Right, sorry about that, strop over, apologies.
So this morning, you’ll be glad to hear, to punish myself for being so pointlessly mardy and publicly stroppy, I hate an apple.
I, anti-apple Anna Pickard, A1 apple-hater extraordinaire ate an apple. A whole, live apple. Raw. With my very own teeth.
Well, half an apple, but the thought was there.
Granted, I felt very, very bad for the other people on the train, and kept looking around to check that none of them were displaying classic symptoms of the ‘Yes ALRIGHT, we GET it, you’re eating an apple, well done. Now shutthefuckup!‘ inner monologue, but none of them were, so I might have been ok.
I might have lucked myself onto a train with a bunch of normal people.
I know my opinion of apples isn’t quite normal. Of course I do. I don’t know when I started hating apples quite this much though - ten years ago, maybe? More?
Mainly it’s the sound of them, the snap of the teeth through skin, followed by the crunch-crunch-crunch-crunch. Then the teeth through skin, followed by the crunch-crunch-crunch-crunch, then the… you get the idea.
So this morning, picking up a bottle of water at the station and thinking about the sheer immaturity and ingratitude of yesterday’s post, I, on the spur, picked up an apple. As penance.
We sat on the train, apple and I, me and the apple, staring at each other, contemptuously.
It’s not the flavour, you see, the flavour is fine, the flavour is peachy. Peachy in an appley kind of way.
But as I snicked the skin with my two front teeth and drew it back from the glistening flesh underneath, I suddenly remembered what the problem was eating them is. I remembered in a ‘Ah! I see! First bite of apple equals the unbearable urge to spit or sick everywhere! I SEE!’ kind of way.
It’s the skin. I rolled it around my mouth, trying the grind it into nothing between my back teeth but still, at the end, I was left with a shard of skin scratching down my throat ready to choke me at any second. It didn’t, of course - but that was because it knew I was looking.
Still, once through the vile veil, I nibbled unhappily with gritted teeth (it’s quite a feat, I tell you) through half of the whole damn thing. And then it beat me.
But there. Anyone who was cross with me for being quite so whiney about things yesterday, I can only hope this act of grumpentance helped a little bit. I can only really, really hope that, because just sitting here trying to describe it all again has made me want to spitsick.
Thank you for not shouting at the whinger as much as she deserved, yesterday.
And apologies for referring to myself in third person. You can shout at me for that if you like.
Ha! First again.
Why don’t you get yourself a small knife - like the Opinel knives that the French seem to like so much. You can use it to cut the apple - and cheese, and all manner of other things. I eat my apples this way, and it’s kind of fun. (Although that might just be because I am a man, and we like to do things with tools.)
Anyway, try the knife - you can peel the skin, or just chop the apple into little bite-sized pieces so there is less skin to deal with.
Or invest in a juicer.
Comment by Damian — 21 June, 2006 12:03 pm
I’d cut my finger off, Damo, you know damn well I would.
Especially on the train.
Comment by anna — 21 June, 2006 12:08 pm
Where do you go to buy ½ apples?
Comment by Miss Nomer — 21 June, 2006 12:52 pm
You’re lucky, I ate an apple an hour or so ago. Except I didn’t quite. It seemed to have developed a bruise at one side, so I avoided that. Then I noticed said bruise spreading round the core, so I avoided that bit too. Then I noticed a small round hole in the middle of the bruise, evidence of an alien lifeform perhaps. Giving up on it I chucked it into the bin next to my desk, never to be thought of again. Until I read your post.
Now I’m looking round to check it and . . . what is that beast sliming its way out of my bin. I’m trapped here in the corner by the window I am. And it’s a long way down if I opt for the defenestration escape strategy. Can someone call the emergency apple-alien lifeform exterminating services post haste please. I don’t like that glint in its eye or the look of those chompy mandibles or the way it’s clicking its many graspers open and shut, open and shut, open and shut. Help me, soon, before it’s too late. I don’t want to spend my last hours at my desk at work. Quickly, it’s moving towards me, it’s fast, it seems to be swelling visibly, and it’s about to . . . .
Sorry, don’t know what happened to me there. I really wasn’t going to write anything like that when I started. Shish kebab.
Comment by Miss Nomer — 21 June, 2006 1:04 pm
I used to like apples… till I read that. Now am not sure. Proof of how influential a blog can be.
Comment by Nikki — 21 June, 2006 2:03 pm
Yeah, thanks, Miss Nomer, I take one small step toward apple-eating, and now I will NEVER EAT ANYTHING EVER AGAIN.
Comment by anna — 21 June, 2006 2:06 pm
I physically can’t swallow the skin. I imagine this is something to do with the epiglotis.
In summary: I agree, apples ming.
Comment by Amy — 21 June, 2006 2:47 pm
Peel it.
I have problems with tangerines, all that white stuff makes me barf. Tangerines ming. (what a lovely sentence, thanks for that Amy!)
Comment by Gordon — 21 June, 2006 3:46 pm
Except I now have Flash Gordon in my head.
I hate that film. For obvious “yes I’ve heard the fuckin’ song already!!!” reasons. Same as “Gordon is a moron” and that bloody gopher.
Comment by Gordon — 21 June, 2006 3:47 pm
[...] Solstice. Apples. Metro. Empathy. Remix. Honey. PandoraFM. Rules. Castle. [...]
Pingback by gordon mclean. informationally overloaded. — 21 June, 2006 4:30 pm
I sympathise. I’m sort of allergic to apples. Not serious-life threatening allergic, just sort of sneezy, throat tickly, feeling slightly sick intolerant. Which is strange since I used to love apples and ate loads of them.
Comment by Pigwotflies — 21 June, 2006 4:52 pm
I love the word ‘grumpetance’. Yet another of your fantastic portmanteau words.
Comment by Andria — 21 June, 2006 5:28 pm
“now I will NEVER EAT ANYTHING EVER AGAIN”
Come on - not even Anna’s Ginger Thins and noodles?
And don’t forget eggs. Eggs are delicious.
Reasons for eating apples (even if you’re not too keen on them):
1 - They’re good for you
2 - They help to wake you up when you’re feeling sleepy
3 - They’re grown nearby so they help you to keep your carbon footprint small.
Comment by Miss Nomer — 21 June, 2006 5:30 pm
Yep, Gordon the Gopher was no where near as cool as Ed the Duck. A duck! Wearing sunglasses! Hanging out with a gay black dude!
The fur on peaches makes me feel all creepy.
Comment by Amy — 21 June, 2006 5:39 pm
The fur on peaches makes me feel like I’m sucking a mouse.
The very thought makes my tongue go yakky.
Comment by anna — 21 June, 2006 5:42 pm
Mothers are good at cutting up apples into more edible pieces. It doesn’t even have to be your own mother; any mother should be able to do it. If you feel weird about asking, then you can give the apple to a small child and have him ask his mother to cut it. Just make sure the small child has clean hands. Or put the apple in a bag or something.
Comment by lux — 21 June, 2006 6:19 pm
Hahaha, you v. funny indeed.
As for this:
“Where do you go to buy ½ apples?”
My mum once sent my sister to the shop for half a cabbage. She came back saying “Mu-uuu-uuum, the man wouldn’t sell me half a carrot…”
Oh God, I have a horrible feeling I’ve told this story in one of your comment boxes before. If that were true, it would be unspeakably sad.
Comment by Clare — 21 June, 2006 10:51 pm
The real problem with eating apples is that my girlfriend thought there was a horse in the front yard till she figured out it was just me enjoying an apple [SCRUNCH CHOMP CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPSWALLOW SCRUNCH CHOMP CHOMP SLOBBER GOBBLE...]
This inability of yours to deal with a simple thing like chewing is what we in the trade like to call a “hangup” and it probably means you were molested as a child by aliens or similar.
When I read your post the other day I actually thought you were talking about a type of computer. Oh well…
Comment by Peter Peter Apple Eater — 22 June, 2006 6:08 am
Aliens. Yes, that’ll be it. Thanks.
Comment by anna — 22 June, 2006 11:34 am
Hand your significant other an apple, and tell him to (take it outside and) eat it, then immediately kiss you. You’ll tolerate apples ever after. Guaranteed.
Comment by Silk — 22 June, 2006 8:02 pm