What’s sauce for the goose is probably something I wouldn’t include on my list
We were sitting having beer in a pub garden.
“Fwar.” Said one of our table. “That bloke’s a bit of alright. I would eat off him”
“What?” I said.
“I said that bloke over there is mightily attractive. And I would eat off him.”
“What would you eat?”
“I don’t know. Food.”
“Yes, but wet food? Or dry food?”
“What? I don’t know. You know, like chocolate sauce or something.” said my friend.
“Oh. Which bit would you eat that off?”
“Any bit really. I’m not sure. The stomach?”
“But what if he was hairy?” I wondered, out loud. That didn’t seem to be a very pleasant idea.
“Eh?”
“Some people have a hairy stomach. If he was hairy, and you were eating something that was sort of claggy and sticky, then it might pull some of the hairs out. That wouldn’t be very nice, would it?”
“Oh, well, something else then. I’d eat something else off him. Anyway. As I was saying, we’ve been looking into the feasibility of …”
And he turned away to talk to someone more sensible.
I however, was not satisfied with this answer. The conversation, as far as everyone else was concerned, had finished.
In my head, it had not.
[And so, reader, we move from the pub garden table to the inside of my mind. Which, if you imagine it, is a lot like a pub garden table, but with a few more kittens and unicorns and flowery tablecloths and maps and lobes and sinews and bloody matter and things, because it is a brain. The inside of my brain had THIS conversation:]
Chocolate sauce, the more I thought about it, seemed like a bizarre thing to eat off another human being. On top of that, it seemed like it might be an unsatisfying way of ingesting chocolate syrup. Like licking caramel off a badger, it ran the risk of being an experience that would you feeling vaguely unsatisfied and still quite hungry, and the poor badger feel quite sticky and caramelish. No, that didn’t seem ideal at all.
If you were determined to have pudding off a person, then, it would seem sensible to have something that was slightly more slippery than sticky – so I would probably veer more toward rice pudding, say, than chocolate syrup. Not heated up, no, because it’s nicer cold. And not with jam, because that wouldn’t help the sticky problem. That would make it worse.
Chocolate mousse would probably be alright, but not ganache, and certainly not chocolate custard. Or any kind of custard, really. Maybe custard tart? Yes, well, anything with a crust would probably be alright, because it’s then basically just sitting on the TOP of the person and their hair, rather than mingling in amongst it. So any sort of pie, tart or flan would probably be fine.
Or biscuits. But then, with biscuits you get into the more woolly area of needing to place the food ON the person, then lift it off, and then eat it. If that’s the procedure then you have to admit that’s more ‘eating near somebody’ rather than eating off them, and while I don’t have a rich fantasy life, I’m pretty sure that’s not the point.
Also I’m not sure if it’s a dessert-only practice. Certainly the only things my friend mentioned had been sweet things, but then, I’m not actually that keen on sugary stuff – much more of a salt person, so I’m pretty sure that if I was to eat something off someone, it would be a savoury thing.
I like bacon, but I’m not naive enough to imagine that bacon would be a good thing to eat of anyone. Unless they were someone you didn’t like and were hoping to inflict unpleasant tiny oil burns all over – but again, I’m pretty sure that isn’t the point.
Sadly.
Lettuce is also a nice thing, as is most salad. But that very quickly, as an idea, resembled grazing, and I’m just not sure that that’s the feeling this activity seeks to promote. “Fwar, yes, that attractive gentleman from the pub garden the other night came around, and I didn’t half Graze off him for half an hour. I was really full by the time he left.” my friend would say and no, no, I’m pretty sure that wasn’t what he wanted at all. Salad in general, in fact, probably wouldn’t be the way forward, as cherry tomatoes and cucumber would keep rolling off, and cress would be too easily confused with pubic hair.
General antipasti is certainly my favouite kind of thing to eat, but the idea of giving a human body a thin coating of sliced meats and then nibbling it off seems basically cannibalistic, and you’d have to pick your cheeses very carefully to make sure they wouldn’t sweat too badly if left out on someone’s tummy for too long, and the brie wasn’t going to melt into anywhere it couldn’t be easily removed from.
The idea of using the belly button for vessel for dips occurred to me at this point, but was quite quickly rejected due to the fact it made me want to be sick a bit.
Pizza presented the ‘lift and eat near rather than off’ conundrum, and steak – or, in fact, anything that would need a sharp and serrated edged knife to eat – was dismissed on health and safety grounds. No, it seemed to me that there were very few food groups that would work well with the concept.
“What do you think, Anna?” asked my friend, about something eminently sensible like social media applications, or weekend plans or where we might all go camping next or something.
“I think sushi might work alright not I’m not fixed on where one might keep the soy sauce yet and I’m not sure if wasabi paste would run skin allergy risks. Also several types of pasta would work, but almost certainly not lasagna. And pizza is a very bad idea but I really quite fancy one, so I’m not sure where that leaves me. Are there napkins?”
“Um”
“Sorry, yes. I don’t think we have anything planned for the weekend, no.”
On reflection, and taking all the insanitary/icky/messy/unpalatable/unsatisfying things into contention, I think probably, if you need a list, I would say:
Foods that I consider probably the most sensible to eat off someone
1) Broccoli
b) Sliced cucumber - possibly in sandwiches, if that’s not a little too ‘high tea’.
then) Pasta - almost certainly penne with basil, asparagus, lemon (no butter)
iv) Or Fettuccine with arrabiata sauce. Easier on the garlic than I would like.
5) Thin ginger biscuits.
c) Rice pudding. With no accompaniments, and possibly cold. Straight from the can, if that’s how you roll. That’s how I roll. Although usually I’d roll with it from a bowl. I Bowlroll.
8) Cereal: Maybe chocolate flavoured or sugar crusted, but with NO MILK.
7) Mashed potato.
But frankly I’m struggling to see why any of those would be something you would want to do. I mean, if people eat dry cereal near me I usually want to punch them in the face. Why would I want to enter that situation willingly?
Weird.
My friends are weird.
I still like them though.
if there was ever anything that could be described as the opposite of sex-blogging, this was it. bravo!
(I’m sniggering at eight in the morning. no mean feat to get me to do that).
Comment by lucy — 10 September, 2009 12:03 am
I do not know if anyone has mentioned this anna but you are very funny actually.
Comment by Katy Newton — 10 September, 2009 12:07 am
right, well that’s put paid to any food/sex fantasies i might have had.. but seriously, broccoli???
Comment by mondraussie — 10 September, 2009 12:31 am
I really like broccoli.
I like peas more, but they’d roll off. Thus their exclusion.
Comment by anna — 10 September, 2009 12:33 am
Strawberries. But not strawberry jam.
I had a marketing idea once to sell the 2 dozen jars of failed-to-set jam I had made with small brushes attached as Strawberry Sex Jam but the greengrocer didn’t go for the idea and further product testing concluded that the laundry wasn’t really worth the experience.
Comment by Lisa — 10 September, 2009 12:36 am
Someone on Come Dine With Me once made their guests eat sushi off a mostly-naked man. The guests were - understandably - horrified, for a range of hair and temperature reasons, so I’m glad that one didn’t make your final list. Though because We Are British, they did eat it anyway. Don’t let anybody coerce you into eating inappropriate foods. Stiff upper lip and all that.
Comment by Vici — 10 September, 2009 12:49 am
And RE: peas - what about mushy peas?
Comment by Vici — 10 September, 2009 12:51 am
Pommes puree - mash at its smoothest with lashings of butter. Perfect! Do you really have green pubes?
Comment by NickyB — 10 September, 2009 1:09 am
Also, does it count as one of your five a day?
Comment by Boz — 10 September, 2009 1:24 am
Fruit yoghurt. But not *cough* off the stomach *cough*.
*whistles innocently*
Comment by mike — 10 September, 2009 2:09 am
Still selling those odd substances in San Francisco, then?
Comment by AndyB — 10 September, 2009 3:25 am
I find, in the main, the idea of eating off someone, whether for sexual grafication means or because of a lack of plates, is rather stomach churning. I’ve never liked the idea. You may be onto something with the thin ginger biscuits, should I ever be required to try this- they would settle my stomach and have the advantage of being relatively unmessy/unsticky/unslimy/ungreasy etc.
Comment by Localfreak — 10 September, 2009 3:54 am
I’m glad you’re doing your bit to stamp out this whole “people as plates” nonsense. And for the record; the bellybutton is not a sippy cup.
Comment by asta — 10 September, 2009 6:13 am
Could you perhaps insist on a thorough stomach waxing first? That would at least eliminate the whole hairy problem. Or maybe a sort of tummy-cloth - tasteful, not too flowery or anything - which would provide a shield of sorts. I mean you could go all the way and have a plate but what if it’s cold? That would be uncomfortable. Or what if the fwar-bloke laughed and then the plate would tip and maybe fall off and then there’s your sheets all covered with pesto and I don’t know how well that would wash. Of course using a plate you could then do the steak-with-knives thing which could not only be filling but lead to some excellent dinner conversations re: rare meat (and a possible segue although an odd one I suppose) AND should the fwar-bloke end up being not very nice you could sort of gesture threateningly with the knife thus keeping him quiet and nicely cowed until the steak was done.
Can I make the meat-and-two-veg joke yet?
Comment by Megan — 10 September, 2009 6:37 am
Hi , It’s me aagain, who wrote you the letter lovvvvving your writing and you wrote a lovely thank you back! So thanks back, but let’s stop now. :)
I think the only thing to eat off another person is whipped cream, and even that leaves a bit of greasiness, and only in the context of a smooth non-hairless area below the waist, need I say more? Please don’t make me say more, this is a family station, right?
Comment by Anne Fontaine — 10 September, 2009 8:03 am
Sushi? Like in Sex and the City. Looked good on Samantha.
I never saw any appeal in the whole food mixed with sex thing. I enjoy each process a lot, but separately. :)
“Nine and 1/2 weeks” did make it look fun, I have to admit. :)
But no, not my cup of tea….hmm…what about a cup of tea? You could place it on the hairy stomach and drink off it. that way everyone is happy. :) He gets his food and sex fantasy taken care of, and you don’t have to have any hairs in your food.
Comment by scary azeri — 10 September, 2009 10:50 am
I agree with scary azeri. Keep it separate. I hate waking up with chocolate sauce in my hair.
Comment by Maria in Oregon — 10 September, 2009 11:36 am
Tell your friend that the best things to eat off a naked, attractive man are ring doughnuts.
And I leave the rest to your fertile imagination.
Comment by Exit, Pursued by a Bear — 10 September, 2009 12:27 pm
This post has made me very hungry indeed.
Comment by Rod Begbie — 10 September, 2009 1:06 pm
i think chocolate biscuits might be ok (chocolate side up natch) from a very clean and probably waxed, but not oiled, six-pack (oil would impair the flavour).
Comment by caitlinb — 10 September, 2009 6:43 pm
Ice cream ice cream ice cream! what is wrong with you people?!
Comment by Psammead — 11 September, 2009 3:03 am
“That blokes a bit of alright - I would eat off him”….. sorry - but what kind if expression is that to begin with? Am I out of touch - is this what we’re supposed to say these days? It used to be “he/she’s a bit of alright - I could give him/her one” - is that a bit un-PC nowadays? Maybe your friend made a mistake with the “off”.
Comment by Inselaffe — 11 September, 2009 4:20 am
Wow. The thought of eating mashed potato off someone seems strangely arousing. As a rule I’d go for savoury over sweet everytime, Lemon and coriander hummous over chocolate sauce? YES!
Comment by Amy — 11 September, 2009 4:35 am
Laughing Cow cheese spread triangles?
Comment by Anna — 11 September, 2009 10:08 am
Oh God yes, you need to see that particular episode of ‘come dine with me’.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HSmr0S8e558
Bloody hell, it would be the Bristol episode, too, wouldn’t it!
Comment by other anna — 11 September, 2009 4:44 pm
Your friends are weird?
Comment by joeinvegas — 11 September, 2009 8:50 pm
I’ve had a think and I think I’ve got the answer: plain cake (i.e. not one with icing and/or frosting or what-have-you); a nice Bundt cake for e.g. (this is a truly great recipe http://tinyurl.com/3osgdt), which you can slice quite thinly and scatter about the place and which stays moist (aaargh! I said moist!!) and therefore delicious, without jizzing its sticky icing/frosting mess everywhere. The worst that can happen are a few crumbs, but even the densest of chest wigs will give up a couple of cake crumbs without much argument.
Comment by Non-workingmonkey — 12 September, 2009 7:37 am
the upside I can see is the lack of dish washing up to do afterwards. Just send the person off to the shower and you have more free time to yourself rather then having to spend the time over the sink.
Dinner parties raise issues though that I just don’t want to go into.
Comment by Citizen Stu — 12 September, 2009 9:55 am
You make me smile.
Comment by lksn — 12 September, 2009 3:04 pm
What about ice-cream surrounded by little cake walls, so that when the ice-cream melts it kind of gets absorbed. Would possibly necessitate the use of utensils.. but.. it could be quite kinky.. ‘ooh he loves it when I gently jab him with a fork’
Thanks for covering this topic.. the sex chocolate paint my boyfriend bought stayed in the fridge for 9 months cos I thought it the grossest thing out.. I think he ended up eating it on sandwiches.
Comment by sulkygirl — 12 September, 2009 3:18 pm
See now I’m thinking a little island of gravy wedged in with buttery mashed potato. You could then add peas if you wish.
I’d probably get so into the food that I’d forget the person beneath it though…
Not ideal if it’s hot gravy I suppose. Or lumpy.
No to the bitey chewy things - that’s just not the idea at all. It’d be a bit horsey, wouldn’t it? Oh dear.
Comment by sooz — 13 September, 2009 5:18 am
Being eaten off would be even worse. My husband would be allowed to lick sauce off my finger, in a checking for flavour way, but that’s it. Greasy, sticky, too hot, unpleasantly cold, stains on sheets - ew, and the anxious worrying if he’d left a bit that I’d find dried on the next morning. And, since you can’t even bear someone eating an apple in your hearing, you’ll appreciate that the sound effects would be just unbearable.
As for eating off him, I like how he tastes and I don’t want anything to spoil that.
Comment by Z — 13 September, 2009 5:54 am
All I can recommend is never try with honey. And I never understood those people that do tequila shots from people’s belly buttons. Think of the fluff!
I guess if you didn’t want to eat *off* of a body, you could just eat a body instead (link nsfw)
http://tinyurl.com/yv8cqq
Comment by Alison — 15 September, 2009 1:28 am
Oh, I am SO going to work this phrase into conversations from now on:
It’s “like licking caramel off a badger”…
;-)
Comment by PhantomMidge — 15 September, 2009 7:44 pm
But . . . I thought that you didn’t believe in badgers?
Comment by Miss Nomer — 1 October, 2009 4:32 am
Damn! Someone else got there with the effusive praise for “Like licking caramel off a badger”.
Awesome.
Can’t see a problem with using the navel for soy sauce with sushi meself. Hummus or taramasalata would seem best though, or perhaps couscous.
Considering where you now live, I would recommend not trying any of these with a heavily pregnant woman. Stuff would tend to flow off and the whole eating on/eating near distiction would get blurred. Also an inside-out navel, while charming and perfectly good to nibble in its own right, holds bugger all in the way of soy sauce.
Comment by Rob — 8 October, 2009 9:50 am