seemed like god was picking on me.
Even funnier is that the motto on our family crest translates to something like “I commit all things to fortune”…
Comment by ttancm — 14 September, 2006 10:28 pm
My girlfriend’s job is funded by the Heritage Lottery Fund so thanks for helping to pay her salary ;)
Comment by quin — 14 September, 2006 10:36 pm
alcessa - I get those too! God, I hope that doesn’t count as sucking my luck quotient? SURELY that doesn’t count.
ttancm - You have a motto on your family crest?! Can I just say: OoooooooOOOOOOoooooo…
And quin, I’m NOT paying your girlfriend’s salary, I’m simply Banking this money somewhere safe so that when it Does get returned to me in the form of a jackpot, then um. Um. Tell your girlfriend to give my damn money back, will you?
Comment by anna — 14 September, 2006 10:41 pm
I used to win on the ‘bottle stall’ at jumble sales many moons ago. It was something to do with matching your selected card with the one on top of the bottle. Unfortunately I was about 8 years old at the time and all those bottles (of lovely, lovely alcohol) went to my dad. Since I was legal - nothing!
Comment by emma — 14 September, 2006 11:12 pm
Sure-fire way to win the lottery:
1. Place your pound in an envelope marked “Winnings”.
2. Write down the six numbers you were going to have, if only you had bought a ticket.
3. Watch the lottery, and check your numbers.
4. Open your “Winnings” - Yay! I won a pound!
All the fun, and none of the crushing disappointment.
/Pedantry: Your odds of winning would be unchanged if you had won nothing evry week for 1000 years. But you knew that, didn’t you!
Comment by Pete — 14 September, 2006 11:14 pm
I once got about $4 in change from a faulty public phone and quit while I was ahead.
Comment by drew — 15 September, 2006 2:40 am
I do Pete, yes.
But SURELY in a fair world I would. Eventually. Surely.
Comment by anna — 15 September, 2006 6:35 am
Yes, in latin in everything.
I’m also distantly related to blackbeard if that’s worth any “ooo”s.
I actually have two family crests because in Japan I am registered as a member of my wife’s family as I can’t legally be the head of the household because I am smelly foreigner. But Japanese crests don’t have motto. Which is fine anyway because the only way to display it is to wear kimono (the male version) and those things are horrible torture devices.
Comment by ttancm — 15 September, 2006 6:38 am
I once went dog racing.
There were 6 races and 6 dogs in each race. I bet on 2 dogs in each race and usually backed the favourite plus one other and yes, I did understand ‘the form’ and yes I did pick carefully.
Did I win?
Did I heck as like! Not a single dog I backed in any race finished in the top three! What are the odds of that?!
Comment by Stef — 15 September, 2006 7:54 am
I’m a rubbish gambler, but it didn’t stop me seriously considering leaving 104 squid in the care of my best friend, so that she could buy me a lottery ticket every single week of the two years that I am abroad. Sad. I didn’t though. I thought if she forgot, and I won, then I would have to kill her, and I don’t really want to be put in that position.
Comment by Rachie — 15 September, 2006 8:07 am
Ahhh but you see one day, when I buy a lottery ticket I am going to win, I know this because…. Well actually I don’t, but it will happen, really it will, I’ve worked out what I’m going to spend it on and everything……
We’ve all been suckered haven’t we!
Comment by birchsprite — 15 September, 2006 10:37 am
Well, Anna, I wouldn’t feel too glum about it just yet. Think how many Saturdays there are yet to happen! Lots, that’s how many. Packed with possibility.
The cleaner at my work (Terry) won £250,000 last year. He had no debts. So he could keep every single shiny penny.
He brought some Champagne into the office, which I drank. Drinking lottery-money-bought Champagne profitted me. So I actually indirectly won the lottery.
If it can happen to me, it can happen to you.
(That said, I have never actually bought a lottery ticket.)
Comment by Léonie — 15 September, 2006 11:56 am
I like Pete’s plan. And if your beloved really really really loved you, then just occasionally he would add a pound of his own and you’d get a HUGE SURPRISE by winning two pounds.
And what’s the matter with your nose? It’s a nice nosy nose. Isn’t it?
Comment by Rob — 15 September, 2006 8:42 pm
Gruby pounds sound groovy. I want me some.
Comment by Clare — 15 September, 2006 8:55 pm
[...] Update: Coincidentally, a post on little.red.boat about the lottery. [I’d better cover my back here] I doubt she has a moustache. [...]
Pingback by doctorvee » Can you show me your facial hair please? — 15 September, 2006 9:05 pm
Weird! Having said it was ages since I won anything from ernie….
a cheque for fifty squids arrived yesterday
Thanks anna - I don’t know how you fixed it, but thanks!
Comment by freddy — 20 September, 2006 10:44 am
Ok, here’s the thing. Last week I got a bit over keen about winning the lottery. I was sure this was it, it was time - probably hyped into unrealistic fantasies of luck because it was both the Euromillions mega rollover (£54million) and the UK lottery rollover (£20million). I bought lots of lines for both, totalling 11 tickets. This morning, I found I had six wins of around £7 pounds each, totalling £50. I had managed to select all but one of the Euromillions numbers, but on different tickets, plus got 3 number on the lottery. It’s the ‘closest’ I’ve ever been to winning big but, let’s face it, still further away than from here to Hawaii. Is this good luck or bad?!
Still buying tickets this week but not so many - will spend the remainder on wine, fags and dancing boys instead!
PS - Maybe I am being greedy and my luck has been used up - last year I applied for the first time ever to a new, ‘pure luck’gameshow and won £25k. I used it as a deposit for a house - probably the only way I could have got one. It has made me think that anything is possible though and so why not the lottery..?
Comment by Chocolat — 16 October, 2006 2:28 pm