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Last night a dentist saved my life…

Well I say last night. It was more this afternoon, really.

“Will you please take that look off your face? I’m clearly not going to kill you, because it’s not ethical. Also, there is a witness.”

I was reminded when I posted earlier of something I wrote a couple years ago. I love toothache. This was a lie, obviously. It is twaddle. Although quite good twaddle. But of course, at that point, I didn’t HAVE toothache, so I was able to say funny things about it.
Or things about it at all.
Or just Things, actually.

“Oh I see what’s happened there – this one’s become infected. Can you smell that? That’s the infection, can you smell it? No? Well, probably best. More suction please, Mandy.”

Someone told me once that one of the incredible things about the human body is it has no physical memory – no memory for pain. It’s the reason that women are able to have more than one child, they said. It’s also the reason why I don’t repeatedly smack myself in the mouth with a tin of beans to avoid ever having to have toothache again. Or teeth.

“Seriously, stop shaking! I’m not going to make any sudden moves. Trust me – I’ve been a dentist for a very long time, and experience has taught me that making sudden moves is unwise.”

So here we are – just to remind myself, next time I feel like saying that toothache is somehow fun, or bearable in any way, shape or form, it isn’t. It’s like having a whole jaw made of ow, with someone repeatedly punching it with a fist made of fucking hell.

There. That’ll teach me. Now, back to skipping around my flat singing the happy ache-free song.

[And CartoonChurchDave has just sent me a link to his extremely expressive cartoon on the subject, which is very good but has made me feel a bit woozy.]

  1. See, there is a God… he just arrived in the shape of a dentist.

    Comment by St Jude — 12 April, 2006 5:27 pm

  2. God is Welsh, then?

    Comment by anna — 12 April, 2006 5:30 pm

  3. Hosanna!

    Comment by Bruce — 12 April, 2006 6:30 pm

  4. I would commit murder for a can of beans right now.

    Sorry, that was off topic, I mean poor you, hope you are feeling better now.

    Comment by petite — 12 April, 2006 8:10 pm

  5. Of course God is Welsh. I’m just surprised you phrased it as a question …

    Comment by Em³ — 12 April, 2006 8:44 pm

  6. Except that I have toothache, caused by the fact that I need a wisdom tooth removed, and because I am going to be interviewed on camera in ten days time and because having a wisdom tooth removed causes your face to swell up and look like the elephant man, I am surviving on dangerously large amounts of ibuprofen right now. So, thank you for gloating!

    Comment by Alan — 12 April, 2006 9:39 pm

  7. Hey Anna,

    thanks, I just woke the house up laughing at the bit about your ‘jaw of ow’ and ‘fist of fucking hell’. Why aren’t there any funny ladies up here?

    I was just about to sneak out for a fag, my cover’s blown now… I’m at Ma’s for a bit y’see (deposit saving upping)

    That’s quite enough compliments for you I think…

    Glen
    x

    Comment by Glen — 12 April, 2006 10:54 pm

  8. It’s good to hear you are feeling better.

    Has the skipping also been brought on by any of the painkillers he might have given you?

    Comment by Invader Stu — 13 April, 2006 8:37 am

  9. I too am dreadfully afraid of dentists. You’d think that would mean I take excellent care of my teeth. Oh if only that were true. Even for a check up I lie there in the chair with the adrenaline coursing through my body. I’m always afraid that one day I am going to involuntarily rip one of the arms of the chair and start flailing about with it.

    So yay for you and not been in toothpain!

    Comment by The Fool — 13 April, 2006 8:59 am

  10. Hurrah for modern science (oh yea disbelievers, invoking god indeed)

    Comment by BoyOnTop — 13 April, 2006 10:07 am

  11. The Fool, I think the dental community is way ahead of you. Have you noticed that those chairs are made from some seriously heavy duty cast metal. That’s because they’ve met your kind before.

    Glad you’re feeling better Anna.

    Comment by Damian — 13 April, 2006 11:21 am

  12. I am very glad that you’re better. You’re right about the physical pain – kinda stupid because it means we keep making the same painful mistakes, i.e. putting your finger in a flame. Congrats to your magical tooth-fairy. (aka the dentist.)

    Comment by Anna F — 13 April, 2006 2:10 pm

  13. I’m reminded of my first assignment in Sinai when I woke up at 3am (instead of 4:30) from the most horrible toothache (and they’re always “the most…”). The thought of going home before even taking one shot made me feel even worse. But I was reminded of the 7 minute pain limit, a concept I had only a vague notion of: you lie on your belly and hold your legs to your chest and think of the pain and only of it. It’s a bit odd but at the time, after running up and down the beach, jumping around and doing stuff that didn’t seem to mind my teeth – well I tried. It worked. The rest of the trip was an (Egyptian style) advil trip. But a dentist is a good option too.

    Comment by dan — 13 April, 2006 6:43 pm

  14. Thankfully *touches desk… realises it’s metal.. then realises there is no wood in this entire room… how odd.. gives up* I’ve not had to go to the dentist for anything other than check-ups and hygienist appointments. Regardless I still find myself “clenching”… just in case…

    Comment by Gordon — 13 April, 2006 8:35 pm

  15. Yeah, you know,it’s really funny, Gordon, but for people – lucky lucky people – like you, I have found a way of inducing tooth pain.

    I’ve just spent all day telling people how it magically felt so much better once my lovely dentist Ripped the Nerve out of the bloody thing.

    Comment by anna — 13 April, 2006 8:42 pm

  16. Oh, sympathies, pet!
    I too have a fear of the dentist, but the relief when all the ‘ow’ goes, is worth it.
    At least your dentist didn’t hum one of the songs from ‘Little Shop of Horrors’ during your treatment.
    And if it’s any consolation, at least you haven’t got the awful, gut wrenching, temperature raising, wooziness inducing lurgi wot I’ve managed to get…

    Comment by Misty — 13 April, 2006 9:43 pm

  17. But don’t you love the feeling of flossing too hard?? One of lifes secret pleasures

    Comment by peppermintpooy — 14 April, 2006 4:59 am

  18. If my dentist hummed that tune, I’d be out of that chair so quickly you wouldn’t see me for falling toothpicks and a trail of destruction. *shudder*

    Comment by Anna F — 16 April, 2006 12:47 pm

  19. I have a great dentist as I have a lot of trouble. My last dentist was cool as he showed me how to alleviate the pain of an abscess really easily – when he showed me I thought he was mad… Until I got an abscess and there’s not much pain like one of those bloody things. I had taken all the drugs I could take and they weren’t working so finally I tried it and 10 minutes later I was pain free…
    My present dentist is just brilliant – although the fact she is stunning is a bit weird as I’m kinda not used to looking at someone who hacking my teeth about and thinking ‘damn!’ lol.

    Comment by Simon — 17 April, 2006 11:30 pm

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